Dear Diary, Love Paige
by DrusillaSnaps
Summary: King Arthur and Gwen do not have children, but they do have a young ward. Paige. Her parents were killed so she was brought to Camelot to live with her new guardians. Read her diary as she settles in, falls in love and discovers the Kings biggest secret!
1. Day 1 Dying

_**So I miss the challenge of updating a story every day, and have been thinking long and hard about something that I will have to update every day, and came up with this!**_

_**King Arthur and Gwen may not have any children of their own, but they do have a 13 year old ward by the name of Paige. She writes of her time in Camelot in a dairy. **_

_**Follow her story of love, loss, teenaged stupidity and some interesting revelations. **_

_**Also yes, I put dairy instead of diary, but I did corrtect that when I first posted - but then I went to bed, got up in the AM and it was still like that. Hmmm... maybe I didn't press 'save changes' or something! (haha it wasn't like I was going to sit up all night checking to see if it got corrected!)**_

_**--**_

Dear Diary

As I write to you today, my father and mother lay dying. Our humble home was attacked by raiders late in the night, and they were brutally beaten when they refused to hand over anything of value. Lucky for me, I was hidden away in a small closet, which I locked from the inside. Fortunately the raiders believed my parents when they told them that the closet had not opened in years, and so I was left undetected. If they had forced the closet open, I would have been discovered and would have suffered the same fate as my parents.

Timothy and Claire, who reside next door, immediately took my parents and I to Camelot by horse and cart the second the raiders had fled into the night. _Camelot has a trained physician_, they said.

But I know the real reason for our journey to Camelot.

My father was once a Knight of Camelot, back when Uther ruled and magic was banned. He served Uther and his son Arthur well, until the day the great dragon escaped and destroyed much of Camelot. My father, Prince Arthur and the rest of the knights rode out to face the dragon and with the expectation of Arthur, his manservant and my father, everyone was killed.

Father was never the same after that. He never fully recovered, and still now, has trouble with his arms and back. Arthur was forced to relieve him of his duties, but promised him he would never live in poverty. (That's probably a good thing really, as my father has not been able to get work since,) He went on of course, to meet my mother and have me.

He remained close to the young prince, despite everything that happened, and was by his side when he was crowned King. As a result, Arthur Pendragon is my godfather.

So you see dear diary, we were brought here to Camelot, not to see a trained physician, but so I could be handed over to my new guardian. I am really not looking forward to it, as I know it will be a tearful experience. My father will want to hand me over before he dies, and that will mean I have to face the reality of his impending death – something I am yet to do.

Until then I will just have to sit here and act like I don't know what's going on! Gaius, the physician, says my parents will be back on their feet in no time! I smile and nod, and act like I believe him but I know they are dying. Why else would we be here? Many a time have my parents fallen victim to foul play or injury, but never have we been brought here before.

So dear diary, I shall just have to sit here and wait. Wait knowing my parents are dying, wait knowing that my father wants to hand me over to my godfather. Wait, knowing that soon, I will be the Kings ward, and my life will change forever.

I am so very terrified... I just want things to stay as they are! I love my parents very much, and do not know what I am to do without them! I do not want them to die, and I do not want to live with Arthur Pendragon and his new wife Guinevere!

Maybe if I close my eyes and go to sleep, I will awake and find this is all a dream...

Paige xx


	2. Day 2 Lost in many ways

Dear Diary

It wasn't a dream.

I'm just... in shock. I can't take it all in, I really, really can't. My parents are dead, _dead._ I mean I knew they were going to die of course, but it didn't stop their deaths hitting me so full on. I'm just so... lost. I don't know what to say or what to do! It's so incredibly over-whelming and I'm so scared...

I was right of course, about father wanting to hand me over to my new guardians' before he died. It was nearing night, and the sun was setting and Arthur came in. (I have no idea where Guinevere was. It really didn't make me feel any better knowing she couldn't be _bothered_ to come...) He looked so sympathetic and miserable - but I could see through him, he was very annoyed, he didn't want to be stuck with some teenage ward, least of all a girl – and then he went straight to my father and told him how sorry he was, and how this should never have happened and blah, blah, blah... I stopped listening for a bit because he was talking nonsense. (I mean, if this never should have happened, then why did it! Father was once the pride of the knights of Camelot, and yet he and his family were left unprotected!) Anyway eventually, father calls me over to them. To be honest, I didn't want to. I didn't want to be handed over to Arthur; I didn't want to meet my new guardian... I didn't want to see my father's heart break as he handed me over, knowing he was to die. Knowing he would never see me grow up. But of course, I had to go over there. (Father was _dying,_ I couldn't disobey him.) Father took my hand in his, patted it softly as he gave me a weak smile, then he placed my hand in Arthurs and asked him to take good care of me. I started bawling at this point, and launched myself at fathers frame. I was scared that I had hurt him even more so, but he just wrapped his arms tight around me and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I don't know how long we stayed like that, hours maybe... minutes? But eventually, I felt his hold loosen, and I knew he was gone...

Everyone around me was sobbing, Mother, Arthur, Gaius... but I just cling to father and refused to let go. I couldn't let go! If I let go then I would have to admit that he was dead! At some point, Arthur pulled me off father's body. At first, I did not realise it was him, and so I clung to him as I cried my little heart out! When I saw that it was Arthur holding me in his arms I pushed him away and fled the room. No one came after me. I took this as a sign that no one gave a damn about me, but as it turns out, on realising that father was dead, mother herself died too. I never got a chance to say goodbye to her..._ I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I didn't take the time to say goodbye to my own mother!_ And now she's dead, she's gone and I can _never_ change that!

Everything caught up with me, as I lay in bed last night. The bed was wonderfully soft and warm and comfortable... and all I could think about was the fact that I'd much rather be at home with my parents, sleeping on the thinnest of mattress's. And then I thought about the fact that they were dead and that I'd never see them again and I just... broke. I just had to get out of that room; I just had to get out of Camelot... So I ran.

The warning bells sounded before Camelot was out of sight. I ignored them, and continued to run. I just wanted to be away from everything, from everyone... I wanted to be alone so I could cry and weep and become totally lost in my own private grief.

Of course, it wasn't long before I got lost myself. The woods all look the same at night, and I felt like I was running round in circles – despite the sounds of the warning bells becoming fainter – so I just curled up in a ball under a tree.

I've been there ever since, desperately trying to sleep. Only I can't sleep... and now the sun is coming up, and I am at a loss as to what to do. I know I can't stay here, under this tree, forever...

Paige xxx


	3. Day 3 Fake Smiles and Merlin

Dear Diary

I must have fallen asleep out there in the woods, because one minute I was curled up, all alone, watching the sun rise and the next there was someone there. For a few seconds, I was frozen. This person was just walking towards me, closer and closer, not bothering to say a word – I was convinced it was the men that killed my parents, back to get me, especially since I couldn't see the man's face. Eventually however, something inside my mind just 'clicked' and I pulled myself to my feet and ran for my life, screaming at the top of my lungs (although, I'm not sure who I thought might be listening in the middle of nowhere). The second I started to run, the person following me started calling my name. That really got to me; I mean how would the raiders who killed my parents know my name? It must mean that they had been looking for me! So I carried on running, and the person continued after me. It wasn't long of course, before I fell down. I'm astonished it didn't happen sooner - father used to tell me that I could trip over thin air. Of course by this point, I was beyond terrified. There was no way I was going to get up in time to get away from the person following me! So I grabbed the nearest things I could find – some sort of branch – and held it in front of me, hoping it would be enough to keep my assailant from laying a hand on me.

"Paige?" my assailant asked, followed by a poorly hidden chuckle. I frowned, more so because I recognised the voice, than because they had laughed at me. It was Arthur. _Great_. I thought to myself. _Just great... I've lived in Camelot for a day, and already I'm in trouble. _I dropped my weapon and opened my eyes with a sigh. _A telling off was far better than being attacked. _When I dropped the branch, Arthur gave me this weird half-hearted (so clearly forced) smile and sat down next to me. He didn't say anything, but his face and body spoke volumes'. He looked as though he'd been up all night searching for me. His eyes were red and swollen – it was hard to tell if that was because of his tiredness, or his tears – his hair was tousled and greasy, like he'd been running his hands through it, and his clothes were rumbled and dirty. I don't know why he bothered looking for me all night, considering he doesn't really want to look after me. I guess he just didn't want to let my father down. For ages he just sat there, looking at the floor, not saying a word, not moving at all. I had to say something, I couldn't take the silence.

"Am I in trouble?" I whispered. Arthur chuckled again, it sounded genuine this time. He sighed and finally lifted his head to look at me. He shook his head.

"No..." He whispered. "No, you're not in any trouble Paige. I'm just glad to see that you're safe," I found myself smiling too – I hate getting in trouble, and to get out of such obvious trouble is a cause to laugh. (Well, not that I did laugh. I didn't want Arthur to think he'd have it easy with me did I?) For a few minutes more, we just sat there in the same uncomfortable silence as before, only this time I could not think of anything to say. _What was there to say? _Eventually Arthur spoke. "You know, I promised your father that I'd take good care of you Paige, but... I can't do that if you're not willing to behave," It was like a slap in the face, it really was. _What had I done? Nothing! Idiot King!_

"I haven't done anything!" I insisted. Then I paused and whispered "Yet," (Hey, you never know what tomorrow might bring,)

"Aside from running away, scaring the hell out of me, and having half of Camelot out looking for you," Arthur said with an eyebrow raised. My jaw just dropped.

"You said I wasn't in any trouble!" I cried out.

"No, you're not," Arthur promised. "But I'm making exceptions this time, considering the circumstances. Next time I won't be so lenient," _Great._ I thought. _Living with him should be fun. By the sounds of it I'll get in trouble for breathing. _"Now come on, we better head back to Camelot before they send out a search party for me as well," Arrogant much?

--

The walk back to Camelot was long and silent... mostly anyway. Arthur tried to talk to me a few times but I wasn't really interested in having a conversation with him. When we got back to Camelot we were greeting by the most handsome man ever... He was stunning! Tall and slim, with bright blue eyes that kind of sunk back into his head a little – but only because he had the most incredible cheekbones ever! His face was framed by this long black hair that just reached his shoulders. It was kind of messy, but that only made it look better! And he had just the smallest amount of stubble on his face – I don't know if he'd left it there on purpose or if it was because he'd been up all night worrying – and it just made him look so grown up! He must have been someone noble, to have greeted the King, but he certainly didn't dress that way. He wore a plain blue shirt, brown trousers and the cutest little red scarf around his neck.

He was just... perfect. I think I fell in love with him right then and there.

Arthur called him Merlin, and said he was the court sorcerer and his own personal advisor. But I didn't care about that. All I cared about was the fact that Merlin was speaking to be.

"So you're the girl causing all the trouble?" he asked with a sweet smile. I nodded, unable to find my voice. (Argh, he must have thought that I was some illiterate peasant or something) "Paige right? Leon's daughter?" Again just a nod – I was beginning to worry that I'd lost the ability to talk completely. "You look a lot like him," I smiled and blushed this time. Everyone tells me I look like my father, but I never believe them – he was a handsome Knight in shining armour and I am short, over-weight and I can never tame my hair! It looks as though someone has deliberately combed it backwards! – but I believed Merlin.

"Thanks," I managed to stammer out (Although I sounded like I was being strangled). Merlin just smiled even more so, and I just about melted. He smile was just so sweet, yet kind of goofy, but warm and genuine. Not like the way Arthur smiled at me. His smile was so clearly forced!

"I'm really sorry that he and your mother passed away. Leon was a good friend, and a good man... I'm sorry to see him go. And your mother was a wonderful woman. What happened – it was no way for them to die," I cried when he said that, really just bawled! Merlin seemed utterly shocked and bewildered, but he pulled me into his arms. "Hey, it's ok Paige... everything will be ok, I promise. You'll be well looked after in Camelot, I assure you,"

"Promise?" I asked. Merlin laughed, his whole face lighting up.

"Well, I can't promise, not when you're guardian is a royal Prat, but I can promise that I'll be around to make sure he doesn't get it all too wrong," I think I did melt this time...

Arthur and Merlin started talking then; it started off as playful banter and then got into serious business talk, so Arthur ordered me to my chambers, and told me I wasn't to leave them until Gaius had come up to check on me, and until he called me down to join him at dinner. _I knew living with him would be a pain._

It wasn't until I was in my chambers, waiting for Gaius (who I'm surprised agreed to come up and see to me, at his age he shouldn't be able to make one step, let alone flights of them,) when it occurred to me.

_Why was Merlin waiting to meet Arthur and the gates? Surely his wife and Queen should be the one waiting to greet him when he returned home..?_

Anyway, that's Gaius knocking at my door; I better let him check me over. Although I don't see the point, I feel fine! Still, I want to be able to enjoy dinner without getting told off so...

Paige xxxx

--

_**Also, in answer to some questions about ages. Arthur is 35, Merlin is 33 Gwen is 36 (I always thought that Gwen seemed so much older than Arthur) and Paige is 13. Her father, Leon would have been 45 and her mother would have been 42.**_


	4. Day 4 Graves and Guinevere

Dear Diary

Well dinner was a great 'success'. Arthur came to my chambers personally and _escorted_ me down to the banquet hall (as if I can't be trusted to go there myself! Prat!), where a platter of meats, fruits and cheese was already waiting for us. (There was still no sign of Gwen, his wife.) He pulled my chair back for me, and once I sat down, he pushed it back under the table. But that's where the pleasantries ended. The second he sat down he started talking, not even giving me the chance to take a bite! (And I was starved!)

"Would you like to see where we buried your mother and father?" he asked, as if this were an everyday thing to ask. My jaw just dropped. _They had buried my parents __**without**__ me? How dare they! How dare __**he**__? Does he really want to make my life even more intolerable? _I wanted to slap Arthur, to walk away from the table – dinner be damned – and return to my chambers. I wanted to, but I didn't. What would be the point? I'd only get in more trouble.

"You buried them _without_ me?" I growled through my teeth, giving him a fierce glare. Arthur looked offended, but didn't say a word. (Although it was obvious he wanted to, and was biting his tongue,)

"No one knew where you had gone. We had to bury them before they started to decompose," Arthur said, sounding very matter of fact and empty of any emotion. _Was he stupid or something? Did he not care for my parents – or me for that matter – but at all? Did he not think that maybe, __**maybe**__ I might want to be there when they buried my parents. Could he not wait one measly day before he threw them in the ground without a care in the world?_

"You couldn't have waited for me?" I asked bitterly, now picking at the food I had no interest in. (I always go off my food when I'm mad. It's stupid really, but who can concentrate on eating when you're bubbling over with rage?)

"You were stupid enough to run off, you suffer the consequences," Arthur said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "Now, do you want me to take you to where they have been buried, or would you rather not know?" he asked rather rudely. _What gives him the right to talk to me like that? My parents had just __**died**__, or course I was going to run off!_

"Why can't someone else take me there?" I asked, now not even bothering to pick at my food. I was beyond angry now, how dare he talk to me in such a way! All I wanted was to see my parents buried – was that too much to ask?

"I know you're grieving young Lady, but that is no reason for such a foul attitude!" Arthur raged, slamming his clenched fist down on the table. I jumped at the sound – he'd hit the table to hard, the plates had rattled – and immediately blushed. I hate being caught off-guard.

"Yeah? Well, you may be my new _guardian_ but that gives you no right to speak to me in such a way!" I yelled, rising to my feet as I did so, ready to storm off to my chambers in a huff. Arthur stood too, grabbed my wrist to prevent me from going anywhere. I struggled against him, but it was no good.

"How dare you talk to me like that! You will stay here, and you will apologise!" he demanded. I would have laughed if he had not scared me so much, he was being utterly ridiculous! I had done nothing wrong, and he had! Yet I was the one being made to apologise.

"I am not apologising to you," I whispered, giving Arthur a cold stare. He gave a tug on my wrist, dragged me closer to him – so close, our noses almost touched.

"Then you aren't going anywhere," he snarled. Suddenly I was frightened... he looked so terrifying and I almost mumbled out an apology. But then Merlin interrupted us.

"Arthur! Let her go!" he demanded, rushing at us. Arthur seemed to snap out of some sort of trance. He let go and his eyes widened in astonishment. I backed off at once, rubbing my sore wrist.

"Paige... I am so sorry," he whispered, moving towards me as if to comfort me. _What the hell was going on?_ I thought. _What had gotten into this idiot... one minute he was threatening me, the next he was holding out his arms as if he wanted to hug me! _I backed off, feeling even more terrified.

"Leave me alone!" I demanded. Arthur's eyes widened again, and he stopped in his tracks, dropped his arms. Merlin ran at me; put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. The contact made me shiver slightly, but Merlin (thankfully) got the wrong idea.

"Paige, it's ok, I won't hurt you," he whispered, dropping his hand from my shoulder as if I were made of flames. I was so at a loss at what to do – on one hand, I wanted Merlin to comfort me, but on the other, I wanted to get as far away from Arthur as possible – so I simply shook my head, and fled the room.

I didn't leave my chambers all night after that.

--

I woke up in my chambers quite late the next morning – obviously making up for all the sleep I'd missed recently – and found a strange woman standing in front of my bed, an astonishing red dress in her hands. It took me a few seconds to realise who she was – Guinevere, Arthur's wife.

"Good morning Paige, I hope I didn't wake you," she said politely, as if she were my maid or something. I smiled at her and shook my head. She had, but I felt rude saying that. "I thought you might like to go and see where your parents have been buried," she said as she draped the dress over the foot of my bed. "I thought this dress would suit you... I had many made them I heard you would become mine and Arthur's ward, but I think this one would suit you most."

"Did Arthur send you?" I asked sceptically, and eyebrow raised. Gwen laughed as she opened my curtains, letting in the bright mate-morning sunlight.

"No, he doesn't know I am here. He is very ashamed of his behaviour last night, and wanted to make amends to you himself – but I thought maybe I better make your acquaintance first, give you a chance to calm down," she said with a smile as she started to tidy up my things, not even bothering to make a fuss over the fact that I was yet to put anything away. "I have to say I am not best pleased with him, I have never known him to act in such a way – it must be the grief for your father. He cared very much for him you know... still, I know that is no excuse,"

"How do you know about last night?" I asked. "You weren't there..." I thought I might have been a little too rude, but Gwen simply smiled again.

"Word travels fast," she said. I decided to be a bit more demanding. After all, it was very odd that she hadn't been around for my first few days in Camelot – that she hadn't been at Arthur's side to greet her new ward, or to say goodbye to the Knight she once knew.

"Where have you been?" I asked. Gwen paused; her smile faltered ever so slightly, and gave a small half-hearted laugh.

"I was helping my father with a few things," she said nervously. "I am sorry I couldn't have been there when you first arrived – it must have been a hard time for you. Now, do you need help with your dress?" I got the over-whelming feeling that she was lying – I'm sure father said she had no family left when she married Arthur – but I didn't push the matter. Instead I let her leave so that I could dress. (I have been dressing myself for a long time now, why would I suddenly need help? Then again, I'm sure Arthur is incapable of dressing himself. Idiot. Poor Gwen must be used to dressing people.) Something weird was going on in the castle, and I was determined to find out what that was!

--

Gwen and I went to the simple spot where my parents had been buried. It was at the edge of the forest, and was surrounded by trees. Freshly picked flowers lay on top of the recently dug graves. It was beautiful... perfect. So perfect I feel to my knees, straight into the sea of grief that had been waiting for me since the moment my parents had died. Gwen stood by my side while I sobbed, never once talking, leaving me alone with my grief, but having enough sense to keep her presence known, so I knew I wasn't all alone in the world. For that I was grateful. Had she left, or interrupted my anguish, I think I would have rushed off yet again.

Gwen had brought a picnic with her, and we moved down to a stream and enjoyed a small lunch. I talked about my parents, of fond memories, and she told me what my father had been like when he was a Knight of Camelot. She seemed so very sweet, and it made me wonder – why was she married to such an arse?

Speaking of the arse, he is meant to be coming to 'make amends' with me about his behaviour at dinner, but the sun is setting and he is yet to find me. How very impolite of him. How he got to be – and how he remains – King, I will never know!

Paige xxxx


	5. Day 5 Overlooked and Overheard

Dear Diary

The arse never came to find me last night! So much for an apology! I wasn't really expecting one really, but Gwen promised that he would come to my chambers and talk to be about his behaviour at dinner. I don't blame Gwen, I think she genuinely believed Arthur. She should stop doing such things... he's an arrogant Prat, doesn't she realise?

I ended up falling asleep. Again. I have been sleeping far too much recently, it's slightly worrying. I should talk to Gaius about it, but maybe it's part of the grieving process..? Anyway it was dark when I was awoken by a knock on my door. I invited whoever it was to come in, as I quickly brushed my hair into submission. (Not that it ever submits, but still, points for trying...) It was Merlin, and I just about had a heart attack!

"Hi Paige," he said quite shyly. "I was concerned when you missed dinner... thought I'd bring you some up," He_ was concerned about me! I just about swooned when he said that. _

"Um... thanks. I ... er... fell asleep," I admitted. _What else could I say to him? My mind was such a mess I couldn't even contemplate thinking up a better response! _Merlin chuckled as he presented me with a plate of meats and cheese.

"Grieving does weird things to the body," he said knowledgeably. I smiled and nodded, my mouth to full for me to speak._ He is so smart... _"Arthur wanted to talk to you... about what he did last night. But he got called away for something first thing this morning, he sends his apologies," Merlin gave the strangest smile when he talked about the arse, it was goofy, yet apologetic and also... loving. The guy must really worship his king. Heaven only knows why...

"I wasn't expecting one anyway," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "He seems like an arrogant Prat to me," Merlin laughed when I said this, _laughed! He found me funny!_ I blushed a brilliant red as he chuckled.

"I think everyone gets that impression from him when they first meet him. I certainly did. But you'll grow to love him eventually... I expect anyway," Merlin confessed. _That made me really smile. At least I wasn't alone in thinking the king was an arrogant Prat. Although to be honest, I doubt very much that I'll ever grow to love Arthur._ Merlin must have caught a look at my face, because he was soon laughing again. "Okay, I get it, you're a teenager and you have just lost your real father... you won't grow to love him. In fact, you'll always hate him. Happy?" I laughed and nodded.

"Yes, very much so," I chuckled. Merlin beamed and ruffled my hair. (Normally, I hate it when people do that to me, but I made an exception for Merlin.)

"I better go. I'm meant to be meeting with a woman who thinks her daughter is a seer," he said as he stood and headed to my door. "It was nice talking to you Paige... if you ever need to chat – about anything – you come find me, ok?" _Could he be any sweeter?_

"Ok," I said enthusiastically (although, not too much so I hope!) "Thanks Merlin,"

"Anytime," said Merlin with a sweet smile as he slipped out of the door.

--

Arthur woke me up first thing the next morning – arse! The sun wasn't even fully risen! _It was still dawn, what the hell was he doing waking me up? Could he not wait until normal people get up? _

"I'm sorry Paige, did I wake you?" he asked as he put his head round my door. I groaned into my pillow. If I had been more awake, I would have yelled at him, but I was still pretty much out for the count, so I just mumbled at him.

"Yeah... um, what do you want Arthur?" I asked, not bothering to even lift my head from my pillow. _Why should I take the trouble to look at him when he's been rude enough to wake me at dawn?_

"Sorry Paige, I just got back... I thought I would talk to you before I went to bed. I guess I should have waited for you to wake up," _Well duh! Arse!_

"Its fine, I can always go back to sleep," I lied (I can never get back to sleep after being woken up). Arthur smiled and came and sat on the end of my bed. (Argh!)

"I think that Gwen may have already informed you" (warned more like) "that I wanted to apologise for the way I treated you the other night at dinner," his tone was very sombre, and he looked ashamed of himself_. (So he should be! He is King of Camelot, and he thinks he can threaten teenage girls like that?)_

"Hmmmm..." I mumbled, neither in agreement or disagreement. I still wasn't fully awake. Arthur laughed at this. _Laughed!_ _I'm beginning to think even less of his every time I see him. I have never, ever meet anyone so rude!_

"I'll leave you to sleep shall I?" he asked. I mumbled something as equally inaudible as before. Arthur laughed again, ruffled my hair. _(Argh! Why, just why! If I'd been the least bit awake I would have said something.) _"Sleep well Sweetheart," he said as he kissed my forehead and left the room._What the __**hell**__? There is no way he's getting away with that again! Who does he think he is, my father? My father who isn't even cold in his grave? What an arse, a total arse! He will never hear the end of this I swear._

_--_

I had a pretty uneventful morning really. I couldn't get back to sleep after Arthur left so I went to the kitchens (it only took half an hour to find them! This castle is a maze!) and got my breakfast. I spent the morning wondering around Camelot, exploring my new home. Camelot is so different to the small village I once knew. There, everyone knew everyone and everyone looked out forone other. There was no such thing as money, and people traded favours for food and water for wood! Here in Camelot, everyone is so rude to one another. No one seems to bother with anyone but themselves and money rules over them all. It's terrible, one poor man – so incredibly old he could barely move – didn't have enough for a loaf of bread and the market stall holder hit him! _Hit him_! And no one said a thing, no one! I was so disgusted that I went up to the market stall holder, threw a few coins in his face, and raced off after the old man, a loaf of bread in my hands. The old man nodded at me, patted my hand and walked off. I guess that was his thanks.

Well, if I have to be Arthur's ward, then I might as well make myself useful. There is no way I was going to allow such terrible behaviour to continue! I was going to talk to him during our first official 'family' lunch that afternoon, but he had to rush off almost straight away. 'Important business'. Apparently. Personally I think it was rather rude of him, I mean whatever that 'business' was I'm sure it could have waited. It makes me wonder if he ever spends time with his wife? _Defiantly something weird going on._

--

I decided to talk to Merlin about it. After all he is Arthur's personal advisor and court sorcerer. If anyone can give me gossip on the king's personal life, it's him.

Well, that's what I told myself, but really... I just wanted to talk to Merlin again.

However, when I finally got to Merlin's chambers (I got lost again!) I realised that Arthur was in there. They were arguing... sort of. There was something about the tone of Arthur's voice when he spoke to Merlin that wasn't quite right... and the same with Merlin too.

"I don't know how much longer I can keep this up," Arthur cried. "The people of Camelot are talking... questioning why I have yet to produce an heir with my wife." _It might help if he spent some time with her, is he really so dim-witted that he has no idea how to produce a child?_

"Then do it Arthur, produce an heir!" Merlin screamed back, sounding close to tears. _It broke my heart hearing Merlin sound so upset. All I wanted to do was rush in and wrap my arms around him. Of course that wouldn't have been the wisest move._ Arthurs reply was softer, dismal.

"I could never do that to you... to us! Merlin I just... I'd have to be there for my family... I couldn't just leave them." It sounded like Arthur was crying. But he couldn't be, could he? _Was he __**that**__ desperate not to become a father?_

"I would understand. Arthur, you could have a family and we could still be us! We just couldn't spend as much time together!" _Wow. That's why Arthur didn't want to be a father? Because he wanted to spend time with his friends! My opinion of him sunk even lower. How can his priorities lie with his friends and not with his wife and his duty to his Kingdom?_

"I can't do this anymore... Merlin, I just... I have to get out of here!" Then came the sound of footsteps. _Crap_! There was nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide... I knew I would just have to face Arthur. _I practically wet myself. It was obvious that the conversation that'd he'd just had with Merlin was not one he wanted overheard. After all, he wouldn't want anyone to know he didn't want children did he? Least of all me! _The door swung open and I got a glimpse of Merlin sitting at the foot of his bed, his head in his hands, before Arthur blocked my view. "Paige?" he sounded surprised to see me there, shocked... and more that a little mad. "How long have you been here?" he demanded. I opened my mouth a few times, but was unable to even mumble. "How. Long. Have. You. Been. Here?" he asked, emphasising each word.

"Not long..." I whispered, my voice little more than a squeak. Arthur ducked down so that he was at my level, looked me straight in the eye. I was terrified... I had no idea what he was going to do or say! And then when he grabbed me by the shoulders, I started trembling. Arthur either didn't notice, or didn't care.

"Tell me exactly what you heard!" he demanded, his voice was quite yet the authority and anger in it was more than apparent. By now I was trembling so much; I thought I was going to be sick.

"It's ok Arthur... I won't tell anyone you don't want children..." I whimpered. _I hated that I was so scared of him in that moment, hated it! _For some reason, Arthur calmed right down as soon as I said that.

"Good..." he whispered, sounding relieved and composed. "Make sure of it," I nodded frantically.

"Make sure of what?" I whimpered. It should have been a joke, but it really wasn't. I was still terrified.

"Exactly," Arthur said, letting me go and marching away without pause for thought about my well being. _Arse_! I wanted to go and speak to Merlin, to comfort him and have a rant about the arse with him, but I just couldn't bring myself to go in there. I had this over-whelming feeling that if Arthur caught me in there, or found out I'd spoken to Merlin right after he caught me outside his chambers, I'd be in for a world of trouble. Or worse.

I think I'll avoid dinner tonight...

Paige xxxx


	6. Night 5 Not my father, but close enough

Dear Diary

I ended up going to dinner last night, if only because I was dying of starvation. I would have waited for Merlin to come and bring me food again, but I had this feeling that he wasn't going to be coming out his room any time soon. I was right, he wasn't at dinner. It was just me, Arthur and Gwen. (And a few guards, but they don't really count do they? I mean they just stand there...) It was the most awkward hour ever! Gwen seemed oblivious to the fact that there was tension between me and Arthur, and Arthur was back to being Mr Sweet and Caring. _Arse! I don't get him at all, one minute he tries to act like he cares, tries to act like my father, and the next he acts like he hates me! I think that he might have been dropped on his head as a child... maybe on more than one occasion!_ So of course, I had to ruin the moment for him. _(Not that I meant to... really. Well, maybe on some subconscious level... but hey, he had it coming!)_

"Paige, Merlin said you'd mentioned to him that you'd been sleeping a lot more than usual, would you like me to talk to Gaius?" he asked. Gwen smiled at him, placed her hand over his, proud of the fact that her husband was being so sweet and caring – if only she knew! Could she not hear the deception in his voice?

"No, I'm fine," I insisted. _And I was! Merlin had got it bang on (well, I think anyway) with his theory that the changes in my sleeping patterns were part of the grieving process._ But Arthur was persistent.

"Paige, sweetheart, I really think you should see Gaius about your sleeping problems – something might be wrong," I rolled my eyes.

"Don't call me sweetheart!" I retorted. _Did Arthur not hear me the first time? I __**said**__ I was fine!_

"Paige we have already talked about your attitude once, let's not talk about it again," Arthur warned.

"Arthur if she said that she's fine-" Gwen said, beginning to defend me. But of course, the arse cut her off.

"That's not the point Guinevere! The point is that Paige has an attitude problem," Arthur raged as he clenched his fist and brought it down on the table with a thud.

"That wasn't attitude! I just don't want you to call me sweetheart!" I yelled. _How __**dare**__ he say I have an attitude problem! I just don't want him calling me sweetheart – that's what my father called me! How is that an attitude problem?_

"How dare you raise your voice to me! Do you have no respect for you guardian and king?" Arthur shouted. Gwen shot him a warning look, which he ignored completely.

"Arthur, please, just leave it," Gwen pleaded.

"Guinevere I am trying my hardest with her and she just throws it back in my face," he raged, shifting his anger from me to Gwen. Lucky for Gwen, she could hold her own.

"Arthur. She has just lost her parents and is now living with strangers. I can't even begin to contemplate how hard that must be for her. She needs time to settle, to adjust. A few days is not enough," Gwen's voice was calm, gentle, yet held the same authority of Arthurs yells. I could see in that moment, exactly why Arthur had chosen her for his queen. But he made me question even more so, why he was so reluctant to spend more time with her.

"I understand that Guinevere," Arthur whispered, trying to match Gwen's calm and collected tone. His anger still came through. "But that does not give Paige reason to yell at me for something as trivial as calling her 'sweetheart'"

"That's what my father called me!" I cried, leaping from my chair. Gwen and Arthur turned to stare at me, and I'm ashamed to say my eyes were brimming over with tears. "You can't call me that! That's what he called me... you can't call me that!" I rushed out of the room before I could see their reactions, and burst into full on sobs the second I shut my chamber doors.

--

I must have cried myself to sleep, for when I awoke my candle had burnt itself out and someone was in my room, just watching me. I assumed it was Arthur, here to ask for my forgiveness yet again. (It's fast becoming his new favourite hobby I swear.)

"Arthur, come back in the morning" I murmured as I pulled my blankets around myself. (One of the great perks about being the kings ward – the softest bed with the silkiest blankets!) However 'Arthur' didn't leave. "Arthur please, I want to sleep!" I groaned, trying my hardest to not raise my voice. It was far too late for another argument. 'Arthur' still didn't leave. "Just go away!" I shouted, finally turning to face my guardian. However, I was not meet with the face of Arthur Pendragon, but the face of a complete stranger. The man just stood there, dressed in a black robe with the hood up, staring at me. Just staring, this weird smirk on his face. Suddenly, I wanted Arthur to be in my chambers! I had no idea who this man was, or what his purpose with me was. Was he here to kill me? Kidnap me? Or worse? I wanted to scream, I really did, but fear had captured my throat in its iron grasp and had left me unable to even breathe, let alone speak. The expression on his face stayed the same, even as he watched the fear develop on mine. "What do you want?" I managed to squeak out, putting great strain on my stricken throat. The man's facial expression finally changed. He smirked at me, and then started muttering. His words made no sense to me, but I recognised them at once to be words of magic. Ropes appeared out of thin air and bound my wrists before I even had a chance to move. "Please..." I muttered, as loud as I could manage. The man simply smirked even more so, and repeated his magical words. This time the rope bound my feet. I tried to scream, tried so hard I thought my throat might explode with the pain, but nothing came out. I was so terrified by this point that I began to weep, tears streamed down my face as my whole chest heaved with the severity of my tears, yet the man in the black robe did nothing. He had stopped mumbling now, and was staring again. I had no idea what was going on. Why was I bound if all he was going to do was stare? Was he waiting for others? Or was he waiting to do something? My question was answered when, at the stroke of midnight, he started to whisper his words of magic once again. As he spoke, I felt myself levitate of the bed, and saw a blinding white light surround me. What the hell was going on? I tried to scream again, but failed. I tried to fight against my bindings, but they were so tight, that any movement cut into my skin. When warm blood started to drip from my tie wrists, I did something I never thought I would do. I called for Arthur. For some reason, although I couldn't scream out like I wanted, I was able to call out Arthur's name at the top of my voice. "Arthur!" The cry was shrill, distressed and I said it once, then again, and again. The cloaked man seemed oblivious to my screams, and carried on with his magical words. Then, just when I thought that all hope was lost, Arthur, dressed only in his nightwear yet welding a sword, burst into my chambers. The cloaked man paid him no more attention than to raise his left hand in his direction – and Arthur was thrown against my chamber wall, sword and all. Arthurs eyes widened and then rolled into the back of his head as his body hit the stone wall, before going limp. I tried to scream again, despite knowing my efforts were futile. That's when I felt it, the blinding light going through my body. It didn't hurt, but I still felt it. It made me feel as though I was dissolving in the air. I was so terrified by this point that I was simply still, silent. I couldn't make my body do a thing.

But then it stopped, and I fell back onto my bed, bindings and light gone. I looked up to see the cloaked man fall to the floor beneath him, Arthur's sword piercing his side. A look over at Arthur told me that he had flung it at my attacker from his position on the floor. He watched the crumbling man for a few seconds, watched as he disappeared into a cyclone of wind, before he rushed to my side and pulled me into his arms. As much as I hated him, I couldn't help but cling to him and let my tears fall.

"Paige... are you okay? What happened?" he cried frantically as he held me tight and examined my still bleeding wrists. I tried to speak, but found that my throat was still closed tight, so I just shook my head. "It's okay Paige, I'm here, I'm here..." Arthur promised as he rubbed my back.

"Don't leave me..." I managed to croak out. Arthur shushed me and shook his head.

"I won't, I promise," he assured me.

"I'm so scared..." I admitted. Arthur held me tighter, kissed the top of my head. For once I didn't mind, in fact I found it comforting.

"Go to sleep Paige, I promise you I am going nowhere," Arthur whispered. I wanted to sleep, to slumber and escape the nightmare of what had just happened, but I did not feel the least bit tired. Still, I decided that I might as well try, so I nodded and allowed Arthur to tuck me up in bed, the way my father used to do when I had nightmares as a child. For some reason I managed to find the same comfort in Arthurs actions as I had in my father's actions.

"Please don't let me go..." I whispered as Arthur went to sit in the chair at my bedside. He nodded, and lay next to me, above the covers, and wrapped his arms around me once again. I lay my head on his chest, and tried my best to sleep. I don't think I did.... the darkness dragged on and on, almost endlessly so. When dawn finally came, I felt like I'd been awake for days. I don't think Arthur slept either, but he didn't say anything about it.

"I'm sorry I let that happen Paige," he whispered when the morning sunlight reached my face and he realised that I was awake. I didn't say anything; I just lay there, staring out into nothingness. "Paige I have to go and sort this out, will you be ok alone or do you want someone to come and stay with you?"

"I don't want you to go..." I whispered. Arthur sighed, pulled me closer to him.

"I can stay a little while longer, but I can't put off meeting with my knights about this. This is a major breech of our security; I want to know how that sorcerer managed to get in undetected," Arthur sounded angry, a different angry than he had been with me the night before. This anger seemed to consume him completely. I realised in that second, that he must have cared deeply for me to have been so angered at the fact that someone had tried to attack me.

"I don't want to be left alone, okay?" I asked. Arthur frowned and nodded.

"I promise you, you won't be left alone until you feel safe enough to be alone," he assured me.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I was alone in bed, and Guinevere was asleep in the chair by my bed. She's still there now, sound asleep. I don't want to wake her, I just want Arthur... but I'm too scared to leave my room.

Paige...


	7. Day 6 The Once and Future Queen

Dear Diary

I'm not sure how I made it through today. I spent all of my waking hours just trembling with fear, looking over my shoulder at any unknown noise, jumping out of my skin whenever I heard words of magic! I was so thankful when Arthur and Merlin came to relieve Gwen of my care at around midday. As nice as Gwen is, I didn't feel like she could protect me, should another sorcerer attack me.

"Paige, are you ok? You don't look like you've slept at all," Arthur said with a sad sigh as he and Merlin entered my chambers. I gave him a _very_ forced smile, but was unable to keep it there. When it fell, I shook my head.

"I didn't sleep much," I admitted, yawning as if to back that up. Arthur frowned at me, and turned to face Merlin, who was spreading something out on my table.

"Merlin, could you do a spell that would help her sleep... um, if you want that Paige?" he said, turning to me in question. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Um... maybe... if I can't sleep tonight that is. If I sleep now, I'll be awake all night again," I said. Arthur nodded at me.

"Yes, of course." He said with a nod of his head. "Other than that, have you been okay?" I wanted to nod, to say yes. I didn't want him to think of me as some weak little girl, yet I couldn't help but let tears spring to my eyes. "Oh Paige..." he cried, rushing over to pull me into a hug.

"I keep thinking that he's going to come back to finish what he started," I cried, clinging to Arthur. Arthur rubbed by back, kissed the top of my head.

"He won't... not for another month. You see we –" Merlin coughed. "Fine, Merlin discovered the reasoning behind your attack last night,"

"There is a prophecy about you Paige," he said, pointing at one of the many books that lay open in front of him. Arthur walked me over to them, not once letting me go. (I think he was afraid that I'd fall down if he did. And maybe I might have... I couldn't stop shaking!)

"This makes no sense to me," I admitted, glancing over page after page of unfamiliar words. I felt ashamed to admit it, horrified. I'd always prided myself on being one of the few villagers' back home that was able to read and write. Merlin chuckled and I blushed hideously. _I felt like he was making fun of me, which was the last thing I wanted from Merlin!_

"It's in Latin," he said with a smile. "Don't you worry about not being able to read it, that's my job," I beamed at Merlin – well, the best I could, given the circumstances – glad that he was being nice to me again.

"What does it say?" I asked. "Am I going to turn to the dark side, like the Lady Morgana?" _I was very fearful of that... despite the fact that I held no magic in me, I was terrified that the spell cast on me was to turn me evil. Not that I could do much being evil, being just a teenage girl, but still... _Arthur chuckled at me, patted my shoulder.

"It's nothing like that Paige. It is.... something most unexpected..." Arthur paused for a second, a thoughtful look on his face. "I would never have guessed, not ever..." I frowned at Arthur, a little annoyed with him. _I wanted to know what this prophecy was all about! What could it be, if not a warning that I would grow to become evil?_

"Arthur, stop beating around the bush, put the poor girl out of her misery!" Merlin chuckled. I gave him another beam, and blushed when he returned it.

"Alright! Paige, the prophecy says that when I die, you will rule in my place, as the first female ruler of Camelot... you will keep the peace that I have restored, and spread that peace even more so, across this Kingdom and beyond. It also says you will become a fierce swordswoman, one that heads into battle with her knights. It says you will battle with unrivalled bravery and daring, and that you will bring down the man that ends my life... not that Merlin will tell me who that is mind!" My jaw just about dropped when Arthur said that. _Me, rule over Camelot? There was no way! Surely Arthurs children would rule in his place... no, something was wrong here! This could not be! _

"That cannot be right!" I insisted, having to sit down for fear that I would simply slump to the floor. "Surely your children will rule after you," Arthur gave me a sad smile, fresh tears filled his eyes.

"The prophecy states that my wife is unable to bare children..." he said sadly.

"Couldn't you just..." I began, remembering that there was a way that his wife could bear a child, if magic was involved. It was how Arthur's mother had him. Arthur started shaking his head before I'd even finished my sentence.

"One life for another... but we don't know which life will be taken it its place. I refuse to risk the lives' of anyone, for the sake an heir," I gave Arthur a sceptical look, not truly believing the tears that threatened to fall down his face. _Was it not yesterday that I caught him saying he didn't want children?_

"I thought you did not want children anyway," I asked, an eyebrow raised. He and Merlin exchanged an odd look – Merlin's eyes raised in some unsaid question, and Arthur shook his head. Then Arthur turned his attention back to me. _There really is something strange going on in this castle!_

"I do want children Paige... I just... just didn't want them now. I'm still settling into being King, and now to being your guardian," he said, but his eyes didn't once look into mine, and I had this overwhelming feeling that he was lying. I decided to leave it (for now) and find out more about what this prophecy had to do with my attack the night before.

"So, what does that prophecy have to do with me being attacked last night?" I asked. Arthur growled ever so slightly, tightened his grip on my shoulder.

"They were going to take out your soul, and replace it with the soul of one of their followers... it would mean that you would be in their body, and they would be in yours," Merlin said sadly, flicking through one of his books. _The tone of his voice made my heart skip a beat... he sounded so scared at the prospect that something might happen to me! I might stand a chance with him yet!_ "Basically, someone would be in your body, and they would kill the body you would be in, thus ending your life... and leaving the person in your body to live as you," Merlin sighed and ran his hands through his already greasy hair. It looked like he'd been running his hands through it a lot. _All for me_!

"So... this person, who would be in my body, would... do what exactly?" I asked, a bit confused as to where they were going with the conversation. _What would be the point of living as me really? I mean, there is the prophecy about me yes, but it's doubtful that its true._

"That person would wait until I named you my heir, and would then kill me and Guinevere," Arthur snarled, clenching his fist around my shoulder once again. "They would then be left to rule Albion, and would bring utter chaos to the land_!" Ah, so maybe there was good reason to live as me after all. _

"The good thing is, they can only perform this spell at the stroke of midnight, on the night of a full moon. So we are prepared for next time," Merlin said, now beaming again. _God I love that smile, so cute... _

"The plan is for someone to take your place... there are a few prisoners' awaiting execution, and Merlin will use his magic's to make one of them look like you, while we take the real you away to somewhere safe. The sorcerers who attacked will return, perform the spell, and once it's finished, we will launch our assault," _It all sounded very complicated to me! What if there were more men, more men who would come back and try again, and again, until they had someone in my body? _

"What if they come back after that?" I whispered, sounding more terrified than I intended._ God I hate sounding like a lost little girl, especially in front of Merlin!_

"They won't. Merlin will perform a spell that will lead us to anyone else linked to this attack, and we will be able to hunt down and kill them all," Arthur promised._ As he did so he gave Merlin the most loving smile, it was so pure, so proud... was he that pleased that Merlin had found a way to save me?_

"I would perform it now, but I need someone to be a link to the others, and the man that attacked you last night vanished," Merlin said. "I wish I could do it now Paige, and make you feel safe, but the only spell I can do will prevent anyone from entering your chambers... myself and Arthur included,"_ Hmmm, we wouldn't want that!_ I thought with a wicked grin.

"I'm sure I'll be ok...." I whispered, smiling at Merlin. Merlin reached out and ruffled my hair, causing me to blush and beam even more so.

"You're a brave girl Paige," he said with a smile.

"Do you know how to handle a sword?" Arthur asked, interrupting the moment with Merlin. _I wanted to be mad at Arthur, really I did, but the idea of sword fighting was so... irrespirable! _

"No.... father did not want me to become skilled at, he said it was not something a woman should learn," I said sadly. _And it was true! I remember being young, and begging my father to teach me how to sword fight. He always said no, always insisted that he would defend me until the day he handed me over to my own knight in shining armour..._

"Well you'll have to learn, considering the future that lies ahead of you," Arthur said. He pulled me to my feet and gave me a once over. "We'll have to get you fitted for some chainmail and armour though, you're way too small to wear any we already have. I'll get Gwen to take you to the blacksmiths after lunch," he said. "That is, if you want to..?" _What was with Arthur being so considerate of me today? Was it because I had been attacked? Or because he was finally beginning to realise that I was an individual, capable of making my own decisions?_ I nodded frantically, beaming.

"I'd like that!" I said. My words sent a look of pride onto Arthurs face. "Will you train me Arthur?" I asked, knowing that he was the best swordsman Camelot had ever seen, better than my father even...

"Of course!" he said, almost laughing. "Paige you had no reason to ask, I would train you without question,"

"If you're anything like your father, this will all come to you as naturally as breathing," Merlin chuckled as he gathered up his books. "With the exception of Arthur, I have never seen such a natural at handling a sword," I beamed at Merlin as he reminisced about my father._ It was so nice of him to say that! To think that I could take after my father and be a natural with a sword! _

_--_

After lunch Gwen took me down to the blacksmiths, and I was prodded and measured for ages as the blacksmith took details. But it was worth it, for my armour and chainmail will be ready by the end of the week! I cannot wait to begin training, to be like my father, like Arthur!

Gwen seemed very upset, but I didn't dare question it. She had obviously just found out that she could not have children, and I hate to think how much that must be hurting her... I couldn't even begin to contemplate how I'd feel if I found out that I could not have children... Still, Arthur was very sweet to her today, he held her in his arms as she cried, told her everything would be ok. I guess it is, for him, he does not what children, and now he knows that I will take his place on the throne after his death (something I'm still not sure about, but still...), but Gwen will never know the joy of having her own child! She must be dying inside...

She wasn't at dinner either, Arthur said that she wasn't feeling well, but I know the truth. I didn't say anything though, despite wanting too. Arthur distracted me with talk of swords d shields and we got a bit distracted... Still, I'm sure she'll be alright eventually. She has to be, she's the queen, Arthur needs her at his side!

I think I will try and have an early night. I can already feel my eyes forcing themselves shut! Arthur has put guards outside my door now, so I feel a bit safer. Still, I would feel a lot safer if he put Merlin outside my room!

Paige xxx


	8. Day 7 Annoying just about everyone

Dear Diary

Today has been extremely weird and confusing, so much has happened and I don't know what to make of it all! The problem is, I seem to be at the centre of everyone's problems at the moment! Suddenly I feel as though I don't belong in Camelot, and that really, I should have died with my parents, prophecy or no prophecy!

It all started after breakfast. I was last to leave the hall, and as I was walking to my chambers, I heard Gwen and Arthur arguing. Really arguing! I wasn't going to listen in, but then my name came up... quite a few times, and so I decided to listen in._ After all if the argument was about me I had every right to know what was being said... right?_

"No Arthur, I'm serious! Do I even resister as your wife now? Do I?" Gwen screamed. I winched when she screamed, the sound was so unnatural and totally out of character for Gwen. I may have only known her a short time, but I know that she is not the sort of person to raise her voice! (My mother was the same, preferring to speak softly and calmly. Yelling, she had said, was pointless, because that's when people stopped listening. Although that didn't stop her yelling at my father that time I fell in the river and almost drowned...)

"Of course Gwen, you are my wife and I love you! It's just that I have important matters to deal with at the moment!" Arthur retorted. He sounded as angry as he had the night that I was attacked! That scared me slightly, if he was capable of getting that angry at the woman he claimed to love then... well it doesn't bear thinking about!

"Like Merlin? Like Paige?" Guinevere said my name with such frustration and rage that I almost went storming into the room to confront her.

"I am her guardian!" Arthur insisted. "I promised her father – on his death bed – that I would take good care of her, and I am determined to do that!" I couldn't help but smile as he said that, while it seemed at first that he did not care nor want me, he had proven in the last few days that he held a soft spot for me.

"You weren't bothered about her until you found out about that bloody prophecy! Since you found out that I cannot give you a son, since you found out that she will rule after you die and be the sort of person you wanted your son to be, you have decided that she is worth knowing after all!" Ouch! That hurt. That really... Surely Arthur cared about me, prophecy or not! I mean, he rescued me and stayed by my side after that sorcerer came into my room! He cared then! He did! He... I think.

"That is a lie and you know it Gwen! I've cared about her since day one, I simply struggled to fit the role of guardian! I didn't know where my boundaries were, what I had to do to make her happy," That made me feel a little better. But only a little...

"Ok, so maybe that's true... maybe... maybe you just needed to adjust to that role, but Arthur, the second you found out that I would not be able to give you an heir, you have kept your distance. You have not come to our chambers at night; you have spent no time with me..." Gwen stopped at this point, and I could hear her crying. But I could not hear Arthur comfort her in any way. "Arthur... I cannot have children! I cannot... all I've ever wanted... and now that chance has been taken from me! I am dying inside, and you do not seem to care for you have what you want, you have the heir you craved so much. An heir that will carry on your legacy... and what do I have? Not even my right as a woman!" I ran at this point, ran and did not look back. I felt so overwhelmingly sick, so terrible... Poor Gwen! She must just want to crawl in a hole and never emerge! How can Arthur have just stood there and watched her break like that? (And I knew he had just stood there, I did not hear him move towards her, did not hear him wrap his arms round his wife...) I decided that if Arthur wasn't going to comfort her, then maybe I should!

--

I waited an hour, maybe more, before I headed down towards Arthur and Gwen's chambers. Gwen was in there alone (I could see Arthur from my window, wandering off towards the market area with Merlin) – I could hear her weeping softly. I knocked just the once, and waited for permission to enter. Gwen tried her best to compose herself before she opened the door, but her eyes remained swollen and red. Her cheeks were still stained with recently dried tears.

"Paige!" She cried in shock. She smiled at me, and moved so that I could enter the room. I waited until we were both seated before I began to talk.

"I overheard a bit of your argument with Arthur this morning, about... about not being able to have children. I just... I wanted to make sure you were ok," I whispered, not able to look at her at all. _I mean, it's not the sort of conversation she would have wanted me of all people to overhear!_

"Oh Paige... that's so sweet of you," she cried, now sounding genuinely happy that I had taken the time to see if she was ok. "I am fine Paige really... I mean, I want children... very much so, but if that is not to be, then I will have to work out what my place in the world is. Maybe... maybe my place is to take care of you, to help you become this great leader that you are destined to be..." I gave her a soft smile. Tears were still dripping from her eyes, but at least she was looking on the bright side of things. Right?

"I think I'd be an even greater ruler if I had you to help me," I said. And I was being honest; Gwen had this calm authority about her that Arthur lacked completely... "Not that I really believe this prophecy, after all, I am just a girl. I'm no one,"

"You are your father's daughter Paige. That alone should be enough to tell you that you will be a great leader." I blushed very hard when Gwen said that. My father was a great man, he brought peace to our village after raids and famine ravished it. When he was a knight, he and Arthur had lead them to victory time and time again.

"I still don't believe that I am destined to become this great leader," I admitted with a sad smile. Gwen too, gave me a sad smile.

"These are the prophecy's made by the greatest seer that the world has ever known... they have not ever been wrong, not for over 300 years, I remember when..." However, a knock on the door interrupted her. Whoever it was just came in without waiting for permission. I wasn't sure who the man was, but I recognised him as one of Arthur's knights. "Lancelot," Gwen beamed. The smile however, soon fell when she realised that I was still in the room.

"I will return later," Lancelot said with a bow (not even bothering to acknowledge me!). I stood up, scowling at him the whole time, and moseyed towards the door.

"It's alright, I'll leave. I wanted to go down to my parents graves anyway," I insisted as I slipped out of the room. I heard Gwen call out after me, but she made no attempt to follow. Whatever Lancelot had to say must have been very important... maybe he too, was there to offer his sympathies too her..? Either way, it's very weird...

--

I decided to go and see Merlin after lunch. Arthur was back, and training with his knights, so Merlin must have been back too! I found him in the library, going over and over the same page of the same book, all the while taking extensive notes about what was written.

"Hey Merlin!" I said enthusiastically as soon as I spotted him. I made him jump, which in turn made him groan and jerk his quill across the page. He removed the accidental line with magic though, so all was ok.

"Paige! Hi, what's up?" he asked, turning to smile at me. I didn't answer straight away; I was too lost in his beautiful eyes. "Are you ok?" He asked, suddenly sounding concerned. That made me jump out of the daydream like state I was in.

"Oh, yes, I'm fine!" I said, flashing him my best smile. His own smile dropped a little.

"What do you want Paige, I'm a bit busy right now" he said. He sounded a little annoyed, but still interested in talking to me.

"What are you doing?" I enquired, glancing over his shoulder at the book he was looking t. I recognised it as one of the books he'd brought into my room a few nights before.

"Oh, I'm trying to translate more of the prophecy about you... but the language has changed, this book is in ancient Samarian," he said, waving his hand over the notes he had already taken.

"What does it say?" I asked, glancing at his notes. I couldn't read a word of them; his handwriting was so small and scrawny (but so cute and sweet...).

"Haven't got a clue I'm afraid, I don't know ancient Samarian," he said with a shrug. "So far all I've got is what we already know...but there's more about it, so I better get back to work. Arthur wants this translated as soon as possible," I frowned at him. Couldn't he just use magic? Then he would be free to talk to me!

"Can't you use magic to translate it?" I asked. Merlin gave a small chuckle.

"There is no such spell, pity really; I've been up all night working on this..." I noticed then, the rings around his eyes, his rumbled clothes, his untidy hair. _He had been up all night, trying to work out what a prophecy about me said! Oh he is so sweet, I could just eat him up! _

"Do you have much left to translate?" I asked. Merlin sighed, he sounded annoyed, but I took it as a sign that he was very tired.

"Quite a bit, so if you could just leave me to my work..."

"Can't someone else do...?" Merlin slammed his hand down on the table, making me jump and stop what I was saying.

"Paige! Go! Just go!" His eyes flashed gold as he spoke, and a vase beside me shattered. I screamed as the glass rained down on me, and fled the room without pause for thought. _What had I done that was so bad? Did Merlin hate me now? Oh god, I couldn't stand it if Merlin hated me! _

--

I missed dinner as I was too upset to leave my room. Arthur brought me some up just as it began to get dark.

"I hear you feel out with Merlin," he whispered as he placed the plate on my bedside cabinet. I wiped my eyes and nodded at him. "He'd didn't mean to yell... he's just been up for 2 days straight, trying to work out what this dammed prophecy says," Arthur assured he, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"I thought he might hate me," I whispered, eyes brimming over again. Arthur gave a soft laugh, squeezed my shoulder a little.

"Paige, Merlin doesn't hate you! He thinks the world of you," Arthur promised. My eyes sparkled and I perked right up.

"Really?" I asked, smiling brightly.

"Promise," Arthur said. I beamed even more so, even let out a relieved laugh. There was something about that that Arthur didn't like. Something in his brain must have just clicked at that moment, for he went on to say, "He is much too old for you Paige," the tone of his voice was sad, sympathetic. I widened my eyes, shocked that Arthur had been able to work out my secret so quickly.

"What? I... I... well, what I mean to say is..." Arthur shushed me before I became even more of a babbling idiot that I already was.

"It's ok, your secret dies with me... and Paige, it's completely normal to feel this way about someone, especially someone so much older than you," I blushed.

"You promise you won't tell him," Arthur chuckled and patted my shoulder.

"Of course! I don't know why you're interested in Merlin of all people, he's an inept idiot for one... a handsome one, I'll admit, but still, an idiot..." Arthur said fondly, a smile on his lips.

"He's not an idiot! Nor is he inept!" I cried out, frustrated at Arthur for belittling Merlin so. Arthur chuckled again.

"I admit, the man does have his uses," he said, an odd glimmer in his eye. (Although I think there was more to those words than meets the eye! Well, ear...) "Beside's Paige, the man's heart has already been claimed, best you find a young lad your own age," _Already taken? Well, he's never mentioned it! In fact no one has! And I've never seen him with anyone other than Arthur... weird. Very weird. Maybe it's just this castle? Maybe everything that goes on inside its walls is weird..?_

"He has never mentioned anyone... who is it that has captured his heart? He can't care very much for her, I never see him with anyone but you!" I cried. My words, for some strange reason, flooded Arthur's cheeks with a red blush.

"He likes to keep his personal life... personal..." Arthur said, struggling slightly with his words. _What exactly did he know that he wasn't telling me? Was he lying about Merlin's heart being taken?_

"Come on, at least give me a hint?" I begged. (Then I could work out for myself, who was worthy of Merlin's love... then could aspire to be like them!) Arthur rolled his eyes.

"Drop it Paige," he said, a slight note of warning in his voice.

"But..." I began. But Arthur's patience seemed to run out at that moment, for his eyes bulge out angrily.

"Leave it!" he roared, marching out of my room and slamming my door. What the hell had gotten it to him? _Arse!_ All I wanted to know was the name of the woman that had captured Merlin's heart! Was that so much to ask?

So it didn't take long for Arthur to return to being an arse. It made me think about Gwen's words earlier, and I wondered if they were true, or if Arthur was simply angry. Still, that doesn't explain why everyone seems to be annoyed with me today...

Paige xxx


	9. Day 8 I can't sleep, but I can faint

Dear Diary

After the stupidity of yesterday, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and I turned but I could not sleep. It was so annoying! I felt so overwhelmingly tired but every time I closed my eyes they just shot open again. I lay there for hours I think, just willing myself to sleep. But I couldn't, just could not switch off. It was so frustrating – especially since I knew that Merlin could just utter a few words and I'd be out like a candle! I really did not want to go to Merlin, not after ho w rude he was to me today – not after what Arthur had said. But I relented, if only to get a good night's sleep. I just could not stand the idea of lying in bed all night, desperate to sleep yet remaining wide awake.

He wasn't in the library, the room was dark and empty... but I could see the candle smouldering, so Merlin could not have left the library long before I'd gotten there. I wandered down to his chambers instead. He was in there, or at least, someone was. I could see candle light flickering in the crack at the bottom of the door. So I knocked, and waited. I heard muttering inside, more than one voice... I tried to listen in, but before I could make anything clear, someone walked towards the door. I leapt back just in time to see Merlin open the door, dressed in just his nightwear (Oh dear god...). He gave me a sad smile and closed the door behind him. _Now that was odd. Why close his door? It's not like... But then it occurred to me! He's lady friend must have been in there! I panicked slightly, jumping to the conclusion that Arthur had spilled my secret! But then I remembered what Arthur had said about Merlin keeping his personal life __**personal**__._

"Paige, hey... sweetie it's a bit late isn't it?" he asked, casting a glance back towards his door. I frowned, annoyed that his attention was not completely devoted to me. _After all, I needed his help! Surely his mind should be utterly focussed on me._

"I can't sleep," I muttered with a shy smile. "Can you help? You know, do that spell that Arthur mentioned..?" I asked timidly, almost ashamed to ask him. _I have no idea why... I mean what was wrong with not being able to sleep? _Merlin's smile widened and he seemed to look somewhat relieved. _He probably thought that I was mad at him for yelling at me earlier in the day. But I couldn't stay mad at Merlin, it wasn't his fault... after all, the poor man had been up all night trying to help __**me**__!_

"Of course, you wait right there, I just need to do something," he whispered. I nodded at him, assuming he had to tell his _lady friend_ where he was going. He did indeed, slip back into his chambers, but I was unable to glance in long enough to see anyone. He wasn't in there for long, and I could hear him talking to someone – but that someone didn't respond, so I couldn't listen to their voice to try and identify them. I tried to glance into the room when Merlin slipped out, but he barely opened the door enough for him to get out, so I couldn't see into his room at all._ Dammit! I'll have to find another way to see who his lady friend is._ "Ok, let's go," he said as he shut his door firmly behind him. I frowned at him, noticing in that moment that there was something odd about his night shirt.

"Isn't that Arthurs night shirt?" I asked, recognising it as the shirt Arthur had worn the night I was attacked. _I knew it was the same one because it had red stitching around the hem. Why was Merlin wearing it? Had he stolen it from Arthur or something?_ Merlin's eyes widened slightly as he shook his head.

"No," he said, trying to sound innocent. He gave a soft laugh – the sort of nervous laugh that you give when you don't know what to say. "Why would I have _Arthur's_ night shirt on?" he asked, giving the same nervous laugh again. I shrugged.

"I thought maybe you might have stolen it for a joke or something," I said as if I wasn't bothered. _Despite the fact that I was bothered, very much so! It was so weird. Why on earth would Merlin be wearing Arthur's night shirt? _

"Oh," Merlin said, "Yeah that would be funny," he said, laughing again. _But it was that nervous laugh... what was so bewildering about a conversation about Arthur's (apparent) night shirt._ (_I'm sure it's his night shirt!) _There was a silence between us after that, which lasted all the way to my chambers. It was awkward and very uncomfortable, but I had no idea what to say to him! _What could I say to him? So who is your lady friend? Not the sort of thing I want to ask him really. (It would give way too much away! Very embarrassing!) _

"So do I have to be in bed, or sitting up or what?" I asked when we entered my chambers. _How was I supposed to know? It might make me fall asleep in an instant, or it might make me fall asleep slowly._

"In bed, it will send you straight to sleep," he said, pulling back my covers for me. _I shivered slightly when he did that! _I smiled at Merlin as I slipped between the sheets. I got myself comfortable and closed my eyes. All the while trying not to blush! _After all, Merlin was in my bed chambers with me – while I was in bed! (Although, I'm not exactly sure why I found that so embarrassing... I have no clue what couples do in their bed chambers together... all I know is you share your chambers with your husband or wife! There's nothing embarrassing about that really. Well, unless you caught the other changing.)_

"Ready," I said as soon as I was comfortable. "Night Merlin,"

"Night Paige," Merlin muttered before he whispered a few magical words. As soon as the words were out of his mouth, I could feel the conscious part of me slip away. Right before I feel asleep however, I'm sure I felt Merlin kiss my forehead!

--

This morning was a nightmare, an utter nightmare. I awoke and headed down to breakfast feeling wide awake and full of energy. I was in such a good mood that I couldn't stop smiling. _Which I had nothing to do with, I assure you dear diary, the events of the night before! Honest! _Of course, Arthur had to ruin things for me. He was in a foul mood at breakfast! _Maybe because Gwen was not with us yet again? _

"There is to be an execution today," he informed me as he pushed his food around his plate. He had been silent for a while; I was almost finished with my breakfast. I guessed that the execution was the source of his foul mood.

"Oh? What did they do?" I asked, slightly interested. _I have never seen an execution in my life... in fact, never even heard of one. There was no such this as execution back home. The most severe punishment was banishment – and you had to do something pretty terrible for that to happen._

"He... he murdered his newborn daughter," Arthur whispered, shuddering slightly, obviously disgusted. "His wife had given him 6 daughters to date, but not a son. He wanted a son so much, that he went into a mad rage when his youngest daughter was born, and murdered her before she could even cry out," I found myself shuddering at Arthur's words as well. _I had never heard of such a sick deed being committed! Why was having a son so important to this man? Could he not just accept the children he had already?_

"That's... that's horrible!" I cried out, pushing the breakfast I no longer had an interest in away from me. "I'm glad that he is to die..." I continued. Arthur gave me a small smile as I said this.

"Well I'm glad you think that, for as my ward, it is your duty to attend executions with me," he said, his voice void of any emotion. _What? Execution? As in watch someone die? No! No way! I was not going to attend that, duty be dammed!_

"You cannot expect me to watch someone die!" I yelled, standing up to make my point more serious. For once Arthur did not rise to my bait; he simply sat in his seat, a foul look on his face.

"I do and you will," he said, again his voice void of any emotion. I glared at him. _Although that was completely pointless as he wasn't even looking at me! He simply started down into his food, the same foul expression on his face as before. It was like he didn't care about my thoughts or feelings on the matter! _

"You cannot make me attend such a thing... I refuse to sit back and watch someone die," I raged. Arthur still did not stand, simply glared at me from his seat.

"It is what is expected of you. You will attend willingly or else Merlin will see to it that you attend whether you want to or not," he threatened. He sounded serious this time, and I had to bit my lip in order to stop myself bursting into tears.

"Please don't make me do this..." I begged. Arthur turned his attention back to his food as he shook his head.

"You have to," was all he said. I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I simply fled to my chambers. I had to scream into my pillow just to calm myself down. _There was no way in hell that I was going to attend that execution. I was not going to watch someone die purely for entertainment value! Because that's what execution is – public entertainment, a family event! I locked my chamber doors from the inside, despite knowing that Arthur had the key to my room and could get in no matter what I did. Part of me knew I had no choice in the matter, but a bigger part of me was determined to avoid the event._

--

The knock came no more than an hour later. Arthur, coming to collect me for the execution. (I had seen them setting everything up from my window, seen the hoards of people crowding around the platform trying to get the best view!)

"Paige, it's time to go," he said as he rapped his knuckles against my door. I decided to go willingly, despite my feelings on the matter. _After all, Arthur was going to win in the end. Better get it over and done with rather than draw the whole thing out. _Arthur was dressed in all his finery – crown, chains, cape and all. He looked so much like a king, and so little like Arthur.... it made the whole thing more daunting and terrifying. I shuddered as I saw him. I wish he's dressed like his normal self; it would have calmed me down quite considerably. "Let's go," he said, sweeping at once down the corridor, cape flying out behind him, leaving me to follow.

--

I felt so sick as I stood with Arthur on the balcony that overlooked the square where the execution would take place. So sick that I was shivering, despite feeling quite warm.

"Arthur please!" I begged as he went to address his people. Arthur simply shook his head at me, and then turned his attention to the people in the square below.

"Daniel Kray, you stand here before the people of Camelot, before your King, having been found guilty of the murder of your youngest child. Do you have any last words?" The man in question, who had his hands chained behind his back and was held in place by the executioner, lifted his head to look at Arthur, and uttered four words to his king.

"Take care of them..." he begged, tears in his eyes, nodding towards a young woman surrounded by 6 even younger girls. My hand shot to my mouth so that I could hide the sob that threatened to escape my lips. His wife and his daughters were stood in the crowd! Could Arthur have not executed this man in private? Or at least stopped his family from attending? Could he really allow such young girls to watch their father die? It was not their fault that their father was a cold blooded murderer! As soon as the words were out of his mouth, the man was forced to his knees, and then his head was forced down onto the executioners block. He was shaking the entire time, and his family, his young children; they were crying their eyes out. I could not bear to watch, and tried to turn away. Arthur grabbed me, and held me by my shoulder so that I had to watch.

"You are not going anywhere," he hissed at me. I let out one prolonged sob as he held me there, but otherwise refused to let my emotions get the better of me. I couldn't stop the shaking though, the shaking that took over my entire body as the executioner raised his axe, brought it down without a pause... I tried to close my eyes, but I didn't miss any of it. Not one second... I screamed as the young man's head came loose from his body and fell in the basket at his feet. But once I started, I couldn't stop. I screamed and screamed, those screams turned to sobs, and then I could not stop those either. Those sobs soon became so unmanageable that I simply threw up, empting the contents of my stomach all over the stone floor of the balcony. I wondered why Arthur had not said anything to me, not bothered to comfort me... but when I looked up he was gone. He had just left me there to deal with my pain alone. I became so distressed upon realising this, so wounded, that I fainted. Or at least, I think that's what happened, for I awoke not long ago in Gaius's room. Its dark out, so I must have been out for quite some time, but there is no one here to question! I know I should go and find someone, but I still feel atrocious and standing up makes my head spin so much that I feel as though I am going to be sick again. Even sitting here writing has become too much for my feeble state to take, so I'm going to go and lie down until someone comes to check on me.

Paige...


	10. Night 8 Should I stay or should I go?

Dear Diary

I was alone in Gaius's chambers for ages before someone came and checked on me. _What would have happened if I was dying or something? Who knows how long I'd be dead for before someone bothered to check on me!_

"I'm sorry my dear, I was tending to the executed man's family," Gaius said once he spotted that I was awake. "They were in a severe state of shock; it was terrible to see,"

"I don't know why Arthur let them watch! I don't know how he can let anyone watch such a terrible thing!" I snapped. "Those poor children, having to watch their father die,"

"I know, it's not the most appropriate thing for them to see, but public executions keep the crime rate down, they put fear into people. Years ago, Arthur's grandfather outlawed executions and the crime rate increased tenfold... it wasn't a nice time to be in Camelot," Gaius sounded so grim that I couldn't help but nod. _I understood where he was coming from; the crime rate would increase if execution was no longer a threat! But still, his family! His children! Why punish them as well?_

"He didn't have to let the man's family watch," I said bitterly. Gaius gave me a sad smile as he handed me a strange coloured tonic.

"Drink this dear, it will settle your stomach." He said. I eyed is suspiciously and took a sip. It was ghastly! Gaius chuckled. "You have to drink it all I'm afraid," he said, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "But I do agree with you, the families of those being executed should be banned from the event... I have treated so many wife's, children, even husbands with the after effects of witnessing such a thing – shock, nightmares, nausea, sleeplessness," I nodded, held my nose, and downed the foul liquid Gaius had given me in one. I held the empty glass out to him as I shuddered.

"Argh! Never again!" I scowled. "Why can't he ban me from going to these things? It would save you a lot of time," I asked. Gaius sighed and frowned, pated me on the shoulder.

"If only it was that easy Paige, you are the future Queen... one day, you will be the one ruling over executions, you have to desensitise yourself now, " Gaius said bleakly, a frown on his face. "It's hard, I know, but if you want to be a successful ruler, you have to be able to observe executions without emotion. If you get upset, you'll show a weakness that any enemy can take advantage of,"

"So I have no choice in the matter, I have to execute people to keep the crime rate down, and I have to stay emotionally uninvolved for fear that an enemy will take advantage of that weakness?" _This was getting ridiculous! How is having emotions a weakness? Surely it shows that you are a compassionate and caring leader? _

"My dear we live in a time of hostilities and of war... you cannot show any weakness. Maybe in the future, if peace Arthur is destined to bring is restored, you can express your emotion's, but not now, not when the threat of attack is always so imminent," _Why does everything have to be so complicated? I am really beginning to dread being Queen. But then again, if Arthur is to restore peace, to unite Albion, then maybe it will be something that I don't have to worry about_?

"Okay, so the threat of attack is imminent... but could Arthur have at least taken the time to comfort me? I have never seen an execution before! It was horrible! He is my guardian, he is meant to protect me from such things," I fumed. I felt guilty at once, not meaning to take my anger out on Gaius. He is after all, a frail old man – he doesn't deserve it. However he seemed, either completely oblivious to my anger, or had chosen to ignore it because he smiled at me, gave a small chuckle.

"Arthur has been attending executions since he was a young boy, younger even than you... it has become as routine to him as breathing, so routine is it in fact, that he did not pause to think about your feelings... I'm sure he didn't mean to take no notice of you, he's just so used to watching over an execution, then leaving without a second thought,"

"Well..." I said, struggling slightly to come back with something that defended my point of view on the matter. "He could have at least come to check on me,"

"He did, but you were still unconscious." Gaius chuckled. "Now, you're free to go dear," he said usurping me out of the room. "Arthur is in the banquet hall... I'm sure if you hurry, you can still catch him at dinner," he continued, answering my unasked question. I beamed at him.

"Thank you Gaius," I said planting a kiss on his cheek. He blushed quite considerably as I left the room.

--

_I was still in two minds about what kind of mood I was in with Arthur. On the one hand, I understood the position he was in and knew that he was just doing his job, but still, he was my guardian, he was meant to protect me! Could he not have spared me a single thought? I guess it all depends on what he says to me at dinner..._

He was sitting at the dinner table alone, his food was untouched and he looked quite distressed. For a few seconds, I forgot about my conflicting emotions regarding his treatment off me. _Something was wrong with him._

"Arthur, are you ok?" I asked as I sat down next to him. He jumped as I spoke, apparently so lost in himself that he had not noticed me. Which was odd, as the guards had opened the doors for me. _Rather noisily I might add_! Whatever was wrong must be serious.

"Fine... I'm fine," he whispered as he ran his hands through his hair. "Anyway, I should be asking _you_ that question. Are you okay?" _Ok, so he had spared a thought for me. At least there was that_.

"I'm fine, Gaius gave me something to settle my stomach," I assured Arthur. "It tasted vile!" Arthur laughed at this... it was good to see a smile on his face.

"I remember him giving that to me as a child. I always dreaded feeling ill and tried to hide when I was unwell... nowadays I'd rather feel unwell than drink that horrid concoction." He said with a chuckle. His eyes however, remained sad.

"You didn't answer _my_ question Arthur. Are you okay?" I probed. Arthurs face fell immediately. He reached out patted my hand.

"You're so sweet to me Paige," he said sadly. "I feel incredibly bad about the way I treat you sometimes... but I am at a complete loss as to what to do with you! And I don't mean that in a bad way... not really. It's just, you're a teenage girl and I'm not... you totally bewilder me," I had to laugh at that. I'd never really considered how hard all this must have been on Arthur. He's totally been thrown in at the deep end with me, a teenage girl, a stranger in more ways than one. I felt a new respect for him grow. Still, despite that respect, I knew he was avoiding my question.

"Don't avoid my question Arthur... are you okay?" I persisted. Arthur groaned slightly, rubbed between his eyes.

"There is a small uprising on the northern border, some anti-magic activist's, nothing major..." he sighed. A small uprising? Is that it? _No! There had to more to it than that. If it was 'nothing major' then he wouldn't look so upset._

"And..?" I asked, an eyebrow raised. Arthur chuckled again.

"You're so damn perceptive," he smiled. I frowned at him and he raised his hands in defence. "Okay, okay! There was something in the prophecy about you regarding this uprising. Apparently while I am away you will discover a secret that will potentially bring my downfall... but if you come with me you will be gravely injured... you won't die. But you'll be hurt quite severely..." _Oh. Oh dear. That's not good at all. _

"And am I to stay here, or come with you?" I asked, feeling the colour drain from my face. _Which did I want more? Arthur potential downfall, or to be severely injured? I didn't want either really... but if it had to be one or the other... _

"I am leaving the choice up to you," he said, not looking me in the eye. "As much as I want to make the choice for myself, I know the decision ultimately rests with you," _Me? I had to make the choice? How? How could I make that choice? _

"What do you think I should do?" I asked, hoping for some advice, for there was no way I was going to be able to make this choice without some. Arthur frowned at first, but then gave a small chuckle.

"I want you to stay here... your safety; it means everything to me," Arthur never once broke eye contact with me when he spoke, and I knew his words were honest.

"But if I stay, it will bring about your downfall!" I cried out, leaping to my feet, my voice high and hysterical. Arthur slammed his fist down on the table.

"And if you come with me you will get hurt! Badly hurt! How can you expect me to allow that? To stand aside and let that happen?" Arthur screamed. He didn't look angry, not in anyway. He looked terrified. There were tears in his eyes, he was shaking. It was totally unnerving.

"I don't expect that of you, not at all! But Arthur, you cannot ask me to stand aside and watch you fall!" I retorted. A few of the tears that had accumulated in his eyes spilled over. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no words came. "Arthur..." And then I found myself lost for words too. I was chocked up. There was a tightening around my throat that was as strong as when my parents had died. Before my tears could take me over, Arthur had leapt up from his seat and had pulled me into his arms. I clung to him, my fingers really gripping into his tunic. He held me tight, so tight that I didn't cry at all. He did though... I could feel his tears dripping into my hair.

"I know you'll make the right choice," he whispered, kissing the top of my head. I clung to Arthur even harder... I didn't want him to ever let me go, for when he did, I'd have to make the hardest decision of my life.

--

It is almost dawn now – soon Arthur and a few of his men will be leaving – and I have yet to make my decision. I have been up all night trying to work out what to do! On the one hand, I can stay and I won't get hurt, but Arthur will fall, and his reign will end! And if Arthur's reign ends, I will not be left to rule, for I have yet to be named his heir. Guinevere will rule and who knows how she will cope as the soul ruler? But what if the secret I discover is about her? What if it's something bad and Arthur manages to make me his heir before his downfall? What will I do then – I'll be a queen at 13? And if I go, Arthur's reign will continue, no terrible secret will be revealed but... but I'll be badly injured. Not to the point of death, but who knows how badly! How can I make this decision? How? I know I won't die if I go – probably - but I will be really badly hurt! Who knows how permanent those injuries could be? I don't know what to do! I don't want to make this decision, I want to crawl up in bed and pretend that none of this is happening! I want someone to tell me what to do! But I can't, I have to make this decision and I have to make it now because I can see Arthur, Merlin and a few of his men preparing to leave outside my window. Arthur keeps looking up to my window, and then to the main doors of the castle.

And yet I still don't know what to do...

Paige x


	11. Day 9 So what does Merlin know?

Dear Diary

For A few seconds, maybe a minute, I decided to stay. I decided that whatever the big secret was that I was meant to discover, I would keep quiet about, no matter how terrible it was. I would have to keep it to myself, for Arthur's sake, for Camelot's sake! But then the more I thought about it, the more I realised – I would never be able to keep the secret to myself. Not with Arthur knowing that I know some big secret about him, or concerning his future. I knew that at some point or another, I would tell him, because I would be able to bear looking at him, being with him, not with the weight of the secret pushing down on my shoulders.

So then I decided that I would take every precaution necessary to prevent me finding out the secret. I would stay in my chambers, only coming out for meals... and then... then that's when I gave up on that idea. I would go insane if I was left alone in my chambers all day, but I would not be able to risk leaving them for fear of discovering the secret! And then what if I looked out of my window and discovered the secret? Then staying in my room all day and night would be pointless! And then I'd have to face Arthur, with him knowing that I know some secret about him... Argh! I knew then that I had to go.

I had to run; Arthur, Merlin and his men had mounted their horses just as I came to my decision. I tore through the castle, almost falling down the stairs, and actually falling over three times. _So typical of me._ I was so worried that I wouldn't make it. _I had to make it!_ I didn't give a damn about being injured, not when the alternative was Arthur's downfall, the end of his reign. I called out to Arthur as I neared the castle doors, praying that he would hear me in time to halt his men and wait for me.

"Arthur!" My cried scared the life out of a group of servants, they gave me bemused looks, but I ignored them and carried on. "Arthur, _wait_!" I actually hurt my throat with the severity of my cries. Not that that stopped me. I flung open the door just in time. Arthur and his men were riding towards the gates of Camelot. "Arthur!" Thankfully he heard me, _there was no way I was going to be able to catch up with horses! and_ halted his men.

"Paige," he whispered sadly as he dismounted his horse and walked towards me. "I guess you're coming?" I nodded.

"I'm sorry, but I have to," I said grimly. "I can't let you fall... not now, not ever. So I get injured? I'll recover, right?" Arthur sighed but smiled at little. At least he tried too.

"Your horse is ready and waiting for you," he said gesturing towards the stables.

"You knew I was going to come with you?" I asked, an eyebrow raised. Arthur managed to smile this time, he even gave a small laugh.

"I thought you would, but I wasn't sure... I thought I'd set up your horse though, just in case," Arthurs eyes sparkled slightly as he ruffled my hair. _I was getting used to him doing that... if he decided it was a sign of affection, then so be it. At least it makes __**him**__ happy_. "Your father would be so proud of you. You are so much like him..." _I felt like pointing out that my father wanted me to be a perfect little girl, one that grew up without worrying about sword fighting and invasions. One that grew up and married and had lots of children... but I didn't want to bring Arthur down. I wasn't that mean._

"Are you proud of me?" I asked as we walked towards the stables where my horse, Willow, was indeed saddled up and waiting for me. _Guinevere gave her to me a few days ago. She is so beautiful! A deep brown that is almost red with a silky flowing main. She's got the best temperament too, so calm and collected. You can tempt her to do just about anything as long as you gave her an apple. She's perfect!_ Arthur waited until he'd helped me onto my horse before he answered.

"I'm more proud of you than I could ever say," he said as he walked my horse towards his men.

--

"Sire, your _ward_ is coming with us?" One of his Knights exclaimed as we joined them a minute later. "Have you lost your mind? What help will a _child_ be to us?" Arthur scowled at him.

"Hold your tongue Lionel, you know full well that one day Paige will be Queen and you will be answering to her. If you don't want to be de-knighted hen she comes into power then keep your thoughts to yourself," Arthur cried angrily. "She is coming with us because she needs to learn to handle herself in battle. Such a small uprising is the perfect time to educate her," Arthur's voice shook slightly, but only Merlin and I noticed. I'm sure we're the only ones that know the true reason for my presence at this uprising. Sir Lionel ducked his head in shame as Arthur mounted his horse, but did not bother to give me an apology, or even a remorseful look. "Let's go," Arthur said, riding out in front of everyone else. "Merlin, stay with Paige, keep an eye on her!" he called back to his advisor. I blushed and bit my lip. _Argh, how could he leave me in Merlin's care, knowing how I feel about him! Is he deliberately trying to humiliate me? _Thankfully Merlin seemed to be oblivious to my shame. He just gave me a sad smile as he rode up beside me.

"You decided to come then?" he asked, sounding somewhat disappointed. _Bless him! He didn't want me to come and get myself hurt... _

"I couldn't stand back and watch Arthur fall," I said with a shrug of my shoulders. "Surely you of all people should understand that?"

"Of course I understand that... I have spent twenty odd years risking my life for that man! But you are just 13, I can't believe you would risk your life to prevent his downfall," _Risk my life? What was he on about. Arthur said I'd only be injured, not murdered!_

"I'm not risking my life, not really, Arthur said that I would only be injured... badly so maybe, but not killed," Merlin gave me the strangest look... it was almost guilty.

"Ah. He may have twisted the truth just a little... you will be injured, but your fate regarding this uprising is not known," he said, biting his lip. _Not known? Does that mean that I might... that I might die? Why didn't Arthur warn me about this? Did he think that would scare me or something? Did he think that I was too weak to make a decision that could possibly result in my death_? I scowled, but did not say anything. I was too mad too say anything. "Paige don't be mad... Arthur was just trying to protect you! He knew you'd be scared if you found out that this trip could result in... in..."

"My death? " I cried. "How can I not be mad? He kept that from me! I could die on this trip, and he didn't bother to tell me encase I got scared! Surely death is worse than fear,"

"I know Paige, he did the wrong thing... but he was only doing what he thought was best for you," Merlin pleaded, trying his best to reason with me. I didn't say anything. "If you want me to take you back to Camelot, I will," he continued when the silence got too much for him. I sighed and shook my head. _There was no way I was going back to Camelot. Not now. So I might die... I'd much rather die than stand aside and watch as everything Arthur had built up these last few years fell down around him, slowly destroying him from the inside, out._

"I think I would have come to this decision even if I knew the truth about what the prophecy said... or rather, didn't say," Merlin reached out and patted my shoulder.

"You're a brave girl Paige," he said sadly.

"Maybe..." I said with a shrug off my shoulders. "But then maybe I just care about Arthur. Maybe I don't want anything to happen to him,"

"Told you that you'd grow to love him!" Merlin teased. I rolled my eyes._ I did not love Arthur! Not at all! He's an arrogant Prat, a dim-witted arse and... and... I really care about him. But love? No that was pushing it!_

"Shut up! Unless you want me to tell Arthur that you informed me of the truth about the prophecy!" I cried, laughing. Merlin shut up after that. _At least about my feelings for my guardian._

"So are you not even the least bit curious about this big secret?" he asked a few minutes later. _To be honest, I'd never really thought about what the secret might be. I just couldn't. I knew that if I did, I would want to know what it was, and if I wanted to know what it was, I would have stayed behind... _

"No, not really. I mean yeah, I'd like to know... but really, I'd rather not know and have Arthur remain in power," I said. Merlin simply chuckled.

"Yes I'd much rather keep Arthur as King," he said. "Even if he is a royal Prat," _Agreed! Great minds think alike... we are so meant for one another! If only he knew! Still, he'll realise I am the girl for him, sooner or later... _

"So what do you think the secret could be?" I asked. Merlin stopped laughing almost at once, and paled a little. He gave a shrug of his shoulders but otherwise gave no response to my question. "Come on!" I teased; certain he was just too embarrassed about his theories to reveal them. "Tell me what you think it is! It can't be that bad!" Merlin shrugged again.

"I haven't really thought about it," he whispered, not bothering to meet my eye. _Huh, that's odd... what is he hiding? Does he already know the secret? Or have some idea about what it could be?_ I would have questioned him about it, had it not for the flash of lighting that filled the sky seconds later.

"There's a storm on its way! Dismount and set up camp!" Arthur cried out. _I got a bit distracted after that, and forgot to question Merlin. By the time I remembered, it was dark (the storm never appeared... Arthur said the wind must have changed direction, but I'm sure he was embarrassed about being wrong,) and so I decided that I would leave it. After all, if it's bad enough to result in Arthur's downfall do I really want to know what it is? _

--

After we had dinner, Arthur informed his men that it was almost time for lights out. If it hadn't been for the fact that I was so close to sleep that my head was drooping I would have argued, it had only been dark for an hour! I did get a bit miffed however, when Arthur said we'd be getting up a _dawn_.

"That's way too..." I paused to yawn. "Way too early!" I said as I stretched. Arthur chuckled as he set up our part of camp, which was a bit separate from the others. (Thank god! Sleeping near Arthur was one thing, but sleeping next to half a dozen of his men... argh!)

"Paige you'll be getting twelve hours sleep!" he promised. "Is that not enough for you?" I shook my head, and when he sat down next to me, I curled up against his shoulder.

"I want to sleep forever..." I whispered without thinking. I felt Arthur stiffen at once, and immediately regretted my words. "Ok, so not forever, because that's stupid... but maybe for a day or two," Arthur chuckled and pulled me closer to him.

"I'm sure you'll feel more awake in the morning," he insisted. "Now come on, lie down and go to sleep," he said, nodding towards my makeshift bed.

"Mmm... no... you're warm... I don't wanna move," I whined into his shoulder. Arthur chuckled again, but nodded and pulled the blankets closer to us.

"Alright, just lay down, I won't move from next to you I swear!" He promised. I nodded but didn't say anything, too tired to even open my mouth. I don't remember anything else, I must have fallen asleep.

When I woke up I was alone... well, sort off. Arthur had turned in his sleep and had his back to me. He not only had his back to me, he had his arms wrapped around Merlin as well! He must have moved in his sleep and thought Merlin was me! I can't wait until they wake up and realise what they did in their sleep! I think before they do wake up, I'll go and have a wash in the stream. _I am not washing in front of Arthur, Merlin or his men! Ok, so maybe Merlin..._

Paige xxx


	12. Day 10 Truth Will Out

**_I just want to say that you readers are amazing! I get more and more comments with each chapter and I don't think I ever want to stop writing this. I have so much planned for this story! Todays chapter is extra long and full of revelations as a thank you to you all for taking the time to review!_**

--

Dear Diary

Everything has just gone to hell, it really has! I know Arthurs secret I know it and I wish I didn't. Not only that, but I have, as the prophecy foretold, been quite badly injured. I am in so much pain and I am so scared because Merlin is unconscious and cannot treat me until he awakens. And he's the only one that can. Arthur says he'll take a look at my wound, but I don't want him anywhere near me! Nowhere near me! I hate him, he is a coward and a liar and a cheat! I wish he was dead, I really do!

It all started this morning at the stream. I stripped down to my undergarments, after making sure that I was alone and started to bathe in the stream with a cloth. For a few minutes, all was well. But then I heard it. This rustling... and not the sort you associate with a bit of wind, but the sort you associate with someone walking through the trees. _Someone was watching me. _For a while I simply continued what I was doing, acting as though I hadn't heard a thing. I tried to tell myself that it was a trick of my mind and that it was the wind. I told myself I was being silly, and that I was scared simply because I was alone. For a while that calmed me down, but then the sounds changed. No longer could I hear a rustling... I could hear a grunting, and an odd sort of groaning. It was then that I was certain that I was being watched. I had no idea what to do. If I called for Arthur then the person watching me might attack and kill me before Arthur could even reach me! But then if I stayed still, the person watching me could attack anyway. I decided the safest option I had was to finish washing - still acting like I could hear nothing - then dress and return to Arthur and tell him about the person in the trees. _I don't think I've ever dressed so swiftly!_

Arthur and his men had just risen when I returned to camp, and so I had to tell a half-asleep Arthur about my fears twice before he got what I was saying.

"Arthur! Someone was watching me..." I whispered, not daring to raise my voice to much for fear that someone heard me. Arthur yawned and stretched.

"Hmm? Paige everyone is watching you, it's for your own safety," he mumbled sleepily. He stretched again and then sat up (Merlin was already by the fire! I suspect he awoke first and freaked out. Bless him; it must have been so awful for him, waking up in another man's arms – and Arthurs arms at that!).

"No, Arthur, I went to bathe in the stream before everyone woke up, but someone was watching me... I could hear all sorts of strange noises in the trees around me! Grunts and moans and things like that!" I cried, barely stopping to breath. Suddenly Arthur was on his feet, his sword drawn.

"Where did you bathe?" he asked. I pointed in the direction I'd come from and told him how to get to the place where I'd been. "Wait here," he whispered, stalking off into the trees all alone. I trembled the entire time he was gone, convinced that the person who had been watching me was about to jump up and kill me – despite the fact that all of Arthur's men, and Merlin sat only a few feet away! Luckily Arthur returned only minutes later. Unluckily he looked annoyed and pissed off. "There was no one there Paige!" he yelled at me once he re-entered the camp.

"Someone was watching me! I heard them!" I whimpered, desperate for him to believe me. _I was certain I was being watched! No animal that I know off makes such strange groaning noises._

"Paige there was no one there... unless you are accusing one of my knights of watching you while you bathed?" It wasn't a sympathetic question, it was an enraged accusation._ Arthur did not believe me! _

"No! Yes! Well I don't know! Arthur, please believe me... someone was watching me!" I howled. I was sure the fear I was in must have been apparent on my face, and that, upon seeing this, Arthur would take me seriously. He didn't.

"I believe that you were stupid enough to go and bathe alone, and you got scared by the wind," Arthur threw his sword to the ground and turned his back on me as he began to dress. "You are not to go anywhere on your own again, do you hear me?" he called out to me. I nodded, and meekly agreed, ignoring the tears that had begun to fall from my eyes. "And don't you dare try and accuse my knights of such appalling behaviour ever again," Again I agreed, all the while wishing I could prove to him that someone had been watching me. I don't know if it was one of his men, or if it was a passer-by or what! All I know is that I was being watched while I was in the stream.

--

I didn't mention it again. In fact I didn't mention anything at all. Arthur was oblivious to my imposed silence, being at the head of the group and all, but Merlin picked up on it.

"Is there something wrong Paige? You haven't said a word to me all morning," Merlin questioned that afternoon as we neared the northern borders. I ignored his question, in fact ignored him completely. _That was a hard thing to do! I hated ignoring him, and wanted him to comfort me and believe me but... I was scared he'd react the same way as Arthur. _Instead I focussed on stroking Willow's neck. Merlin waited patiently for an answer for maybe a minute or two before he asked once again. "What's wrong sweetie?" he said. My heart raced a little – _he called me sweetie!_ – and I felt myself blushing. _Oh so typical of me!_

"I'm fine Merlin, really," I assured him, still stroking Willows neck. Merlin sighed, making it obvious that he didn't believe me, but he didn't push it. _In a way I was thankful, I didn't want to talk about what happened and I didn't want for Merlin not to believe me. But all the same, I just wanted someone to believe me! I was being watched at that stream and it terrified me!_

_--_

Arthur stopped us a little over an hour later. He'd found a fresh trail that could well have been left by those organising the uprising. He asked Merlin to do a spell on the trail, a spell that would determine who left it. It had indeed been left by the organisers' of the uprising.

"Alright men! Merlin and I have determined that there are only 5 or 6 members of this uprising, and that they aren't very far away. Dismount and prepare," Arthur called out to his knights, dismounting his horse himself. I too, dismounted my horse, and like the others, tied her to a nearby tree. As I double checked my bindings, Arthur approached me. "Paige, you will be staying here with Merlin and Sir Lionel," he said sternly.

"What? Why?" I questioned, sounding somewhat annoyed._ Although in a way I was relieved, I was terrified at the prospect of going into battle._ Arthur rolled his eyes at me and folded his arms. _Arse._

"After the way you acted this morning, I don't think I can trust you to behave yourself," he stated. "I can't guarantee your safety in the battlefield if you can get spooked by a little wind," he had a stupid little smirk on his face as he said that, and it made me feel so small and untrustworthy. _Why the hell did he not believe that someone was watching me this morning? Why was he being such an arse?_

"Why don't you believe me?" I cried desperately.

"I trust my men; I do not believe any of them capable of doing such a terrible thing,"

"So you don't trust me?" I cried, now offended. Arthur gave another roll of his eyes.

"It's not that I don't trust you, it's that I can't be running around worrying about you as well as myself," _his words this time, were a little nicer, and I believed them to be true, but still, would he act this way if I hadn't gotten scared of the 'wind' this morning? I don't think so!_

"Ok fine, whatever!" I moaned. "But why is Merlin staying with me? Surely you need him," I asked. _The truth was I didn't really want to be left alone with him. I would want to talk to him and that would look stupid after I ignored him all morning. He would probably start to believe there was something wrong with me. _

"This is an anti-magic's uprising, Merlin is a sorcerer. We want to try and reason with these people first. Attacking them is a last resort," Arthur said. _I didn't really believe him to be honest, if they wanted to reason with these people then why bring so many weapons and all the best fighters? Arthur was prepared for attack, and not for reasoning._ "You behave yourself ok? I don't want this prophecy getting fulfilled," I sighed and nodded.

"I'll behave," I promise. Arthur smiled and ruffled my hair. _Argh, I've changed my mind about that then – I hated it and was going to tell him so when... well I was going to tell him at some point._

"Good girl, we shouldn't be long." Arthur said as he departed. _His words further backed up my belief that he was here simply to attack, to eliminate the potential threat before it became exactly that – a threat. _

Five minutes later, Merlin Sir Lionel and I set up camp as Arthur and the rest of his men followed the trail.

That's where things start to get blurry, hazy... I'll try my best to remember as much as possible but I'm drawing a blank for a lot of what happened in the next ten minutes.

Merlin, as usual, put up a magical barrier that would alarm us should anyone (not including Arthur and his men) came within a certain distance of us. Sir Lionel started to build a fire and I took an apple to Willow, my horse.

The fire got going quite quickly, I could smell it and hear it crackling away, so I wasn't surprised when Lionel came up behind me. I assumed he wanted to apologise for his rudeness yesterday morning. But all too soon his presence made me feel uncomfortable, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"I was right you know," he said, leaning against a tree behind me. I ignored him and continued feeding Willow. I really couldn't be bothered with him. "About you coming along... your much more trouble than you're worth,"

"Please leave me alone," I asked politely, turning to look at Lionel. I got the shock of my life however, when I realised he'd moved so that he was right behind me, so close we were almost touching. I shrieked and jumped, but he only laughed.

"Although having you along could have its use's..." he muttered into my ear. As he muttered he placed one hand on my shoulder, another on my hip. I shuddered at the contact, knowing in that instance that something wasn't right.

"Let me go," I demanded, not bothering with being polite. Lionel simply laughed, curled his fingers around my body that little bit tighter.

"And what are you going to do if I don't?" he snickered. I rolled my eyes and gave him a small shove, trying my best to stay calm and collected.

"I'll call for Merlin," I said in a matter of fact tone. "I'm sure he'll teach you a lesson," Again Lionel snickered and I felt a chill run up my spine.

"I promise you, Merlin won't hear your calls... in fact, I don't think he'll be hearing anything for a long time," Before I could even contemplate what Lionel was getting at, he'd grabbed me tight by the shoulders an d ducked down to my level so he could look me straight in the eye. "Look at me girl! Look at me!" I tried to look away, but he simply grabbed my face tight between his fingers and forced my gaze into his. "You will make yourself useful to me and you won't breathe a word of it to anyone, least of all Arthur... but then again, he didn't believe you this morning did he? I was watching you bathe and you knew it, but he refused to believe a thing you said! He doesn't trust you, and he'll never believe you over me! Never!" That's when the screams started. I could hear them, but somehow I was unaware that they were my own. I called for Merlin, again and again, but he didn't appear, didn't even call out to me.

"Let me go!" I pleaded with Lionel, despite knowing that my pleas were futile. Arthur and his men had long since gone and Merlin... I dreaded to think what Lionel must have done to him.

"As you wish," he snarled at me, pushing me to the ground below with as much force as he could muster. I felt an almighty pain in my head, and everything started to spin. I'd hit my head, hard. On what I don't know, but I did know my injury was quite bad – I could feel warm blood oozing down the back of my neck, and suddenly my world wouldn't stop moving, yet when I tried to move, to scream, my body failed to respond.

The next few minutes' are a complete mystery to me. I must have blacked out, for when I awoke my dress (The beautiful red one that Guinevere had made for me) was in tatters all around me, and I was in my undergarments, the bottoms of which had been ripped almost to the point of removal. Arthur had his sword at Lionel's throat – who had no weapon and was on his knee's – and was screaming at him, telling him something. His words were unclear but I knew he must have been talking about what Lionel had done to me. Again I tried to speak, but no words came. So I had to watch as Arthur continued to confront Lionel... had to watch as he slit his throat. I blacked out again after that.

--

When I came too – this time voice and mobility included – Arthur, Merlin and I were alone in a cave. Merlin was unconscious with a large gash on his forehead, and Arthur was tending to a fire.

"Arthur..." I mumbled. Arthur jumped and rushed to my side.

"Paige! Are you okay?" he cried as he felt my forehead. Up close I could see his puffy red eyes, his tear stained cheeks and his fearful expression.

"I hurt..." I mumbled. "My head..." Arthur nodded and at once took of his jacket and slipped it under my head. I felt much better with something soft against my wounds. "What happened...? I just remember... Lionel, pushed me down and then... then nothing..." I muttered. Arthur's eyes widened slightly and he ran his hands through his hair.

"Lionel... Lionel tried to rape you," I felt sick at once, started trembling.

"Tried?" I whispered, confused. Arthur nodded, chewed on his lip.

"My men and I... we got only a few minutes away when I felt this... feeling, there's no other word for it... I knew something was wrong, knew I had to come back. I sent my men on and returned to camp at once. I found Merlin first. Lionel had knocked him out from behind with a large branch. I knew at once that he must have been watching you this morning when you bathed, and that his intentions were to... were to kill or rape you. I could hear a struggle and rushed in the direction of the noise at once. I found... I found Lionel over you. He had a small dagger and had ripped your dress from your body... had moved the blade to your undergarments and was slowly cutting them free from your body. I called out to you...and that's when I realised you were unconscious too. There was blood... there was blood everywhere. Of course Lionel spotted me at that moment and ran at me. We fought and I disarmed him... he begged for his life but... but I slit his throat,"

"You killed your own knight?" I mumbled, shocked by his actions.

"After what he did to you he's lucky he got off so lightly!" Arthur growled. But then his expression softened. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you earlier Paige. I could have prevented this," Arthur started to cry but he furiously wiped his eyes in hope that I would not see.

"Even if you believed me... how would you have known that Lionel was the one to blame," I whispered, desperate to reassure Arthur. He nodded but did not say a word. "Where are your men?" I asked.

"Dead... they managed to kill those responsible for the uprising but... they were all fatally wounded in doing so," I struggled to think of something to say to Arthur – he looked so broken and lost – but failed to come up with anything. Instead, my mind was filled with the memory of Arthur killing Lionel... but this time, I could hear what was being said.

"_How dare you lay you're hands on her! How dare you! She's just a child,"_

"_She begged for it Arthur... she's a promiscuous little thing," Lionel laughed, despite the blade at his throat. _

"_She's unconscious; she's bleeding from her head! You threw her to the ground and tore her clothes from her body!" _

"_What can I say, she likes it rough," Lionel started chocking almost at once – Arthur had pressed his blade right against the skin._

"_How dare you talk about my daughter like that!" Lionel laughed._

"_Your daughter? I think you've got a bid wrong in the head Sire, she's your ward not your daughter," _

"_So we'd have you all believe! Leon married his wife when she was expecting, the child was not his! The woman in question was the daughter of one of my father's best friends... I slept with her after a lot of drink at a royal banquet. A month later she found out she was with child." _

"_I'm sure Paige would love to know that!"_

"_I assure you, you won't be the one to tell her..." And then Arthur slit his throat. _

"Paige? Paige are you okay?" Arthur cried frantically, snapping me back to reality. I rubbed my eyes, and nodded at him. But then his words hit me... _he was my father_.

"Get away from me!" I screamed. Arthur looked shocked, bemused.

"Paige?" he whispered, reaching out to place a comforting hand on my shoulder. I backed away at once, despite the fact it made me dizzy.

"Don't touch me... don't!" I cried. "I heard what you said... what you said before you killed Lionel!" Arthur froze, his face paled. "Is it true?" I demanded. Arthur neither said, nor did anything. "Are you my father?" I screamed.

"Yes..." he whispered. "But Paige you have to –" I cut him off.

"No! No don't you dare! Just stay away from me! You liar, you coward!" I cried, backing right up into the corner of the cave. Arthur simply nodded at me and returned to his place by the fire. He's tried to talk to me a few times, and he hasn't stopped crying, but I don't care. I don't care at all! I hate him, I want him dead!

Paige.


	13. Day 11 Paige's beginning, Arthurs end?

Dear Diary

My head is such a mess at the moment – and that's without the injuries! Arthur has been talking to me, or rather at me since I pretended I wasn't listening, and so has Merlin (_Thank god he's ok! He woke up this morning_!). They have both given me a lot to think about and now I don't know where I'm at with the whole thing! I'm beginning to think that maybe Arthur's not as guilty as I made him out to be. But then I think, of course Arthur, _and Merlin for that matter_, are going to place the blame elsewhere! This is the secret that will cause Arthur's downfall. _Why can't life just be simple?_

Last night Arthur brought me some food and water (since I couldn't really move to get some myself) and took the opportunity to try and talk to me again. I listened then, if only because I was eating. _Hey! I was starved and weak. I needed to eat, Arthur Pendragon be damned!_

"I know you don't want to hear this Paige but I had good reason for lying to you, for staying out of your life until recently," he paused to see if I was going to reply. When I didn't, he continued on. "Paige I was 21 when you were conceived, 22 when you were born... I was much too young to have any concept of what I was doing..." he paused again. A sneaky glance at his expression told me he was trying desperately to think of the right thing to say. _For just a second, a split second, I pitied him. I imagined being 21, the newly crowned prince of Camelot, finding out that I'd impregnated my father's best friend's daughter! That pity soon went away however, when I remembered that he'd lied to me, that he hadn't bothered to have any input in my life until now, when I was thrust into his care without warning._ "I've always thought about you... always," Arthur continued placing a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. _Being in his thoughts is a lot different to being in his life!_ Arthur however was persistent. "Not a day has gone by that I have not regretted making the choice's I made about you," _What choices? He didn't mention any choices! Arse! I wish he'd just shut up._

"I want to go to sleep..." I muttered, not looking at him, keeping my voice so low that he almost didn't hear me. However hear me he did, and he started babbling concerns for my health. _Like he cares!_

"Do you feel ok? Are you light headed? Maybe you shouldn't sleep with such a severe head – "

"I want to go to sleep," I repeated, same tone, same volume, still not looking at him. Arthur this time, got the message and nodded.

"I'll be awake all night, should you need me..." he whispered, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder once again. I lay down before his hand could get close, and it just hovered there, midair, as he debated what to do. In the end he drew it back, thinking better of trying to comfort me.

"I love you Paige, remember that..." he whispered, draping a blanket over me. _ If I hadn't been so far from the fire that I was shivering constantly, I would have pushed it off. But I was so very cold, and the blanket was thick and warm._ I felt Arthur's presence by my side for a long while. I guessed he was watching over me, making sure I didn't die or suffer a loss of consciousness or something. _ It made me question again, why he lied to me. Why he wasn't involved in my life. It seemed like he cared about me, loved me even, but where was he before now? And why all the lies and deceit?_ I didn't drop off for a long time, hour's maybe, but I let Arthur think that I had. He didn't leave my side at all. I could hear him gently weeping the entire time. I felt a few pangs of guilt at first, but it's his own damn fault at the end of the day!

--

When I awoke, it was not Arthur by my side, it was Merlin. He looked a little white, frail, but other than that he looked fine. The gash on his head had literally magically been healed to the point of it being just a thin white line just about his eyebrow. I looked around the cave, but could not see Arthur at all. _I wasn't too bothered about him leaving to be honest. He could go fall off a cliff for all I care! _

"Good morning Paige," he beamed at me upon realising that I was awake. "How are you? How's your head?"

"It's throbbing..." I admitted, squinting in pain at I sat up. I placed a hand on the back of my head without thinking; winched at the pain and brought it away at once. It was caked in blood, both fresh and dried. "But other than that, I'm fine. If a little light headed," Merlin gave me a sympathetic smile.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't treat you until you awoke," he admitted. "And I didn't want to wake you... after all that happened yesterday; I think you deserved a little sleep,"

"Did Arthur tell you about...?"I questioned, desperately wishing that Merlin did not the horrors of what happened the day before. _The whole thing made me feel dirty, tainted... and that's without what Lionel did to me. _

"He told me everything Paige," Merlin muttered dismally. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you... Lionel caught me by surprise and knocked me out before I could think! I had no reason not to trust him; I thought you would be safe with him," Merlin didn't look at me at all while he was speaking, he simply examined my wounds, but I could hear the shame, the loathing in his voice. _It shocked me to my very core. Merlin was normally so calm and placid around me._

"You weren't to know," I assured Merlin, desperate to make him feel better. After all, none of this was his fault. Merlin didn't speak to me at first, simply started mumbling his words of magic. After a few seconds all the pain in my head was gone, and I knew in an instance I was healed.

"I can't do anything about you being light headed I'm afraid... that's down to blood loss. But once you've eaten again I'm sure you'll feel better. And you'll have to wash the blood out of your hair too..." I put my hand on the back of my head again, and felt no pain... only a scar. Even the blood in my hair had dried. "Come on, I'll take you to the stream so that you can wash," he continued, leaping to his feet. He held out his hand to me and I allowed him to help me to mine. _For once I didn't feel embarrassed and weird about him touching me... I guessed it was the shock or something. _

"Where's Arthur?" I asked, glancing around the cave again to confirm that he wasn't there. He wasn't. _I was glad, I didn't want to look at him, didn't want to talk to him, or even be around him. Not after everything that he did – or rather didn't do – to me. _Merlin frowned and gave a small shrug of his shoulders.

"I don't know... after I awoke and healed myself, he asked me to watch over you, and then he walked out," Merlin sounded annoyed but Arthur's actions, and a little hurt. _I could understand that completely. Poor Merlin awoke, after having been unconscious for over a day, only to be told that he'd can't rest or recuperate because he has to look after his best friends... ward? Daughter? Argh, I don't know what to think anymore. _

_--_

"Did you know... about me and Arthur?" I asked as I started to wring out my clean, but soaked hair. "Before now I mean," I continued when Merlin didn't answer straight away. He sighed and nodded, ran his hands through his hair.

"Yes, I've always known... Paige I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I swore a sacred oath," Merlin admitted. _See that I could understand! He swore never to tell, on pain of death, torture or even eternal damnation! What was Arthur's excuse?_

"Did Arthur?" I asked. Merlin shook his head. "Then why did he keep this from me? Why wasn't he in my life before now?" I raged. _See I was right! Arthur had no excuse, none at all! He swore no oath. He knew of my existence... where the hell had he been up until now? _

"Paige it's all very complicated... he had good reason to stay out of your life, to lie to you," Merlin insisted, pleading with me to understand. I sighed and sat down next to Merlin, who was sitting down on a fallen tree next to the stream. I decided that, since it was Merlin talking and not Arthur, I would listen to what he had to say about all of this.

"So enlighten me," I asked. Merlin gave me a weak smile and nodded. _He seemed pleased that I was giving him a chance to tell Arthurs side of the story._

"This all started at a royal banquet that Uther Pendragon threw. I can't remember what it was for... a knighthood I think. Anyway, Arthur had been treated by Gaius for a battle wound earlier in the day and was already quite intoxicated by the remedy he'd been given. Then he started on the wine, and... he was just so inebriated he had no control over his actions," I raised an eyebrow at Merlin and huffed. _Excuses! If Arthur had no control over his actions then how in the hell did he managed to sleep with my mother? _

"That's no excuse for what he did," I said. Merlin nodded at me, sighed again.

"I know Paige, but you have to let me finish if you want to understand," he said, slightly annoyed.

"Fine, continue," I said, nodding to tell him it was ok to go on.

"Your mother, as you probably know, had been pretty much locked away by her father until the day he died. The banquet in question was one of the first times she'd been out since his death; she was 28 and had no idea how to act in a social situation. She coped by drinking and drinking... I would know, I was one of the servants on call with a bottle of wine that night. I'm not really sure what happened that night, but from what Arthur told me, he went to bed and your mother got lost in the castle, ended up in his room..."

"Yeah that's what he'd have you believe," I laughed._ I did not believe for a second that my mother would 'accidently' find her way into Arthur's room. _

"I found them the next morning Paige," Merlin insisted. I rolled my eyes, still not believing a word Merlin said. _Not when it was about Arthur._

"He probably dragged her in there!" I retorted, folding my arms in annoyance. Merlin laughed and gave me the strangest of smiles.

"I assure you, that Arthur would have done no such thing," he promised. There was something about the tone of Merlin's voice, the way his eyes glittered that made me think there was more to the story than he was letting on.

"Did he have a mistress?" I asked. _Now that I would believe. I'm sure that Arthur had a whole string of mistress's in his youth. Maybe he still had..._

"Yes, well... sort of. He was very much in love with someone. When he realised he'd betrayed them, he... he grovelled for weeks, months, especially when he found out about you," Merlin paused, and again got the strangest look on his face...

"Did you know this girl then?" I asked, curious now. "Was it Gwen?" Merlin shook his head.

"No, it wasn't Gwen. And yes, you could say I knew Arthurs lover... " Merlin gave a soft, warm smile and a small chuckle. "Yes, I knew his lover quite well,"

"Did she forgive him?" I asked, interrupting Merlin before he could get all nostalgic. Merlin jumped, seemingly having forgotten about our conversation.

"Yes... his lover forgave him," Merlin said with a nod of his head. "Anyway, we've gone off topic a bit," _I was sure that Merlin was changing the subject back intentionally. There was something he wasn't telling me. But what?_ "Yes, so I walked in on them the next morning, they were both asleep and um... bare. I helped sneak your mother back to her chambers. We thought that it would be all over and done with after that, and for a month or so, all was well. But a month later, your mother returned. She came to Arthur and confessed that she was expecting. Arthur was shocked, but pleased. He was really looking forward to being a father." _Yeah, I'm sure!_ "However we had to come up with a plan. The plan was that we would move her to a remote village and say that the father of her unborn baby had died. But before everything was set in stone, your mother met Leon,"

"_My father!" _I snapped. _Leon was my father, no matter what Arthur might say. As far as I was concerned my father was the man who raised me, not the man who made me._

"Yes, you're right. He was your father, I'm sorry," Merlin acknowledged, holding his hands up in defence. "He raised you; he treated you as his own,"

"I was his! Arthur is not my father, not to me," I insisted. Merlin ignored me, and continued with his story.

"Your _parents_," Merlin said, with emphasis on the word 'parents'. "Fell madly in love. Leon knew about the baby, about you, but he understood, said it didn't matter. So we changed our plan. Leon and your mother married, and they would pose as the happy family in the same remote village we'd picked before. It would work out well, as Arthur had to let Leon go around that time. He had some permanent, irreversible injuries and was struggling with his duties as a knight. Arthur would visit whenever he could, and would be named godfather, giving him a valid reason to visit,"

"Ok, that I can believe... but he never visited me, not once!" _And he hadn't! I'd never meet Arthur before the day my parents died._

"He did at first Paige, I was with him. He was there the day you were born, and when he held you in his arms... I've never seen love like it! He wouldn't put you down! You slept in his arms and he didn't take his eyes off you once, didn't stop smiling... your mother had to drag you out of his arms to feed you. He named you as well... Paige was the name of the nurse that looked after him when he was a young child. He was so upset when she died, he apparently, adored her. So he named you after her. And leaving you each time... it broke his heart. He would get sulky and silent the whole journey back to Camelot. But when we were on our way to you... well, he couldn't move fast enough! The whole thing was perfect, Arthur knew you were being taken care of and didn't have to worry about you while he went about his daily duties. And Leon and your mother could be a normal family most of the time. But then Uther got wind of it all..." Merlin paused to wipe his eyes. _I was unsure as to whether I believed his story or not. There was something about the way Merlin spoke, the nostalgic look in his eyes, which made his story sound believable. But at the same time... I just did not want to believe that Arthur wanted me at all._

"If Arthur wanted to do something, he did it, Uther be damned!" I shrieked. _My father, at least the man I consider to be my father, told me endless tales of young Prince Arthur – the man who would defy his father, the king, to save a lowly servant. _

"Uther told Arthur that he couldn't see you anymore, but Arthur didn't listen. Uther was furious; he did everything in his power to stop Arthur. But nothing stopped Arthur visiting you. In the end, just after your 3rd birthday, he kidnapped you and your family in the night, and moved them to the village that you grew up in. Everyone who knew was either sworn to secrecy, or murdered. Arthur tried to find you, but just couldn't... It killed him, it really did. I remember... I remember that he wouldn't eat for days, wouldn't speak... wouldn't get out of bed. It was awful to see. He was dying inside and no one could do anything for him." _Arthur Pendragon, refusing to eat? I'll believe that then I see it! That man doesn't miss a meal for anyone. But then why was Merlin crying? Why did he look so upset?_

"What about when Uther died, surely he could have found me then," _Surely if Arthur cared about me, he would have never given up the search. If he really cared, he wouldn't have stopped till he found me. Right? But then again, after a while, the endless futile searching must have become too much for him... _

"He did! He talked to Uther's trusted advisors, and found out where you were. He visited but... you were 11, grown up and settled. He didn't want to disturb that." _Now that is a lie, I never meet him when I was I was back to being hesitant again. _

"I don't remember him visiting," I said, an eyebrow raised.

"He arrived in the middle of the night, and left as soon as he realised he no longer had a place in your life. He made your parents promise that should anything ever happen to them, they'd make sure you went to him. And then he just threw himself into being King, threw himself into his marriage to Gwen. He tried not to think about you, tried to move on. But they your parents were attacked! He didn't know how to feel, on the one hand, you were back in his life but on the other, his friends were dying. Paige I assure you, he loves you, and all he's every wanted out of life is you! All of this... it's killing him," _I was in tears by this point. As much as I hated to admit it, I believed Merlin. I believed every word he said. But there was still one more thing I wanted to clear up. _

"Then why didn't he say anything to me? Why did no one tell me anything?" I wept, desperate to understand why everyone had lied to me.

"What right after your parents had died? Don't you think that's a bit insensitive... he wanted to wait until he thought you were ready to deal with the truth. Paige he loves you so much, he never wanted to hurt you," Merlin was crying too. _I found myself clinging to him, partly to comfort myself, partly to comfort me. I was so lost in emotion that I couldn't make sense of it all._

"But he did hurt me," I insisted.

"Yes I know... Paige you have to give him the benefit of the doubt, it's not like he knew you were conscious," _No, he didn't... I decided then and there that I wanted to talk to Arthur about everything. I wanted to clear things up, and see if his story was the same as Merlin's._

"I want to talk to him; do you know where he is?" I asked Merlin, wiping my eyes. Merlin shook his head.

"No, you know I don't. He just walked out. Come on, we'll look for him," he said, standing up.

We returned to the cave and started searching for Arthur at once, but we couldn't find him. Not even a trail... it's getting dark now and Merlin is freaking out. I hate to admit it, but I'm worried too._ Where is Arthur? Is he ok..? What if he fell down and hurt himself so badly that he could not get up again? What if he was attacked and killed? It would be all my fault, I was the one who drove him away..! _

Paige xx


	14. Day 12 Warm the heart, cool the sting

Dear Diary

Arthur wasn't here when we woke up, so Merlin caved and used a locator spell. He said he would have done it before, but the spell could have been detected by any other magic user, who could have then located Arthur themselves and... well it doesn't bear thinking about. Arthur may have lifted the ban on magic, but there were still a lot of vengeance seeking sorcerers out there, hell bent on bringing down the Pendragon line.

Arthur apparently wasn't too far away, by a lake near the mountains. _To be honest that pissed me off just a little. Merlin and I had been worried sick and the whole time he is just a 10 minute ride away._ We set off at once, deciding to go on foot as we would more likely be able to surprise Arthur. If he could hear us coming, I'm sure he'd hide.

"He is alive isn't he?" I asked, hoping that Merlin would be able to give me an answer._ I didn't like the idea of finding Arthur dead... it would live with me forever because it would be all my fault! _Merlin smiled at me, nodded.

"Of course. The spell... it doesn't locate dead people," he promised. "I wouldn't worry too much about Arthur, he may be a Prat at times, but, as he says, he's been 'trained to kill since birth'" _That reassured me a little, even made me smile. Arthur loves to tell people that he has been trained to kill since birth. Although that's a lie really, he didn't pick up a sword for the first time until he was 5... Still, Merlin's words reminded me that Arthur fights like he has been trained since birth. _

"He does like to remind everyone of that," I chuckled. _For a while we walked along in silence, which probably wasn't a good thing because it left me free to think. I thought about Merlin's story, and wondered if he and Arthur had come up with it while I was asleep. The more I thought about it, the more I could think of reasons to doubt the story. For one thing I looked like the man I had called father for 13 years._ "I don't know if I want to talk to Arthur anymore," I admitted after a few minutes of silence. Merlin stopped at once and turned to face me.

"Why? What's wrong?" he asked, concern dripping from every word.

"I just have this horrible feeling that you and Arthur cooked up this story about why he was never in my life while I was asleep or something... " I admitted._ I expected Merlin to laugh, or maybe even get a little angry. Instead he put a comforting hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic smile. _

"I understand, it's a lot for you to take in all at once. I would be questioning it all too if I were you,"_ That made me feel a lot better. I was worried that I was being paranoid and stupid... or at least that Merlin would think that I was being that way. _"If you want, I will go and talk to Arthur about everything, but I'll take you along and 'cloak' you," _What the hell did that mean? Was he going to hide me in his cloak? That really wouldn't work_! I must have looked confused because Merlin laughed and explained himself. "It means a long as you retain physical contact with me; you'll be invisible to Arthur. I'll talk to him about all this, and you'll get an honest answer from him because he won't know you're there," _Now that sounds like a plan! That's just so typical of Merlin; he's so smart and always thinking of others, never himself..._

"Ok, I'll do that. You promise you won't warn him first?" I asked. _I was worried that he could somehow warn Arthur that I would be there so they could continue with their little tale! But I trusted Merlin, and believed that if he promised me that he wouldn't contact Arthur (somehow) then he wouldn't._

"I couldn't even if I wanted too. The only way to communicate with someone else telepathically is if they too, have magic's," Merlin paused and looked around, before closing his eyes and concentrating very hard for a few seconds. "We're almost there... come here and let me cloak you, remember you must retain physical contact for the spell to work, so take my hand," I blushed and grasped Merlin's hand tight as he began muttering. A second later a weird sensation swept through me, like I'd fallen from a great height. I guessed right that the presence of that feeling was the spell taking effect.

--

Arthur was just sitting there, staring out over the lake. He looked as though he hadn't slept at all. A look that was only intensified by the fact that he'd obviously been crying for quite a while. I clung to Merlin harder as we approached, sure that Arthur would see me, despite the fact that I knew he wouldn't. Merlin returned the pressure with a small squeeze of his fingers, but then let them go loose. _I wasn't offended, not in any way... he would look stupid and suspicious if he stood there holding hands with no one._ Arthur must have heard us approaching, for the second we emerged from the tree's he spun round, eyes surveying the area quickly.

"Paige?" he called out, despite the fact that he couldn't see me.

"It's just me Arthur," Merlin replied, giving Arthur a concerned look. "I'm sorry," Arthur just nodded sadly, and sat down again, turning at the same time to look out over the lake.

"Is she ok?" he asked. Merlin nodded, despite the fact that Arthur could not see him.

"Sleeping," he lied. "But don't worry, I've put a spell up around the cave that will protect her from anyone who passes by," Arthur nodded again, and for a long while there was a strained silence between them. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and I began to wonder if Merlin and Arthur would talk at all, let alone have a conversation about me. Eventually however, Arthur spoke.

"She hates me, doesn't she?" he asked, his voice cracking several times. _He sounded as if someone was strangling him. The sound tore straight through me. _

"I think so," Merlin admitted. Arthur turned round to face Merlin once again, and I was shocked when I saw that his features were distressed and heartbroken. Not angry, like I'd expected them to be.

"I just want to change things!" he cried. "I want to go back to when she was born and insist that her mother and Leon stay in Camelot! I want to go back and hold a sword to my father's throat and demand that he tell me where he'd taken her! I want to go back and tell her the truth from the very start! I... I... I just want to make everything right," _I wanted to run to Arthur at this point, wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him that everything was ok, and that I forgave him._ Merlin spoke before I could work up the courage to do so.

"Things will get better, I promise," he insisted. "You can fix things, I'm sure... Look Arthur, Paige is a teenager, this is a lot for her to process all at once. Imagine how she must be feeling right now. Just give her time," Arthur gave an odd sort of laugh that wasn't in the least bit cheerful, and shook his head.

"No... No! Merlin, I can't! It's too late. My life is ruined. I almost feel as though it's not worth living anymore," Merlin almost let me go as he stepped forward in shock.

"Arthur, how can you think in such a way?" he demanded. Arthur gave his weird laugh again.

"My daughter hates me Merlin! She's wishes I were dead... isn't that enough to make me think that way?" he sobbed, voice and body trembling.

"Arthur she doesn't-" Merlin began. But Arthur interrupted him. He'd flown into a terrible rage and was screaming at his advisor. I backed off a little, slightly scared. Merlin too, moved back. If only to keep physical contact between us.

"You know this is all my father's fault," Arthur yelled, leaping to his feet. "He just couldn't let me be happy! Everything I did when he was alive I had to do for the future of Camelot, never myself! Not once. And look where that's got me!"

"Arthur, he was only doing his best by you, just like you're doing for Paige," Merlin pleaded, hoping to calm his king down. His words however, had the opposite effect.

"How dare you compare me to that man! I am nothing like him! He was a heartless bastard, a coward and an idiot! I am nothing like him, nothing!" Arthur raged, seemingly disgusted by Merlin's comparison of him and his father. "My life was pretty much perfect before he came along and ruined it! He took everything away from me that day! My little girl, my friends, my sense of freedom and my free will! And the worst part is, despite having my daughter back, I'm still reminded of what he did every time I look at her," _What? How rude of him! Does he mean that he cannot stand to look at me or something? That I remind him of bad things?_

"Arthur we had to do that and you know it! It was our only hope of convincing Uther that Paige was Leon's daughter," Merlin said desperately. _I could tell he wanted to go to Arthur, to comfort and hold him. But I wouldn't let him. I wanted to know what the hell they were talking about._

"But now she doesn't look like me. She's the spitting image of Leon! Before that she looked just like me, she had my eyes, my hair... I took such pride in that. Just one look at her confirmed that she was mine! My little girl..." Arthur's voice broke again, and he went from being angry, to being tearful and upset once more. _I was still at a loss as to what the hell they were on about. How the hell did I go from looking like Arthur to looking like Leon?_

"Arthur we had to use magic to make Paige look like Leon and you know it... it was the only chance we had of convincing Uther that she was Leon's daughter and not yours," _Wow, that explains a lot actually. Everyone has always told me that I look so much like my father – Leon – so I did wonder how I could be Arthur's daughter when I looked so much like the man who raised me._

"I want her to look like me again... Maybe if she looks like me, she'll accept that I'm her father and start to care for me," Arthur whispered wistfully. _Strangely_ _I was overcome with the urge to look like Arthur as well. To have big blue eyes and straight, sandy blond hair. Maybe then I'd find myself attractive. I hated the curly brown-ginger hair I'd grown up with, the dark grey eyes that gave me a cold, uncaring appearance._ Merlin beamed.

"The spell will reverse itself now that she's in your care... it will do it slowly, suggesting that the changes are natural, not magical..." Arthur gave Merlin a startled yet pleased grin. _My heart started racing too! I was going to look like Arthur? I was going to grow to be attractive, and not remain the ugly duckling that I'd always believed myself to be?_

"So... she'll look like me again?" Arthur whispered, barely daring to believe his own words. _I too, waited for Merlin's answer with baited breath. _

"In a few weeks time, the spell will have completely reversed itself," Merlin promised. Arthur's grin widened, and he gave a small chuckle of happiness. The happiness however, was short-lived. He seemed to realise something, and his face fell in a second.

"She wouldn't want to look like me, she hate's me." He murmured; all hope and happiness gone from his voice.

"I'm sure that's not true" Merlin maintained. "Arthur..."

"I want you to do something for me Merlin, I want you to swear to me that you'll do as I ask, no matter how bad it may seem," _Arthur's words sickened me at once. Whatever he was going to ask Merlin had to be bad, else he won't have made him promise._

"Arthur whatever you're asking me to do, I'll promise you now that I won't do it," Merlin informed Arthur. I felt a little calmer, yet I was sure that Arthur would be able to convince Merlin one way or the other.

"Merlin, I am you King, you will do as I tell you," Merlin stiffened slightly, knowing a direct order from his king was something he couldn't really ignore. I too stiffened, in fear of what Arthur may ask Merlin to do.

"Arthur, please..."

"If you care about me at all, you will promise me!" Arthur cried desperately. And before I could stop him, Merlin nodded.

"I promise..." he whispered, so quietly that I hoped that Arthur had not heard him. He had.

"Good. Merlin I want you to bring Leon back... for Paige," _What? Was he serious? Bring back my father? But... didn't someone have to die in his place, to restore the natural balance between life and death? _

"Arthur, no! You know the price that has to be paid!" Merlin pleaded. "You cannot ask me to risk another man's life in order to bring back Leon,"

"But I can ask you to risk my life..." Arthur said. "You have said yourself that you think you understand the powers that control life and death! That, while you cannot stop one life being taken in exchange for another, you can control who is taken!" _Oh god no! He couldn't really be suggesting what I think he's suggesting._

"Arthur, you cannot ask me to kill you!" Merlin sobbed, tears streaming from his eyes, almost blinding him.

"You have to do it Merlin. I want Paige to be happy, and the only way she can be is if she has her true father again. She can never be happy with me!" _And in that second, everything changed. I realised that Arthur was willing to give up everything, just to make me happy. Even if it meant ending his life. I saw in that moment, that the thing Arthur cared about most in the world was me. Suddenly I no longer cared that he lied to me, that he hadn't been in my life. I understood completely, exactly how hard things must have been for him._ Before Merlin had a chance to reply, I'd let go of his hand and launched myself at Arthur. I caught him by such surprise, that the impact of my body on his almost sent him flying. At first he remained still – shocked and bewildered by my sudden appearance and uncharacteristic behaviour, but after a second he wrapped his arms around me too.

"Don't... please don't!" I choked out between sobs. "I forgive you! I don't want you to die... please just stay with me..." I begged. Arthur tightened his grip on me as I felt his body become conquered with sobs of relief and happiness. So intense where his sobs and mine, that we sunk to our knee's, still clinging to one another.

"I love you Paige..." Arthur whispered, kissing my tear stained cheek.

"I love you too..." I whispered. _I couldn't go as far as calling him father; it was still too soon for that. But I could admit to myself and to him that I loved him, because I did and I knew finally, that he loved me too. _

-

Merlin explained, and apologised for the cloaking spell as we walked back to the cave. Arthur was so happy, so elated, that he forgave Merlin's dishonesty at once. _Although, I'm sure he wouldn't have gotten mad at him anyway... _

Later that night, as Merlin lay asleep by the fire, Arthur made me a promise.

"I'm never going to lie to you again Paige, never again..." he promised. "I can't stand what my lies did to you! I never want to put you through that again. From now on, totally honesty, ok?" I smiled and nodded.

"Ok," I agreed. Arthur beamed and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulled me closer so that I was leaning against him.

"On that note, there is something very important that I have to talk to you about... you need to know about it, because if you found out... I think maybe you'd be very upset," _What the hell was he on about? Another secret? God only knows what that could be! _

"I'm sure it's not that bad!" I insisted. Arthur chewed his lip a little, sighed.

"I guess that's for you to decide," he said. "But it will have to wait until morning... it involves Merlin you see and... I can't tell you without him," _Merlin? What on earth could he be on about? Is he going to tell me that Merlin is actually my uncle or something peculiar like that? _

"Um... ok..." I said, totally bemused. Arthur gave me an odd sort of smile.

"Good, now come on, get some sleep... we have a long journey ahead of us in the morning," he said, kissing my forehead.

"Do we have to get up at dawn?" I whined. _I __**hate**__ getting up at dawn._

"Afraid so," he said sadly. "Now come on, time to sleep," I yawned and nodded, laid down on his folded up jacket. "Goodnight Paige," he whispered, wrapping a blanket round me.

"Night Arthur," I replied, drifting off almost at once.

Now it is almost dawn and cannot get back to sleep! I'm too anxious about what Arthur has to say to me! _What if it's something horrible, like murder? Or even worse? Oh I wish they'd hurry up and awaken..._

Paige xxxx


	15. Day 13 Honesty needs no disguise

Dear Diary

I have been saying for weeks now that something weird is going on, and now at last I have figured it out! Ok, so Arthur and Merlin told me something that made most of the odd goings on in the castle add up... Argh! At first I was shocked, then disgusted, then confused, then still confused! _I swear my life is just some unpredictable fable gone wrong. _

It all started this morning when Merlin and Arthur woke up just before dawn. I knew they had something important to tell me, and I had worked myself into a state in the effort to try and figure out exactly what they were going to tell me. _In the end I came to the conclusion that they were going to tell me something about the prophecy that involved both of them... like maybe Merlin would be the man that was to bring Arthur down one day and I in turn, would kill him! The whole thing horrified me! How could Merlin possibly kill his King... how could I possibly kill Merlin? But the whole thing made sense, especially when I remembered what Arthur had said the first time the prophecy was mentioned,_ _'It says you will battle with unrivalled bravery and daring, and that you will bring down the man that ends my life... not that Merlin will tell me who that is mind!' and suddenly my theory made so much sense. It would explain why Merlin wouldn't tell Arthur who killed him! Does that mean that Merlin is evil..? No! No, he can't be! He's not in any way evil... but that's the way Lady Morgana came across, she was the sweetest, kindest woman, at least that's what I've heard! _As you can imagine, by the time Arthur and Merlin woke up I was in a state. I was convinced that Merlin was either evil, or would turn evil and that one day he would kill Arthur, and I would kill him...

_I was way off. Not that being so off made the actual revelation any easier._

"Paige, last night I promised you total honesty in our relationship," Arthur said after we'd packed ready to return to Camelot. He had gathered the three of us round the burnt out fire to discuss his important revelation. "And I am determined to keep that promise. After everything that has happened between us, lying to you is not an option." Arthur paused, and opened and closed his mouth a few times as if he were at a loss as to what to say. _God the secret had to be bad if he couldn't get it out. That only shook me up more. If it was so bad that Arthur was at a loss for words over how to tell me then who knows what untold horrors could be bubbling away on the time of his tongue. _Merlin very sweetly placed a hand on Arthur's arm, gave him a reassuring smile and nod. Arthur beamed at him and returned the actions, nodding at Merlin, placing his hand over his advisors. _And then it clicked. Everything clicked! Their weird behaviour, catching Merlin wearing Arthur's bed clothes, Arthur's reluctance to talk about Merlin's lady-friend, Merlin's odd comments about Arthur's __**lover**__, and not his __**mistress**__... My head was spinning and I felt sick before Arthur could even get the words out. _"Merlin and I are in love..." he whispered, interlinking their fingers, not once removing his gaze from Merlin's. I gasped, despite seeing it coming a few seconds before and brought my hand to my mouth. _Merlin and Arthur, in love? But it couldn't be! They were both men! Men do not love other men, they love women! And Arthur loved Gwen! Right..? _

"I... I don't know what to say..." I muttered, not able to look at either of them. _I just couldn't! They were together and they were both men! It was unnatural, wrong!_

"Paige..." Arthur whispered nervously. "Please don't think any less of me, of us! I just want to be honest with you; I don't want us to have any secrets," _Still I did not look at them. My brain was so jumbled and fried, I knew I had to get away from them, to think freely and analyse what Arthur had just said. As much as I wanted to be disgusted and horrified by Arthur's confession, I knew I had to give him a chance. After all, he wanted to be honest, and he had kept that promise and come clean with a secret that could potentially destroy what little relationship we already had._

"I need to think..." I admitted, getting to my feet without looking at them. "I won't go far, I promise... and I'll be careful," I wandered towards the entrance to the cave without another word, still not lifting my head. I wrapped my arms tight around my chest, desperate to keep in the sobs that were threatening to over take me. _I wanted to cry alone, in private. I couldn't cry in front of Arthur and Merlin, it would crush them, knowing they were the cause of my tears._

"Paige!" Arthur called out to me, his voice frantic with worry. I ignored him and carried on. "Paige please!" Arthur replied. This time I heard him get to his feet, heard him attempt to follow.

"Arthur! Leave her, let her think..." Merlin said calmly. I assumed he grabbed Arthur, for Arthur had stopped moving, but as I didn't look back, I wasn't sure. "She'll be ok; she just needs to process this," I nodded as Merlin spoke, hoped that they could see me.

"I won't go far..." I repeated as I disappeared out the cave's opening.

"Be careful!" Arthur called out before I was out of earshot.

--

_I wanted to walk forever, to get as far away from the cave as possible. I wanted to escape and never face either Merlin or Arthur again! But I knew I could never do it, for as much as I hated the both of them at that moment, as disgusted as I was with them, I still cared about them, still loved them. And I knew they in return, loved me, and were only trying to do right by me._ I found myself a secluded spot; a few minute's walk from the cave, and finally freed the heartache within. I sobbed, sobbed so hard my whole chest heaved and my body shook. The tears hurt but I could not, and would not stop them from coming. I needed to cry, wanted to. _I just couldn't process what Arthur had said._ _How, how could he and Merlin be in love? I couldn't understand it. You aren't supposed to love members of the same sex in such a way! Those feelings are meant for someone of the opposite sex! I _thought of Gwen and my heart broke even more. _Did she know? The poor woman. Did Arthur even love her or was she just being used as a front? Maybe he did love her and was having his cake, and eating it too._ And then I thought of Merlin and the way I felt about him. _I had been in love with him and the whole time he was in love with Arthur. _My stomach heaved when I realised that I loved the same man that my father loved. _It was sick, wrong, more or less incest! I was so disgusted with myself, with Merlin and with Arthur that I just curled up on the floor and allowed my sobs to completely overtake me. So much, did they over take me, that my mind soon became free of all thoughts and worries, and my body, gracefully allowed me to doze off, mid-sob. _

_--_

I wasn't asleep long, for when I awoke the sun had only just risen. The sleep had calmed me down a lot and allowed me to think a lot more rationally and clearly. _Maybe you couldn't help who you feel in love with? Maybe it didn't matter who they were, man or woman, old or young?! Maybe there were no restrictions with love? Maybe I should just be happy that Arthur and Merlin had found a love that most people wait a life time for, yet never truly find..._ I decided that the only way to come to a decision how I really felt about the matter, was to return to Arthur and Merlin and let them give their side of the story.

--

I spotted them through the trees as I approached the cave. They were laying together right outside it, just gazing at each other and talking. When they didn't notice me, I took the opportunity to spy on them._ I wasn't being creepy or anything, I just wanted to understand their relationship, wanted to see exactly how in love they were. I'm sure they would be a lot more set aside and awkward with me around._

"Did I ever tell you that I loved you from the first time I saw you?" Arthur questioned, stroking Merlin's cheek with his thumb. Merlin blushed and giggled. _I shuddered slightly, still disturbed by the sight, despite seeing the love between them._

"You hated me! You had me thrown in the cells!" he replied. Arthur rolled his eyes.

"I had to look strong in front of my men... " he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. _And it was! Arthur hated to look weak in front of his men. _Merlin laughed.

"Well I for one hated you," Merlin admitted. "You were an arrogant, rude Prat and a bully," Arthur gave him a mock offended look.

"Hey!" he cried. _I couldn't help but giggle at the look on his face._

"Ok, you were a _royal_ arrogant rude Prat, and a bully," he corrected.

"That's better," replied Arthur, beaming at Merlin. "But I did you know, love you from the first time I saw you... you stood up to me and I respected that, no one had ever stood up to me before, not even my men! And then you flashed that damn smile of yours, and I was smitten. It lit up your whole face, made your eyes sparkle..." Merlin blushed furiously, beamed at Arthur and gave him a small kiss. _As much as I didn't want to see that, I couldn't help but let my heart swell – they were so darn cute!_

"And then the next day I humiliated you and you hated me again?" Arthur gave Merlin a playful shove.

"I was not humiliated and I most certainly didn't hate you! I thought you were brave and adorable," Arthur insisted. _I bet he was humiliated, if only a little..._

"Well you most certainly hated me during the whole Valiant thing, and you admitted to me yourself that I humiliated you... " Merlin said with a playful smile.

"No, I didn't hate you... much... I was just so used to being believed by my father all the time, so when he didn't believe me, I was disgruntled. It came as quite a shock, and although I believed you, I let out my frustrations on you," Arthur's tone had saddened slightly, he looked ashamed of himself. "I should have stuck up for you,"

"No... No because when you left to fight Valiant alone, and faced almost certain death, I realised that I was in love with you as well," Merlin admitted.

"I still have the note you sent me, telling me how you felt..." Arthur said, causing Merlin's smile to become even wider, the blush on his cheeks even darker. _It was at this point that I realised I had tears in my eyes, and not tears of revulsion but of happiness. They were obviously so in love with each other! They way they looked into each other's eyes... it reminded me of my late parents, and the love they shared until the day they died. I realised that it didn't matter that they were both men, that I still felt a little uneasy about the whole thing, all that mattered was the fact that they made each other so incredibly happy, that they were in love... And the fact that they had the guts to tell me about it, when such a relationship was despised and rejected... well it really showed just how dedicated they were to each other. And in that moment, I felt a stab of loss as my feelings for Merlin melted away, replaced by the joy of seeing him so happy, of seeing Arthur so happy._

_--_

"I'm sorry I walked away," I whispered as I approached the two of them. They were both so lost in one another, that they hadn't heard me approach, and had jumped at the sound of my voice.

"It's ok," Arthur said as he sat up and patted the ground next to him. "It probably wasn't the easiest thing for you to hear," he admitted. I shook my head as I sat down.

"It was a little bit... disturbing," I admitted. "But then I realised that you made each other happy, and I've decided that is all that matters," I gave Arthur the most genuine smile I could manage.

"That's very mature of you," he said with a nod of approval. "You'll be a fine queen one day," I blushed, pleased at Arthur's words. _If he thought I'd make a good queen, then maybe one day, I would be..._

"Well not anytime soon I hope," Merlin chuckled. "You still have to fulfil your destiny and bring peace to Albion. That could take years! I mean your such a Prat, I don't think any other monarch will want to listen to you,"

"Shut up Merlin," Arthur teased, giving him a playful slap on the back of his head.

--

"Guinevere knows... she always has known, and has always just... accepted it,"! Arthur confessed on the ride back to Camelot. I had asked him if anyone else knows about his relationship with Merlin.

"I just don't see how she can do that, it must be heartbreaking for her," I admitted. "She must really love you_," I know I would not be able to stand it if my husband was having an affair with another person, and a man at that, let alone accept it and let it happen! _

"Maybe. I don't really know, she doesn't ever talk about it," Arthur said with a shrug of his shoulders. "I've asked her about it, but all she says is it's her burden to bear and she will bear it for the sake of our marriage," _I couldn't help but notice how little Arthur seemed to care._

"Do you love her?" I asked. _I worried that my question was a bit too personal for Arthur's liking, but he chuckled._

"Always so perceptive!" he said, indicating that I was the subject of his words. _I doubted them a little... I mean if I was so perceptive, I would have spotted all this a long time ago! _"You're right, I don't love her. I thought I did, long ago but... I was in love with the idea of her. The idea of having the happy family I craved so much. So I married her, partly to produce the family I so badly wanted, and partly because I knew I had to take a queen in order to keep my people happy,"

"So your marriage, it's all about appearances and an heir?" I asked. Arthur gave a half hearted nod and then shook his head.

"Appearances' maybe but... now I have my family," Arthur smiled at me, and then at Merlin – who was sharing Arthur's horse and was leaning against his back, fast asleep, his arms tight around his Kings waist. _All the other horses were stolen while we camped out in that cave!_ _I'm so glad that Arthur thought to take Willow to the cave as well! I couldn't bear losing her! _

"Does Gwen know that you don't love her, and that your marriage is just for appearances'?" I questioned. _I couldn't help but feel so overwhelmingly sorry for Gwen, things must be so terribly hard for her. Having a husband that does not love her, but loves another man..._

"No. She believes that I love her and I'd like to keep it that way. I know that seems harsh, but the thing is, life as a king is all about appearances'. If my wife leaves me I'll be seen as weak and cruel and my people will turn on me. And once a king loses' his people... well, that just about ends his reign," Arthur gave me a sad smile. "It makes me sound terrible, I know,"

"No!" I insisted. "No, I can understand completely it's just... I wish there was another way for this to all pan out,"

"So do I. While I may not love Gwen, I care for her deeply and... and I would hate for her to get hurt. So could you do me a favour, and keep this to yourself?" Arthur asked. "About us as well... she has no idea that you are my daughter, and I don't think she'll be very pleased if she finds out," I nodded and agreed, the whole time rocked by the things Arthur had said. I never realised how restricted his life must be. He is King, and as King he has to be perfect all the time, he can never show any weakness and he must sacrifice so much of his own happiness for the good of his kingdom. How he copes with it all, I'll never know...

_**Paige xx**_

_**--**_

_**This chapter might not be up to my usual standards – that's up for you to decide I guess – as I've been left alone with the puppies today and they are just running around like mad, peeing everywhere... little bastards! (For those interested, they are 5 week old staffie pups. Some are brindle, some are fawn and while... all are adorable and a lot of hard work!) **_


	16. Day 14 Betrayal only happens if you love

Dear Diary

I was up so early this morning – we got back just as it was getting dark last night and I went straight to bed. I just lay there, all snug in bed, enjoying the sot mattress and the warmth of the blankets. _Something I'd missed while I'd been out with Arthur and Merlin._ Anyway the plan was that'd I'd doze in bed all morning and keep myself out of trouble until I did some training with Arthur in the afternoon, when my chainmail and armour would be ready. Of course, as is usual in this castle, things didn't go as planned.

It was an hour or so after sunrise, and I could hear people outside my window (I'm on the first floor). I didn't plan on listening in, really I didn't! But I couldn't help but hear! _Honestly!_

"Gaius you have to check your findings again, you must be wrong," It was Gwen, and from the sounds of things she was sobbing. The tone of her voice was just so desperate, so anxious... I felt my stomach lurch at once. _What was wrong with her? Was she ill? Dying?_

"I'm sorry my dear, but I've already checked my findings three times and the results have been the same every time," Gaius said solemnly. "You are with child," I gasped and muffled the sound in my pillow despite the fact I knew they couldn't hear me. _Gwen, pregnant? But what about the prophecy? Was it wrong? Or was it someone else's child? And if so, who's?_

"Gaius there must be something you can do," Gwen pleaded. "I can't be pregnant, you know of the prophecy... "

"Guinevere, for all you know the prophecy might be wrong," Gaius replied.

"Gaius you know it is..." I didn't hear the rest of Gwen's reply, she and Gaius had moved out of earshot. I jumped out of bed at once and rushed to my window, but it was too late. Gwen and Gaius were gone.

_What was going on? Was the prophecy wrong? If so did that mean that it was also wrong about me being queen? Or was Gwen having an affair, and having another man's child? And if she was, who the hell was this other man? Did Arthur know she was having an affair (if she was having one)? By the panicked sound of voice, then, no, he didn't know... Argh! So many questions!_ I decided the best bet was to find Merlin and ask him; after all he was the only one who could read the prophecy.

--

I prayed that Arthur was not in Merlin's chambers for there was no way I was mentioning any of this too him and there was no way I would be able to lie to him about my presence at Merlin's door!. _What if I got things wrong and he did something to Gwen? Or worse, himself? _Thankfully, Merlin was alone.

"Hmm... good morning Paige...." he muttered as he opened the door. He looked as though he had just woken up, his eyes were puffy and he stretched and yawned as he talked to me._ I had to use all my will power to not find the whole thing adorable! I hated myself for that! I could not still have feelings for him, not now! Not when he was with Arthur!_ "Did you want something?" he asked with another yawn.

"I need to talk to you about the prophecy and Gwen," I whispered, glancing around nervously out of fear that someone, anyone could be listening in. Merlin's eyes widened just a little, and he stepped aside to let me in. _To say his room was a mess was an understatement. Books were piled in every available space as all his shelves were full, clothes littered what space there was between those books; rolls of parchment covered every available surface and copious amounts of the castles plates sat piled next to his desk._ "Er... didn't you used to be Arthur's manservant?" I asked, gingerly sitting down on the scruffy, unmade bed. Merlin smirked as he rubbed his eyes.

"I wasn't very good at it... to be honest, I cheated my way through most of that job!" he laughed. _Looking around his room I could believe that! How did the man like living in such squalor? Geez how often did Arthur sleep in here? It couldn't be very often, he's so neat and organized. He'd hate to be in here for even a second, let alone overnight. I shuddered slightly at the thought of Arthur spending the night in Merlin's chambers. Still not used to the idea of them being all... together!_

"Idiot," I said with a roll of my eyes. Merlin laughed as he cleared his chair and sat down opposite me.

"Hmm, yes that's what your father...err Arthur, always said to me," he remembered with a fond smile. "Actually come to think of it, he still says that to me," _I guessed Arthur meant it as a term of endearment because Merlin was the last person that I'd consider an idiot. _

"Yes, he does call you an idiot quite often," I said with a smile. "But anyway, this prophecy... what does it say about Guinevere and not having children?" I persisted. Merlin tilted his head in question, narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Why do you ask?" he questioned cautiously. I bit my lip and glanced around the room nervously. When I was sure that no one was in the room, I leaned in towards Merlin and indicated that he should do the same.

"Lady Guinevere is pregnant," I whispered. _I honestly expected Merlin not to believe me. After all, we both knew what the prophecy said – that Gwen could not have children._

"How do you know this?" he cried frantically, spinning round on his chair to examine the books that lay open there.

"I overheard her and Gaius talking just a few minutes ago... he confirmed it, she is, to quote him 'with child'" I said, using my fingers to indicate the use of a quotation. Merlin didn't reply, he simply continued to flip through his book. He scanned page after page as quickly as he could manage, desperate to find the page he was looking for. After a few tense minutes, he found it.

"I was hoping this wouldn't hold true," Merlin said, tugging the book of the pile and dumping it in my lap. Next to a page of unreadable Latin lay a page of his own untidy scrawl, translations for the adjacent page. I read them over quickly, trying hard to understand Merlin's terrible handwriting and my jaw dropped when I realised what his words said.

"So this is the secret... not any other?" I asked, reading again the words I was unable to believe. Merlin nodded.

"Yes, this secret is the one that will bring about Arthurs downfall, and no other..." He confirmed.

_**While both Guinevere and Arthur can conceive children, they cannot conceive together due to an unknown medical incompatibility.**_

_**After just two short years of marriage, Guinevere will conceive a child fathered, of course, not by her husband, but an unknown man with whom she has had a long term affair with. Should Arthur Pendragon learn that the child is not his, he will fly into an uncontrollable rage that will frighten his wife into leaving him to be with her forbidden lover. Arthur will sentence his wife to death and will thus de**_s_**troy his public image, which will, in the long run, result in his eventual downfall. **_

"'Should Arthur learn the child is not his...'" I read, with a grimace, "He will know it is not his straight away! He knows about the prophecy!" I cried.

"I know. The only way out of this is to cause Gwen to miscarry before it becomes obvious she is expecting. " Merlin said dismally. "I know it sounds horrible and wrong, but Arthur cannot know about Guinevere's affair,"

"Talk about double standards!" I snorted, folding my arms in annoyance. "Arthur is allowed to have an affair but Guinevere isn't?" _Gwen's relationship with Arthur couldn't be that fulfilling if he had Merlin as well, and that's without his duties as King. Of course the poor woman needed to look elsewhere for affection and love!_

"Paige, things are different for men and women and you know it. A man can have an affair, have a mistress even, and it's looked over, but a woman... a woman cannot have an affair, cannot betray her marital vows. If she does, her husband has every right to have her executed," Merlin stressed. I rolled my eyes at him, becoming increasingly annoyed with every word that came out of his mouth. _What total hypocritical rubbish! How is it that a man can have an affair and a woman can't? Is it because a man cannot bear a child that will show more of a resemblance to their lover than to their husband?_

"That is just ridiculous!" I cried.

"Men are considered superior to women Paige." Merlin said. "As lower beings women are expected to do as they are told, are expected to toe the line," _Lower beings? Is that how Merlin and Arthur thought of me? As lower than them?_

"It's disgusting it really is, women should be equal to men! What makes them so superior?" I questioned, desperate to understand why men thought they were better than women.

"It's just the way things are Paige, the way things always have been! Why do you think we have never had a queen before?" Merlin stopped when he saw the deadly glare on my face, knowing at once that his words were not to my liking. "Look Paige, neither Arthur nor I believe women to be 'lesser beings', least of all you," he said, desperate to reassure me. _I wasn't sure about that! Merlin I could believe, but Arthur? NO! If he was willing to kill his Queen for having an affair when he too was having one, he obviously thought that Guinevere was below him._

"If that is so, then why will Arthur execute Gwen for having an affair when he is doing the same thing himself?" I demanded. Merlin looked a bit panicked, my voice was raised to quite a volume and I could tell he was terrified that someone might hear me. _To be honest I was almost hoping that someone would hear, if only to hear that Arthur was as much at fault as Gwen._

"Loo Paige, Arthur would willingly let Guinevere have an affair, as long as she told him first. After all she has every right to take another man, considering Arthur has one... it's the fact that she lies to him that gets him riled up. You read it yourself; he'll get so angry he'll push Gwen into her lover's arms. That will just make the whole affair public, and it will make Arthur look a weak and feeble King. He'll have no choice but to execute her, whether he wants to or not," _Argh! I knew Merlin was right, as much as I hated to admit it! If the Kings people did not believe in him, did not stand by him and worship him... well, there was no point in him being king at all. But..._

"But if he executes her, that will destroy his public image!" I cried, tapping Merlin's notes with my finger. Merlin sighed and nodded.

"Either outcome will destroy Arthur, so you have to understand that Arthur can never find out about this. We have to make Gwen miscarry,"

"So you're saying that we have to... push her down the stairs or something?" I asked appalled.

"No! Nothing that drastic... we just have to make her drink pennyroyal essential oil," _My jaw dropped at once. Pennyroyal essential oil? Obviously he thought that I had no idea what that did or he would not have mentioned it._

"So you wish to force an abortion on her?" I cried, outraged. _How dare Merlin suggest such an outrageous thing! Pennyroyal abortions were meant to be unbearably excruciating and often resulted in the death of the mother._

"Yes! Paige what other choice do we have? Look I know pennyroyal abortions are terrible things, but I can use my magic's to make it as easy on her and her body as possible," he promised. _Why couldn't he just use his magic's to get rid of her child without her having to go through such pain and suffering? Surely there was a way?_ "And I know what you're thinking, why can't I just use my magic's to get rid of her child? Well I would if it were not for the fact that any such spell would permanently remove her reproductive organs as well! How would we explain that to her, to Arthur?"

"Surely she would not notice?" I questioned, confused. A_fter all, they are inside her body right? She would not know of their disappearance. _

"Ah... um, I take it that you don't um... bleed once a month, from erm... down there?" Merlin questioned, pointing below his waist, obviously struggling with what he should say. _Bleed once a month? What the hell was he on about?_

"No..." I said, prolonging the word to make my confusion obvious. Merlin blushed and stammered out the next sentence at quite a speed.

"Um, women, once they reach about 14, they erm, bleed once a month for a few days... it means they are fertile and can reproduce... when they stop, it means they are pregnant... so if Gwen was to stop bleeding once a month, then that would only make Arthur suspicious... if I get this pennyroyal thing right, then she should continue to... bleed once a month, I mean,"

"Oh..." I whispered, blushing hard. So that was to happen to me soon? _Argh, it sounds dreadful._ "So there really is no other way to deal with this?" I questioned. _I was still very uneasy about the whole thing, but I knew if there was any other option, Merlin would find it, right? Or maybe he is just so desperate to protect Arthur he just wants to eliminate this problem as soon as possible?_

"Paige I promise you that if there was any other way to do this, then I would do it! But there isn't any, just trust me ok?

_I agreed and I'm not sure why! I'm really not very comfortable with the idea of forcing this abortion on Gwen, and I'm certain there has to be another way to deal with all this! I'm also not at all comfortable with keeping this from Arthur! We promised to be honest with each other and I don't think I could lie too him if he got wind of all of this! Not after he has been so brutally honest with me! _

_--_

"Hold your arms up," Arthur said to me later that day. _He was helping me put on my new armour as I had absolutely no idea how to put any of it on._ I groaned as the weighty chainmail fell onto my shoulders. _It was cold, uncomfortable and heavy! How could Arthur and his men wear it so often? And this was without the rest of the armour! _Arthur chuckled at my discomfort. "It will get easier, I swear," he promised.

"How exactly?" I asked as I lowered my arms, causing the sleeves to roll down. The links caught and pinched my skin a few times and I shrieked in pain. Arthur smiled, but did not laugh this time.

"You'll learn to move your body with the chainmail so that it won't weigh you down and won't pinch your skin," he promised. "Now here, give me your wrists," he said. I held them out and he bound each of them with their individual cuff. "You are paying attention right? You need to know how to put this all on yourself," _What? Wouldn't my handmaiden be responsible for that? But then I remembered... I refused to hire a handmaiden._

"Won't a servant dress me before I go into battle?" I questioned nevertheless.

"Yes, but you still need to know... especially if you end up with a total idiot of a servant like Merlin," he said, his tone fond. I smiled, knowing he meant it in an affectionate way as well as a literal way. I stayed silent as Arthur finished dressing me, and paid careful attention to the way he put my armour on, and in what order.

"Don't I need a sword, and maybe a shield..?" I asked a few minutes later when I realised I was void of both essential items.

"Patience child!" Arthur said ruffling my hair. _I'm back to pretending I'm ok with that... So maybe I've decided that I am in fact ok with that.... Maybe I've decided that I quite like it when Arthur does that... _I rolled my eyes at Arthur, which he chose to ignore, and smiled.

"That depends on how long I have to be patient for, this armour isn't light, as you well know!" I cried out. Arthur however, either didn't hear or didn't want to reply, for he had wandered to the side of the training arena and picked up a large oak box.

"Here, you don't have to be patient anymore," he said as he presented me with the box, a wide grin on his face. The box was so big that I had to lie it down on the ground to open it. My hands were shaking as I pulled it open, I couldn't even begin to contemplate what might be inside. Within the box lay a very old sword and shield, both of which were in great condition. The sword was very simple, it shone in the light and the handle had only one defining feature – a red gem at the end. The shield too was plain, simple, but when I turned it over, I noticed the back was engraved with a long list of names (All of which belonged to the Pendragon family) and dates, the most recent being _'Arthur Pendragon April 18__th__ 503 – July 9__th__ 533'_ the later date being today's date. There was a blank space under it. I stared at it in shock, barely able to take in Arthurs words. "This is handed down from father to son in the Pendragon family. The father give's it to his son, his heir when he feels he is ready to start his training in becoming a knight and a king. My father gave me this on my 5th birthday, and now I'm presenting it to you..."

"But I'm not your son," I whispered, still taking in the long list of names and dates on the back of the shield. _It amazed me to see how long the shield had been in the Pendragon family... it had been hundreds of years._

"No," said Arthur. "You're my daughter, my child. My heir," He sounded like he was swollen with pride. "I left your name blank... normally the father has his sons name engraved upon it before he give it to him, along with the date of when he does so, which of course is the date added to his own name, indicating when he'd passed it on... anyway, I wasn't sure what you'd want me to put, so I left it for you could decide," _I sat there for a minute, deep in thought. Do I put Arthur's surname, or the name I had grown up with?_

"I'd like it... I'd like it if you put Paige Pendragon," I admitted, ducking my head so I could hide the intense blush that had invaded my cheeks. A few seconds later, I heard Arthur weeping softly, and turned in shock to look at him.

"What's wrong?" I asked, jumping to my feet so I could comfort him if I needed to. He however, smiled at me and shook his head.

"I've just... I've never been so happy, so proud in my entire life..." he whispered, gently wiping his eyes with the tip of his thumb. _I forced a smile to my lips and returned the hug that came a few seconds later. Inside however, I was crushed. Here was Arthur, so incredibly happy with me, so proud of me, and the whole time I was keeping from him a deadly secret, despite promising that I would be honest with him. I cared for him so much and keeping that, and Merlin's plans from him was eating away at me. I didn't want to destroy what little relationship we had. I wanted him to be proud of me, to have a happy relationship with him, but I can't do that while keeping all this from him. _For a few seconds, I debated whether or not I should tell him everything, hoping that if I told him about the prophecy, then he would be able to be calm and rational about the whole thing. But then a sudden downpour tore me from my thoughts, as Arthur and I had to flee the rain and head to the castle. By the time I thought about it again, I was already in my bedchambers preparing for bed.

Now I am at a loss as to whether I should tell him all over again...

Paige xxx

--

_**Notes**_

_**I know the Arthurian legends are set in the 6**__**th**__** century, but I'm not sure of the dates so I made them up.**_

_**Pennyroyal essential oil was used to induce abortions as early as the 5**__**th**__** century, until it was discovered that it was in fact, a poison.**_

_**I know the Gwen abortion thing seems harsh, but its building towards something I swear**_

_**Also, we are almost at 100 reviews... could I ask that those who don't normally review take the time too, if only to push the landmark 100**__**th**__** comment? **_

_**YOU GUYS ROCK! THATS FOR READING THIS – THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO COME**_!


	17. Day 15 Sit and drink Pennyroyal tea

Dear Diary

Arthur is away today and I wish that he wasn't for things have gone so very, very wrong. And the worst part is, I think Merlin is to blame! I don't know what to do, on the one hand I think if Merlin is to blame, then he is just doing it for his King, his lover and the future of his Kingdom, but on the other it seems like he has acted irrationally and on the spur of the moment and done something potentially life threatening. And if he is not to blame... then it means there is someone within the court of Camelot desperate to see Arthur fall.

Arthur left before I even awoke this morning (I have a brief memory of him kissing me goodbye at daybreak, but that might have been a dream,) so I was free to met with Merlin straight away, like we agreed. _We were to discuss the whole Guinevere thing and try and work out the best way to deal with the situation before Arthur returned. Problem is, Merlin had already come to a decision about what we were going to do, leaving me little choice but to agree!_ _(The plan was that when I dined with Guinevere at dinner that evening, Merlin would slow time, and would slip in and spike her drink before anyone was any the wiser .I still wasn't happy with it, but there really wasn't anything I could do.)_

"I know it's a horrid thing to do Paige, but I have been up all night trying to come to another conclusion and I can find none! We have to do this, and we have to do it now before Arthur returns!" he hissed at me as we walked down the Gaius's chambers together trying our best to look innocent. _Merlin had told me that Gaius kept Pennyroyal oil in his chambers, and that we needed to steal it without him knowing lest someone see one of us buying the stuff from the market. _

"Merlin are you sure there is no other way round this, I mean _really_ sure... I'm not at all comfortable with all this," I persisted. Merlin sighed and stopped, turned to face me.

"I'm not comfortable with this either Paige... I truly don't want to take such a horrible risk, don't want to do such an appalling thing to Gwen, but we have to think about the Kingdom as a whole and not just one person..." _As much as I hated to admit it, he had me there. We could leave Guinevere with her child and risk the entire kingdom, or we could do the unthinkable and abort her child, risking only her. It was a horrible, horrible choice to make, but there was only one way to go..._

"You will make sure she's ok, right?" I asked, tearing up a little. _I truly cared for Gwen; she was a lovely person and had never done me wrong. Yet now it seemed I would have to wrong her, simply because she had married a man that did not love her. _

"I promise you Paige, I will do everything in my power to make sure Guinevere will be ok," he promised, gripping each of my shoulders in his hands. "This will haunt me forever, but so will letting Arthur fall," _Merlin's eyes brimmed over as he spoke, and I saw the heartache and pain that was deep within them. This was butchering him as much as it was butchering me._ I nodded, finally believing that he had no other choice in the matter and that we were doing the best for Camelot, for Arthur.

--

"Why Hello my dear, and what brings you here today?" Gaius asked as he opened his door. I bit my lip, unable to come up with a reason for my presence. _Merlin had asked me to distract Gaius so that he could slip in and take the bottle of pennyroyal essential oil. _

"I... er... feel a little sick," I mumbled, grasping my stomach as I did so. Gaius gave me a soft smile and stepped aside to let me in the room.

"Come in my dear, I'll get you a tonic to ease the feeling," _Oh great, that stuff again! And this time I don't even need it!_ I groaned but followed him into the room nevertheless and sat myself down in one of his chairs. Merlin slipped into the room as Gaius turned from his table, to me. "Here you are," Gaius said, handing me a glass of the foul grey liquid. I shuddered as I took it. "I take it that I don't need to tell you that you must-"

"Drink it all?" I said sadly, my eyes wide in nervousness. Gaius chuckled and nodded. He went to turn around, but Merlin was still looking around his shelves! I had to distract him, and quick. "Isn't there anything else you can give me?" I demanded, a little rudely, as I slammed the glass down onto the table. I blushed a little at my rudeness, Gaius didn't deserve it. However it stopped him turning around.

"You remind me of Arthur," he said fondly with a chuckle as he patted my hand. "He asked me the exact same thing ever time he fell ill," As Gaius spoke, Merlin gave me a nod and held up a small bottle. He had what he needed.

"He refuses them now doesn't he?" I asked with a grin. Gaius chuckled again, nodded and handed me the tonic.

"Yes he does, but I don't think he would be very appreciative if he found out I'd let you get away with not drinking this," Gaius chuckled, standing over me with folded arms. _Damn._ I downed the horrid thing in one and handed the glass back to an amused Gaius with a very forced smile. "Do you feel better my dear?" he asked, his eyes sparkling.

"Yes, very much so..." I said, grimacing at the aftertaste of the tonic. "Thanks Gaius," I said, fleeing the room before he could force any more foul potions down my throat.

--

"You have been spending a lot of time with Arthur of late," Gwen commented later that day as we walked through the grounds. _I had agreed to accompany her on a walk for some unknown reason. I was terrified at the idea of spending a prolonged amount of time with her, for fear I might give something away or make her suspicious._

"Argh! I know, but he's very insistent about my training schedule," I said with a sigh and a roll of my eyes. _I hoped she would hear the aversion in my voice._

"He only means well," Gwen insisted with a soft smile. "He wants you to be the best swordswoman possible," I gave what I hoped looked like a very forced smile and nodded.

"Yes that's what he says," I said with a soft laugh. "Sometimes I think that maybe he's just trying to annoy me," Gwen laughed as I said that.

"Maybe, but he adores you Paige, I don't think he means to annoy you," she maintained. _As Gwen spoke, she inadvertently moved her hand down to her stomach and held it there for just a second. I shuddered slightly as an overwhelming feeling of guilt and shame overtook me. She looked so happy, and she was __**glowing**__!_

"I'm sure on some level he wants to annoy me," I insisted causing Guinevere to laugh even more so. _Argh! How could I be planning to do such an evil thing to her? She was so blissful, so elated, and I was going to take that away from her!_ I must have looked distressed, for Guinevere asked;

"Is there anything the matter Paige, you look troubled?" she sounded concerned.

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm fine," I insisted not looking at her. _If I did, I'm sure she'd see the fear on my face, the deceit in my eyes. _

"You can trust me Paige," she continued, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. _I wanted to shrug it off, to flee to my chambers and stay there until way past dinner time, but I knew I couldn't. I had to think about the future of Camelot!_

"I'm fine," I promised, looking Gwen in the eye when I was sure I'd forced the look of deceit from them. Gwen looked startled as she looked into my eyes, and I panicked that she could see my lies in them.

"Have your eyes always been blue?" She asked, looking deep into them. I blushed and turned away, nodding the whole time.

"Of course," I insisted.

"I'm sure they were grey," Gwen said, sounding bewildered_. I blushed as I lied and hoped that Gwen would miss it._

"No, blue," I promised. "Like my mothers,"

"They look like Arthurs eyes..." she mused. I felt a wave of panic hit me as she said that, and desperately tried to calm myself enough to reassure her that I didn't think so.

"They look nothing like his!" I said, shrieking without meaning too. "My mother's eyes were much more beautiful than his!" _Gwen dropped the subject after that, and I felt terribly guilty. Although it didn't stop her from staring at my eyes every so often._

--

As I lay in my chambers that afternoon, waiting for dinnertime to come, I couldn't help but become overcome with doubts and guilty thoughts about what was to be done.

_Surely there had to be a way to smuggle her out of Camelot once she started to show? Maybe we could convince Arthur that she had a sick relative somewhere... but then what about the baby?_

_Maybe Merlin could 'find' another part of the prophecy that states that Arthur and Guinevere could conceive a child if they attempted conception at a certain time in a certain place..? _

_Maybe Gwen could fake her own death and flee Camelot with her lover, and live happy and healthily with her family far, far away?_

As darkness loomed, I knew that there had to be other ways to deal with Gwen's pregnancy. I knew I could not do what Merlin asked of me!

I slipped out of my chambers and snuck down to Merlin's. I listened at his door, and checked under the crack for any sign of light. When I was sure that he was not in, I ducked in before anyone could see me, and shut the door behind me. It took me an age to find the pennyroyal essential oil amongst the mess, but I found it and fled the room before Merlin could return! From there I returned it to Gaius's chambers, hoping that he had not spotted it missing before now. (_He was dozing in his chair thankfully; I don't think I could have stomached another tonic_,) I was trembling the entire time, and only felt relief when I returned to my chambers. In fact I felt more than relief; I felt calm and guilt free. I was determined to find another way to help Gwen and was elated that I had stopped something horrible from happening.

--

"You did what?" Merlin demanded. I had stopped by his chambers before I headed to dinner, and had found him searching for the pennyroyal essential oil amongst his mess.

"I returned the oil to Gaius's chambers Merlin... I did some thinking, and I decided that I can't go through with all this! I can't kill Gwen's baby! It's innocent Merlin, innocent! As is Gwen!" _Ok so she wasn't innocent, per say, but she wasn't exactly guilty either! None of this would have happened is Arthur hadn't chosen to marry a woman he did not love._ Merlin groaned and rubbed his eyes in frustration.

"Paige you have no idea what you have just done!" he cried, so angry with me he couldn't even look at me. "You could have just cost Arthur the crown! You have jeopardised the future of Camelot!" I however, stood my ground.

"There has to be another way, in fact there is! We can smuggle Gwen out of Camelot once she starts to show, say she's with sick relatives! Or she can fake her death and flee with her lover! Anything but this," I pleaded. Merlin still did not look at me, still sat there looking frustrated and angry. "Please Merlin! You could conceal her pregnancy with magic's, or tell Arthur you translated the prophecy wrong! Please, I'm begging you, don't do this to Gwen! She is so happy, so content! This will kill her," I had tears of frustration in my eyes by this point, and my voice was high with the panic and alarm that was taking me over. Merlin chanced a look at me, and his face softened when he caught sight of the anguish I was in.

"Ok, Ok! I'll do some research," he promised. "You're right, there has to be another way! I'm sorry to have upset you so Paige, I was so blinded by panic I didn't even think about what my actions might lead to. I'm just so desperate to protect Arthur; I didn't even consider any other option!" I cried out in relief.

"Thank you Merlin!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around him. He simply chuckled and returned the sentiment.

"We'll figure this out," he promised. "One way or another, Gwen will keep her child, I give you my word,"

--

"It's the strangest thing," Guinevere said that night at dinner as she picked at her meal. "I can't seem to bring myself to eat this chicken," I gave her a concerned look, and acted as though I had no idea what she was on about.

"You love chicken," I said with a worried frown, "It's your favourite!" Gwen gave me a weak smile.

"Yes, but as of late it has been making me feel quite ill," It was then that I noticed she was looking a little pale.

"Maybe the kitchen staff aren't cooking it probably?" I offered with a shrug of my shoulders, looking down the whole time to keep Gwen seeing the blush on my cheeks that always came when I lied.

"Maybe," she said as she reached for her water. "But no one else has become ill,"

"Maybe you have a sensitive stomach," I said as she took a sip...

It happened almost straight away. Gwen drew her hand to her mouth as if she was going to vomit, but then simply groaned and cradled her stomach. She took a few deep breaths to try and control the pain, but it kept coming thick and fast, worsening with every second. All too soon she was crying out with the pain, screaming.... agony written across her face. One of the guards had hurried to find Gaius by this point, and the other rushed to Gwen and held her as she cried out. He asked her again and again what was wrong, but she was clearly in too much pain to answer, and simply shook her head.

After a minute or too she screamed out, the volume of her cries piercing my ears, going straight through me. That's when the blood appeared, floods of it, dripping down her skirt, pooling on the floor beneath her. _She was losing the baby!_

"No!" she screamed. "No! No! No!" as she clutched her stomach for dear life. "My baby, please, no!" She screamed again and began to sob. Sobs that shook her whole body, sobs that made her sound like she was being choked to death... I wanted to comfort her, to hold her and assure her that everything would be ok... but I was rooted to the spot, unable to move.

Gaius appeared a second later, and ordered the guards to take her to his chambers.

"Don't you breathe a word of this to anyone!" He warned them "Least of all the King," The panicked guards readily agreed as the carried a broken and bleeding Guinevere out of the room. "Paige, what happened?" Gaius asked, turning to me the second they were out of sight.

"I...I... don't know..." I said, trembling in concern. "She had some water... and then... then it just happened..." I mumbled, pointing to Gwen's goblet, which lay on its side on the floor, contents spilled across the stone. Gaius rushed to it at once and examined it, sniffed the remaining liquid.

"Pennyroyal essential oil..." he muttered, a horrified look on his face. He turned to me at once, his face a picture of unease and alarm. "Did you see who poured Guinevere's water?" he demanded. I shook my head.

"It was already poured...." I said. _And it had been, when I entered the banquet hall Guinevere was already eating and both our goblets were filled to the brim._

"Go back to your chambers Paige, I'll come up and check on you in a little while," he said. _I was only to ready to agree, I had to get out of that room, had to get away from the blood... had to go somewhere where I couldn't hear Gwen's screams..._

_--_

I ran into Merlin as I rushed towards my chambers.

"What's going on?" he demanded. "I could hear all this screaming from my chambers..." _I gave Merlin a sceptical look. Why wasn't he at dinner? Why was he in his chambers?_

"Guinevere is losing her baby," I said coldly, watching his facial expressions change very carefully. _He didn't look that surprised._

"Oh god!" he gasped, hand over his mouth. "Poor Gwen! What happened?"

"Someone spiked her drink... pennyroyal essential oil according to Gaius!" I retorted. "Someone wanted her to lose that child!" Merlin's eyes bulged in horror as he realised that I was accusing him of spiking Gwen's drink.

"Paige, it wasn't me!" he insisted desperately.

"You wanted this!" I cried. "You wanted her to lose the baby; that was your idea!" Merlin glanced around looking alarmed. _And guilty I might add!_

"Paige keep quite! Look I promise you that I had nothing to do with this!" he insisted, sounding panicked. _I doubted him completely. It was all too coincidental for my liking. _

"I don't believe you!" I snapped. "And when Arthur returns, I'm telling him everything!" And with that, I walked off, not letting Merlin have another say in it.

"Paige!" He cried out after me. "Paige please believe me!" I simply ignored him.

Arthur will be back by morning, but I want to wait up and talk to him before Merlin can. I can only hope that he will believe me over his lover... but he should,_ I'm his daughter!_

Right..?

Paige.

--

_**Sorry there was not an update yesterday, I hope you all got the note. (For those that missed it, I went to a meeting and missed the last bus, so I was stranded at a mates!)**_

_**Also, thank you all so much for pushing me over 100 reviews. You guys rock so much!**_


	18. Day 16 He sold her out to save himself

Dear Diary

I feel sleep last night while waiting up for Arthur. Oh course, as is typical of my luck, Arthur arrived home right after I feel asleep, so when he came to check on me, I was pretty out of it and forgot all about talking to him about Merlin.

Arthur chuckled as he peeked round my chamber door.

"Silly girl, you tried to wait up for me didn't you..." he muttered to himself sounding pleased, assuming I was asleep. _Despite still being able to hear him, I was pretty much asleep... at least my body was, I don't think I could have moved it even if my life depended on it!_ I heard him pull back the covers on my bed, and then suddenly he was at my side. "Paige..? Paige, wake up," he whispered, giving my shoulder a little shake.

"Hmmm..." I mumbled. _Or something similar to that anyway._ Arthur chuckled again.

"You have to go to bed Paige, you can't sleep here, it's not the most comfortable place to sleep in, you'll hurt your neck..." he whispered, giving my shoulder another nudge. I made another 'Hmmm...' sound, but otherwise remained still and silent. Arthur gave an amused sigh and picked me up, holding me close to his body as he carried me over to bed. I awoke enough to be able to hold onto him. _It's not that I thought he would drop me, I thought that maybe he might... honest! _

"Sleepy..." I muttered, burying my head into the crook of Arthur's neck. _I felt so safe with him, so loved. I didn't want him to put me down. He was the only person I had left in my world that I could really trust. _

"Yes, exactly, so you're going to bed," Arthur laughed. I didn't say anything else, I simply let him put me in bed and tuck the covers around me. _It was such a __**fatherly**__ thing to do, I know, but I let him do it nevertheless. Not just because I was too tired to move (I could have moved of my own free will), but because I was beginning to see him as more like a __**father**__, and less like __**Arthur**__. Part of me panicked slightly at the idea of betraying the man who raised me, but I knew he would have wanted me to build a relationship with Arthur. Leon was great like that... _ "Sleep well darling," he said as he kissed my forehead. "Love you," he continued as he slipped out of the door.

"You too..." I managed to mumble back, causing Arthur to laugh once again.

_He must never ever find out just how cherished and loved that made me feel! _

--

I awoke quite late in the day, and had absolutely no idea where to find Arthur. I knew I had to find him. He had to know about what had happened while he was away. Surely he would have questioned why Gwen was in Gaius's chambers in obvious agony? I decided to start my search there as, whether he loved Gwen or not, he would do right by her and stay with her while she recovered. _Or so I thought anyway._ He wasn't there, but someone else was.

"My Lady, please talk to me, give me some sign that you are okay," Came Sir Lancelot's voice from behind Gaius's door. Intrigued, I paused and listened. _(I have a habit of doing that recently... I should really try and stop before someone catch's me!) _Gwen gave no response, and I too started to wonder if she was ok. Gaius told me last night that she had lost the baby due to the pennyroyal essential oil, but that she in herself would be ok. I was starting to doubt that. "Guinevere, please, talk to me! I cannot bear to sit back and see you like this! So lost, so broken..." It sounded like Lancelot was crying, which was odd. He had no need to cry. He was not any relation to Gwen, nor was he the baby's father... _Oh! Maybe he was! Maybe he was the one with whom Guinevere was having a 'long-term' affair with._

"Lancelot you do not understand how I am feeling... I had a baby, my very own child growing inside me, and now it's gone! There was a lifewithin me and it was taken away! How can I tell you that I'm ok when such a terrible thing has happened to me," Gwen cried. _She sounded awful, so distraught and broken. I wanted to go in and comfort her, but I knew better than to do something so impulsive._

"I know some of what you are feeling Gwen, this was my child too! Please just as least assure me that you won't hurt yourself," _So it __**was**__ Lancelot I was very surprised, he is so incredibly loyal to Arthur, more loyal in fact than any other knight. Well, actually, I suppose he isn't anymore..._

"I cannot assure you anything..." Gwen whispered._ I shuddered slightly for fear that she might hurt herself. Especially if Arthur found out!_ I decided to go back to finding Arthur at this point, I don't think I could have listened to another word, it was so heartbreaking... I caught a look into the room as I walked down the corridor. All I saw was Guinevere lying on the bed, clutching her empty stomach, staring out into nothingness with an empty and lost look in her eyes .Her face simply screamed heartbreak and distress. _Seeing her only increased my fear for her safety tenfold. She truly looked like she could do herself some serious harm; in fact, she looked like she might kill herself. I could not let that happen! I had to find Arthur and explain everything to him calmly and rationally and plead with him to leave Gwen and Lancelot be, lest he lose his kingdom. _

_--_

Arthur wasn't in the castle so I decided to go and look for him at the training arena. Although it wasn't the time of day that he normally trained with his knights, he often went and did a bit of practise by himself, or with Merlin. Searching for him there meant passing through the market, where I encountered Gaius at the stall that sold all manner of potions and tonics.

"Can you tell me who has purchased pennyroyal essential oil from you recently?" he asked the stall holder. Said stall holder gave him a suspicious look.

"Yeah there was a man that brought it from me yesterday. He asked me if it was the right stuff for abortions and I said it was," _That couldn't have been Merlin, could it? I mean he would have stolen it from Gaius's chambers to keep the blame from being pointed at him. I felt a bit of relief, but listened on anyway, desperate to know who had betrayed Guinevere so horribly._

"What did he say he needed it for?" Gaius asked, interrupting the stall holder's musings. The man jumped from his thoughts and scratched his head as he shrugged.

"He reckoned he got his mistress pregnant or something', didn't really ask, not my place see," _Well that's not very helpful! Or maybe it is... maybe it means he doesn't know anything about Gwen, Lancelot and the lost baby... if he knew, all he had to do was mention it to one person and Arthur would be ruined! _

"Do you know who it was?" Gaius pressed. The stall holder mused for a second, then started nodding as he remembered who had been the buyer of the pennyroyal essential oil.

"Yeah... it was that Knight... the one that was turned away when Arthur was just a boy cause he weren't a Nobel...err, what's 'is name...?" _Lancelot_!

"Lancelot?" Gaius asked.

"Yeah! Yeah, that were it, Lancelot," The stall holder confirmed, grinning slightly, looking pleased that he had remembered who had brought the pennyroyal essential oil. "'ere, what's all this about then? Has he gone and given his missus too much?" Gaius simply gave the stall holder a meek smile and passed him a bag brimming over with gold pieces'. The stunned stall holder took it in shock, pocketed it before Gaius could change his mind.

"This conversation never happened," Gaius said.

"Yeah, righto," The stall holder said with a nod. "Won't breathe a word of this to no one," _So Lancelot had spiked Gwen's drink! When? How? And most importantly why? Sure he was having an affair with his king's wife, but surely there was another solution than risking Gwen's life so! I know he was only doing it to protect Gwen who he loved, and to protect Arthur, who he was so loyal to, but still..._

"Paige my dear, are you alright? You seem lost," Gaius said, scaring me so much that I jumped.

"Lancelot killed Gwen's baby?" I asked, needing to hear it once again to confirm that it was true. Gaius's expression turned grave as he nodded at me and patted my shoulder.

"It would seem so my dear," he said sadly.

"He was the father, I heard him and Guinevere talking earlier," I said_. I wondered briefly if I should have told Gaius what I'd heard, but I knew at almost at once that I could trust him. After all, he was the one who knew of Gwen's pregnancy..._

"I thought as much... they have quite a history together... before she married Arthur that is," _They were together before Gwen married Arthur? Then why did Guinevere marry him? If she loved another man, then what was the point of marring a king who's first and only love with his personal advisor?_

"She was with Lancelot _before_ she married Arthur?" I question, trying my best to not look too bewildered.

"Yes, but also no. They were undeniably attracted to one another, and they admitted a mutual attraction for one another, but Guinevere also had feelings for Arthur, and Lancelot refused to stand in the way of the prince's chances." Gaius said, sparking another wave of confusion in me. _This didn't add up at all! If Lancelot was so loyal to Arthur that he gave up the woman he loved, then why now was he choosing to betray him? When he was married to Gwen, when he was King, when the risks were greater?_

"Why hasn't that stopped him now?" I asked. _Maybe Gaius could make some sense of this nonsense!_

"You know as well as I Paige... there is no real marriage between Arthur and Gwen. There never has been. Guinevere accepts that, but the girl wants some romance in her life. You cannot ask her to stand aside, all alone, and watch as her husband has an affair with another man," _Why didn't I think of that? Especially after the speech I gave Merlin the other day! Damn my idiocy and absent-mindedness... must get that from Arthur. _

"Still, couldn't he have found another way out of the situation?" I asked. _I mean if I, a 13 year old girl, could think of another solution to the problem, then surely Lancelot, a fully grown man, could think of an even better one?_

"Paige he is having an affair with the Kings wife, who could he have confiding in?"

"You? He surely would have known that Guinevere would have come to you if she suspected she was pregnant, and would have known that Arthur told you about the prophecy," _Everyone confides in Gaius... it's a wonder he can keep so many secrets in! _

"Ah yes, but he also knows I hold a certain degree of trust with Arthur, he is not the sort of man to ask me to break that," _Arthur does have an undeniably large trust in Gaius, after all he served his father and Arthur has known him since he was a young child._

"But..." I objected, desperate to find fault in what Lancelot had done. _After all, he had risked Gwen's life! At least when Merlin planned the same thing he had a way to ensure Gwen's safety. _

"Paige, Lancelot did what he thought was best, he did it to protect the woman he loves from the threat of execution, to protect his king from such a public humiliation, to protect the kingdom he serves, and to protect his honour. Yes he may have made the wrong decision, but his heart was in the right place." _Damn, he had me there. He was right of course; Lancelot had only done what he thought best... I couldn't judge him for that, even if it had been the wrong thing for him to do_.

"Is Gwen going to be ok?" I asked. _I really hoped that she would be. I couldn't stand the idea of her dying for such a terribly unjust reason. Well, I couldn't stand the idea of her dying at all, but for such a reason would be even worse._

"She will recover physically in a week or so, and Arthur will be none the wiser, but as for her emotional wounds..." _Gaius trailed off and gave no answer as to when Gwen would recover emotionally. But I knew that they would never heal. This would stay with Gwen forever._

"You don't think Arthur should be told of this, do you?" I asked, reading between the lines of what Gaius had just said.

"No," he said simply, shaking his head.

"But surely he must question why an anguished Guinevere is in your chambers, bleeding and in agony," _I know Arthur can be a bit of a Prat at times, but he's not blind and he most certainly isn't stupid!_

"He thinks that Guinevere is having a particularly bad 'time of the month'," Gaius said as if that would explain everything. _Surly Arthur must have noticed that Gwen so suddenly had to be taken to Gaius's chamber s for her 'time of the month' pains?_

"Does he really believe that?" I questioned, an eyebrow raised.

"He is suspicious, I give you that, but Guinevere usually does have bad pains during her 'time of the month', and he has absolute trust in me," _Damn that trust! There was no way I could betray Gaius in such a way!_

"So I really shouldn't tell Arthur," I asked dismally.

"No dear, you really shouldn't. I know you think you're betraying the trust he has in you, but some secrets need to be kept. That is why we call them secrets," _I suppose he's right... after all, what's a secret if everyone knows? I decided that I was going to keep what I know to myself. For one, as much as I hate lying to Arthur there is no real reason for him to know, after all the situation isn't really out of hand. For another, I know Arthur relies heavily on Gaius, and to destroy Arthur's trust in him would cost him dearly._

--

I bumped into Merlin as I headed to my days training with Arthur, and apologised to him for accusing him of spiking Gwen's drink the night before.

"I'm sorry I accused you of spiking Gwen's drink Merlin... I know now that it wasn't you," I said, ducking my head in shame. _I was ashamed! Ashamed of accusing a man I trust so much of such terrible things. _

"That's ok Paige, I understand, you were just looking out for your father... I mean Arthur; you were looking out for Arthur," Merlin corrected himself as quickly as possible, but I saw no reason for it. _After all, Arthur __**is**__ my father! _

"No, you were right the first time Merlin... I was looking out for my father," I said, acknowledging aloud that I think of Arthur as my father for the first time. Merlin beamed at me.

"Arthur will be so pleased to hear you call him that,"

"I don't think I'm ready to say it to his face, even if I am ready to think of him in that way," I admitted._ I had only just gotten my head round him being my father, I was so not ready to tell him that I thought of him in that way!_

"I won't tell him, I promise," Merlin assured me. "Now tell me, how do you know that it wasn't me that spiked Gwen's drink,"

"It was Lancelot..." I said, before giving him a full account of what had happened that morning. _You think I'm going to write that all out for a second time! Dear Diary, you already know what happened! I don't need to repeat it! _

"Wow... I know Lancelot and Gwen used to have something between them, so I'm not surprised that he is the one with whom Guinevere is having her affair with, especially as he knows only too well the extent of my relationship with Arthur, but I am shocked to learn that he betrayed Gwen in such a way. He's always been pretty devoted to her. It's very out of character for Lancelot," I left Merlin to muse on the situation at hand, as I was running late for training. _Arthur hates it when I'm late!_

--

"You're late," Arthur said, sounding rather irritated as I jogged into the training arena.

"Sorry, I went to see if Guinevere was ok," I lied. Luckily Arthur believed me.

"Don't let it happen again," he said sternly. I nodded and promised him I'd try and be early from now on.

Things just went downhill from there. He showed me again how to put my Armour on, and I got all his questions right. He seemed quite pleased with me and told me he was proud of me. That's when the wave of guilt hit. As much as I knew that I could not tell Arthur what I knew, I hated not being able to tell him. He had absolute trust in me, and I knew that if he found out about my lies, that trust would be gone, he would no longer be so proud of me, and I would lose a father all over again!

"Pay attention Paige! If you zone out like that in battle you'll lose your head in a matter of seconds!" Arthur yelled as he told me for the third time to block my head with my shield.

"Sorry!" I said, bringing my shield up a second too late for Arthurs attack. _He was moving his blunt sword at a slow speed, but it still caught me. It didn't leave a mark, but it hurt!_ "Ow!" I said, more as a natural reaction than because I was injured.

"Ow? Paige if you'd paid attention in the first place, then I wouldn't have hit you!" Arthur shouted, making me feel so belittled and distressed. _If Arthur found out about my disloyalty, he would treat me far worse than this, and this was pretty bad!_ "Paige! Pay attention!" Arthur screamed, his anger reaching boiling point.

"Sorry, I just have other things on my mind..." I admitted, regretting my words at once. _What if Arthur demanded to know what those other things were? _Arthur groaned in anger, threw his sword to the ground.

"So why are we bothering?" he asked. "Why am I wasting my time? If you don't want my bloody help with your training then why didn't you just say so?" _What had gotten into him? Of course I wanted his help, he knew that!_

"Arthur..." I said, pleading with him. He however, wouldn't let me get another word out.

"No! Just go to your chambers Paige," he cried, pointing in the direction of the castle.

"But..." I whispered, desperate to assure Arthur that I wanted his help.

"That's an order." Arthur raged. I didn't move. "Now get the hell out of my sight! Go! Now!" he screamed as he pushed me towards the castle. I stumbled slightly, fell to the floor, but Arthur didn't even acknowledge me. He simply went round the arena gathering up all his weapons. I got to my feet and rushed to my chambers straight away, tears pouring from my eyes the whole way...

Paige....


	19. Day 17 Most cruel toward himself

_**Sorry there was no update yesterday, and that this one is only half a day. Have just come on and it's really made me feel terrible. I haven't stopped feeling sick/weak/in pain! ARGH someone knock me out for the next few days and make everything better... *sobs***_

--

Dear Diary

It's only mid-afternoon and already today has been a disaster. I am meant to be attending a feast in my honour tonight, but I really am not up to going.

Arthur woke me up first thing this morning – it was still dark! Why, _why_ wake me up when it's still dark! What's the point? Darkness is for sleeping, daylight is for waking!

"Paige, time to get up," He said as he walked through my door. I groaned and pulled the covers over my head, ignoring him. _I was in no mood to talk to him! Not only was it way too early for me to be conscious, but I was still very annoyed at him. Last night was almost unforgivable. My real father had never laid a hand on me, never. _

"Can't you knock," I groaned as I disappeared under the silk sheets. Arthur sighed and dragged the covers off me.

"I did knock," he insisted as he chucked my covers to the floor. "You were asleep, you obviously didn't hear me," I groaned and shuddered in the sudden cold. _What the hell was he waking me up for at such an hour? _"Now come on, _up_! Out of bed!" he continued, poking me in the shoulder.

"And why are you waking me at such an ungodly hour?" I asked, finally sitting up to pull on a warm robe.

"King Olaf will be here soon, and the others not long after, we have to greet them before the feast," he said. _What feast?_ "And when I say _we_, I mean you and I, this is your feast after all," _What feast! What the hell was he on about? And what did he mean by my feast... I didn't plan a feast! I wouldn't know how!_

"And what feast would this be?" I ask as I sat at my mirror and started brushing my – now strawberry blond – hair. Arthur came over to me before he spoke, lifted a strand of my ever-lightening hair from my shoulder. He smiled as it glittered gold in the candlelight, just like his did. I ignored him and continued to brush it. _Why wasn't he apologising for his behaviour at training? He was so rude, and he pushed me! Didn't he understand that I was mad and upset with him! _

"I've already told you this, it's a feast in honour of your introduction into the court," he said with a roll of his eyes, letting go of my hair so that he could sit on the edge of my bed. _When exactly had he told me about this? I think it's the sort of thing that I would have remembered._

"You didn't tell me," I said with a scowl. Arthur sighed.

"Well I've told you _now_," he said, as if that made up for it. _Arse_!

"Why do I need to be 'introduced' to the court anyway, what's the point?" I asked. _It just seems like an excuse for Arthur and his knights to have a good time to me._

"Because until the official ceremony, you are only a guest in my castle, only after the ceremony will you be considered my ward. Only then can I name you my heir." _Couldn't we just do that in private? I mean what's the point of all these other kings coming to the ceremony? _

"Why do all these other Kings have to attend?" I asked with a sigh.

"Because they know you will be named as my heir, they need to be introduced to the future queen,"

"Right," I said expressionlessly. "Can you go now so I can dressed?" _I just wanted him out of my room so that I could rant and rave, curse his name. I don't think he'd appreciate me doing that with him in the room._

"Of course," he said, seemingly oblivious to my annoyance with him. "Now there's a nice blue dress in your wardrobe, I think you should wear that. It will bring out the blue in your eyes," I frowned but didn't say anything. _Right now I wasn't best pleased that I looked like Arthur, I didn't want to look like such a callous brute! _"Your appearance is changing quite quickly," he continued. "You're looking more like me every day," _He sounded like he was pleased. I certainly wasn't._

"Ok," I said. "Can you leave now?" _And finally he catches on._

"What the hell is up with you recently," Arthur cried, standing up and folding his arms.

"You should know," I said, trying very hard to keep my voice calm and collected... _the rage I felt however, came through. _

"No Paige, tell me, what the hell have I done to make you act like such a child," _Was he stupid or something? Did he really not know he had done to make me so pissed off with him? _

"You had a go at me, for no reason! And then you pushed me to the ground after ordering me to my chambers! You treated me like a child when I am a young woman of 13!" I cried, shuddering at the memory. Arthur ignored my reaction and raised an eyebrow.

"You were being an immature little brat," he said, as if this were a valid reason for his appalling behaviour. _Personally I don't think it was. I was not being immature! If anyone was being immature, it was Arthur. He is a grown man; he should be able to control his temper._

"No you were pissed off at me from the start!" I said truthfully. _And he was! He'd snapped at me straight away._

"You weren't taking your training seriously," _Just because I wasn't giving him 100% of my attention doesn't mean I don't take my training seriously. Can't I have my own personal problems? I can't just switch those off with a click of my fingers._

"I was! You just jumped at me every time I made a mistake," I raged. I took a deep breath to calm myself a little. _Maybe if I admitted to doing wrong, then perhaps he would to_. "Yeah I was a little late, and yes, I may have paid less attention then I should have, but you had no reason to treat me in such a way,"

"You're my daughter and I'll treat you as I like," Arthur said as if I was an object that he owned and could do with as he wished. _It was like a slap in the face. For a start, I'd still not fully accepted that he was my father – at least not to his face. And second, even if I had, it didn't mean that I was his. _

"I am not your property _Arthur_! You do not own me! No one does," I said vigorously. "I am not a possession, I am a person,"

"No, but while you are under my care, you will act and do as I say," _He still sounded like he saw me as a possession and not a person!_

"And why should I?" I demanded. _What exactly could he do to me if I didn't?_

"Because if you don't your punishment will be dire, now get dressed, get ready and get down to the banquet hall before I have to discipline you!" I rolled my eyes, sure that he was just bluffing. _After all, what was he going to do, put me in the stocks?_

"I don't care, I'm not going," I said firmly. _I had made my decision. I wasn't going, and I was going back to bed as soon as Arthur left as well!_

"I'm your father and I'm telling you, you are going!" Arthur roared. "If you do not go I will have your thrown in the cells, and you won't see the light of day for at least a week!"_As much as I was willing to face such a punishment, I was not willing to argue with Arthur a second longer. I just wanted him out of my room so I could let out all the torment that I was holding in._

"Fine, I'll go! But know this, I don't have a father!" I screamed. I expected anger from Arthur, annoyance even. But he just laughed and said –

"Well I don't have a daughter!" _Well at least we agree on something._

"Fine," I said as Arthur stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him in frustration.

I sobbed when Arthur left, curled up in a ball on my bed and just sobbed. I just couldn't take it. _Why was Arthur being so mean to me? What had I done? I just wanted him to care about me and love me, but Arthur doesn't seem to want that! He just wants... well I don' know! But it certainly isn't me!_

I noticed something as I dressed and washed my sore eyes – my eyes were grey again, not in the slightest bit blue. And my hair was back to its original colour. It was very strange, but I guessed it had a lot to do with my argument with Arthur. After all the changes in my appearance were down to magic's...

--

I stood next to Arthur with a forced smile on my face as King Olaf, his wife, daughter and an gathering of his men hurried up the steps towards us.

"Arthur! I haven't seen you in years... good god man, you have barely aged at all!" Olaf said as he embraced Arthur like a brother. Arthur laughed and returned the hold, patted the older man's back.

"I'm afraid I can't say the same for you!" he joked. "But you are looking good for your old age," Both men laughed once again, before turning their attention to me. "May I introduce my ward, Paige," Arthur said, holding out a hand to me all the while giving me a very significant look. _He wanted me to behave myself and play the doting, loving ward. I sighed and smiled, allowed him to slip an arm round my shoulder. But it was not for his benefit – no, it was for my own. I don't want anyone going away with a false and negative opinion of me._

"It's a pleasure to meet you Olaf," I said with a curtsy. Olaf smiled at me, a horrible leering smile that send chills down my spine, and looked me up and down.

"And you my dear," he said before turning his attention back to Arthur. "Not a patch on my Jennifer is she?" he laughed, gesturing towards his daughter a slim girl with wide hips, big breasts and stunning blue eyes that completely contrasted with her beautiful red locks. She batted her eyelashes at Arthur, waved and giggled. Then shot me a foul look._ I blushed and ducked my head at once, feeling disgusted with myself. I was ugly, nothing in comparison to this beauty. Why did Olaf have to point that out?_

"Give her time, she's only 13," Arthur said with a grin as he ruffled my hair. I glared at him. _He had basically agreed with Olaf and said that I was ugly! How could he? I wanted to slap him and walk off, but I was very aware of the fact that everyone was looking at me and so didn't move a muscle._

"You better hope so after, else you won't have a chance in hell of marrying her off," _What! Marry me off? Was he serious? Was Arthur going to force me to marry someone? Who? And when? Oh god was that the real reason for this feast? I waited until Olaf and his entourage were inside before I said anything to Arthur._

"So that is the purpose of this feast, to marry me off to some prince I do not know?" I asked through gritted teeth as I glared at Arthur. He simply raised an eyebrow.

"No Paige, that is not the reason at all. Olaf is marring off his daughter, and expects me to do the same. I just go along with it to avoid an argument," Arthur said. _Yes that's his excuse! Arthur is not the sort of man to lie like that to avoid an argument. And why would Olaf argue about such a thing! It's not like he has a son that he wants Arthur to marry me off to!_

"Good! I promise you that if you did try and marry me off, you wouldn't be able to get me down the aisle! I'd much rather die than marry some stranger you'd forced me to spend the rest of my life with," I promised. _Ok, while I wouldn't go as far as killing myself, I'd make damn sure that I disappeared and never returned._

"I would never do that to you! " Arthur insisted. _Sure, just like you'd never hurt me!_

"Sure," I said, folding my arms.

"You sound like you don't believe me," Arthur said sadly. _I was surprised that he wasn't angry, but then we were in such a public place... he wouldn't want to risk his image now would he?_

"I don't," I admitted.

"Believe what you will Paige," Arthur said. "But I promised I would be honest with you, and I am holding to that promise." I didn't answer; I simply turned my back on his and waited for the next King to arrive.

"What did you do to your hair?" Arthur asked after a minute or two of silence. He walked over to me and grasped a strand in his fingers, looked disappointed to see that it was no longer blond.

"I didn't do anything, it simply changed," I said honestly. Arthur frowned and allowed my hair to slip from his fingers. "It probably has something to do with Merlin's spell,"

"Yes..." said Arthur sadly. "I suppose it does,"

--

Not long after King Olaf arrived, King Johnson arrived with his son and a handful of his Knights. He and Arthur greeted each other in very much the same fashion as he and Olaf had greeted, and then again, they turned their attention to me.

"Bit young for my boy really, but then again, when has that stopped anyone before?" Johnson laughed as he gave me the same leering grin as Olaf did. I shuddered and gave Arthur a glare, which he ignored. _It was because I was right; he was going to marry me off!_

"It certainly didn't stop you marring your wife... how old were you when you married her? 27? 28?" Arthur questioned.

"28 yes, and she was 17," Johnson confirmed with a nod. "Now what say you boy? She up to your standards?" he asked his son, gesturing towards me. The boy simply shrugged his shoulders and sauntered into the castle, causing Johnson and Arthur to laugh. "Give him time!" Johnson laughed, to which Arthur agreed. _I wanted to cry I really did. I was being paraded around like a whore! And for what? So Arthur could marry me off to some Kings son so that he could improve relations with that mans kingdom?_

I didn't wait for any more Kings to arrive; I simply stormed off to my chambers the second that Johnson was out of sight. I didn't bother with confronting Arthur either – it was obvious now that he wanted to marry me off. If I argued, he would only continue to deny things.

Arthur, for some reason, didn't bother to follow me. However he did send a message up with one of his guards that I _will_ be attending the feast, and he _will_ be coming to get me. I'm not looking forward to it at all, and have contemplated running away – but Arthur has stationed a guard outside both my window and my door.

Paige...

--

_**Not up to my usual standard I know, but please comment anyways because it is leading to something **__**very**____**important**__**!**_


	20. Night 17 Something blue but plenty red

Dear Diary

I am so worried about Arthur! All that horrible stuff I said about him earlier, I didn't realise that something was wrong with him; I just thought he hated me!

He came and got me for the feast... or whatever it was and was just so rude and nasty to me. Not in an obvious way, but he said things that really got under my skin!

"Can't you at least try and make it go blond again; you look so much nicer when it's blond," he said after he made yet another comment about my hair changing colour. Did he not understand that I had no control over what had happened to it?

"Yes I will try and change it back," I insisted with a roll of my eyes. _Really couldn't be bothered to argue to be honest. Partly because it never got me anywhere, and partly because I had this feeling that Arthur would just snap at me once again!_

"Good. It's very important to look good Paige, especially _today_." He said, with emphasis on the word today. N_ot exactly quelling the feeling I had that this was all some ploy to marry me off. _"And you look good when you look like me," he added with a smile, puffing out his chest as he did so. _Pompous arrogant Prat! Was he saying that I only looked good when I looked like him? Argh, I'd rather be ugly that look like him right now!_

"Yes God forbid that I might actually look like a nice person," I said bitterly. Arthur grimaced at me, but held his tongue. We were at the entrance to the banquet hall and he didn't want to risk such terrible public behaviour. _ Although I could tell from the expression on his face that had it been any other place, any other time, I would have been in a world of trouble. I just hoped he would forget all about it in the coming hours. It was likely; there was a lot of wine and mead on offer. _

"Can you at least promise me you will behave yourself during this ceremony?" he hissed as we walked past the guards and round the back of the room to where the ceremony would take place. _I kept my head down because everyone was looking. It wasn't that I didn't like them looking, I could deal with that. It was the way some of them looked at me. The visiting Kings leered at me, at least the ones with sons did. They nudged their boys and pointed at me, whispered things to them. The whole thing just sent chills down my spine. It was like I was on parade at a market, a prime piece of meat up for grabs to the highest bidder. _

"I will if you will," I said. Arthur didn't reply to that.

--

The ceremony that Arthur had so insisted that I behave during was rather dull, and seemed completely pointless! All Arthur and I did was sign a few things and then I knelt down in front of him and he said a few things, like he was knighting me, and I had to kiss his ring and swear allegiance to my new guardian. I would detail it, but really I wasn't paying attention. I was too aware of the eyes I felt on the back off my head.

Arthur of course, acted all dead pleased and happy, like he gave a damn about me. _I think he acted that way because now that I am legally considered his ward, he can legally marry me off to some prince whenever he sees fit! _However despite the fact that he cares _so_ much, he walked off as soon as the ceremony was over and started talking to King Johnson.

"Arthur!" I cried out after him, annoyed that he had just abandoned me when it was meant to be _my_ feast. _His words, not mine! So why wasn't he keeping too them? _He ignored me; in fact he turned his back on me and started laughing at something King Johnson said. _Arse_. I balled up my fists and walked off, determined not to have an angry outburst in front of so many important people. I just sort of sauntered round the room for ages, avoiding talking to everyone unless I knew them. _(And that was only Gwen, she was putting on a brave face but I could see the pain of her loss in her eyes, and the physically pain she was still in hidden in her expression.)_ After about an hour of doing nothing other than watch Arthur talk (and talk) to King Johnson, I decided to slip out and head back to my chambers. I didn't get very far.

"Paige is it?" came a voice from behind me not but a minute after I started drifting towards the entrance. I jumped at the sound, not expecting anyone to talk to me, and spun round to see King Johnson's son leaning against the wall. He gave me a wink as I turned to face him, grinned and stood up properly.

"Um... yeah," I said, an eyebrow raised in suspicion. _What the hell did he want with me? He didn't seem interested in me earlier, why now did he want to talk?_

"It's William," he said with a bow and a cocky grin that said _'but you knew that already'. _"Prince of Greenwood, and Heir to the throne," He held out his hand, obviously wanting mine, but I kept both my hands firmly at my side. _Part of me just wanted to see how long he would keep his hand there, but mainly, it's because I didn't want him to take my hand. He'd most likely kiss it! Argh!_

"Right," I said, not really knowing what to say. "Did you want something?" _He looked rather startled at my response, even offended. _

"You rather rude aren't you?" he said, dropping his hand and his pleasant facade at once. I beamed at him and nodded like it was something I was proud of. "That is no way for a _Lady_ to act," he said, emphasis on the word Lady. _Who exactly did he think I was? I was no Lady! I was just Paige, a villager who had been thrown into life at Camelot through no fault of her own. _

"Well I am no Lady, so I don't think that really matters much," I said, folding my arms in defiance. William snorted at me, shook his head in disapproval. _What an arrogant wanker! Who the hell did he think he was, looking at me like that? _

"It does matter very much so my dear, after all you'll have to be a Lady by the time of the wedding," _Wedding? WEDDING? What was he talking about? Was Arthur really marring me off? And to this pompous wanker? I really don't think so somehow._

"And what wedding will this be?" I asked, suddenly very interested in what he had to say.

"Has your guardian not told you? Ours of course," William rolled his eyes again_. His tone made it obvious he thought of me as thick. _

"Our wedding?" I questioned. "And when exactly is this going to happen? I'm not exactly falling over my own feet in my attempts to wed you." William laughed at me, shook his head yet again. _The more time that passed, the more that I wanted to just hit him. I had to ball my hands into tight fists just to stop myself rushing at him._

"Not until you are 16 of course, and then our Kingdoms will be united and we shall be a stronger power. Our union my dear, is for the good of our people, it has nothing to do with love. "

"Arthur would never marry me off, let alone to someone like you!"

"I'm afraid that he has my dear. You see, we _men_ know what we have to do to secure our futures, you _women_ just have to go along with things," _Argh! If it wasn't for the fact that so many people were around I would have punched him! But I knew Arthur would come down hard on me if I did so._

"I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth!" I raged before storming off in Arthur's direction. He was still talking to King Johnson, and now I knew why. H_e was busy marrying me off to some complete stranger! And for what? His future and the future of King Johnson and his son! _

"Arthur!" I cried angrily as I stormed towards him. He looked up and shot me a warning look. But I ignored it. _Why would I do as he said when I just found out that he's planning to marry me off to some prince?_ "It better not be true!" I raged, drawing level with him. Everyone around him had fallen silent, and even King Johnson had stopped talking to stare. Arthur on the other hand looked a little scared, despite the cool and calm expression on his face.

"What better not be true sweetheart?" he asked in a gentle voice. _Sweetheart? He knows not to call me that! He knows that's what Leon called me. What my __**father**__ called me!_

"Don't you dare call me that Arthur Pendragon!" I bellowed, ignoring the gentle widening of Arthur's eyes that clearly told me to shut the hell up. There was a collective gasp from all those watching as Arthur placed a hand on my shoulder and leaned in to talk to me so that only I could hear.

"Paige, whatever you have to say to me can be said in private," he hissed angrily. I pushed him away, not forcibly, but he wasn't expecting it so he stumbled. There was another collective gasp as Arthur regained his balance. "What has gotten into you young lady?" he demanded. I opened my mouth to tell him exactly what had gotten into me, when someone grabbed me from behind, slipping a hand over my mouth to stop me from talking.

"Sorry Arthur, my fault, I let her have some mead," Merlin said sheepishly as he dragged me away.

"Don't let it happen again Merlin," Arthur said sternly. _He looked like he didn't believe Merlin but I knew he had to avoid a prolonged scene in front of his guests._ I fought against Merlin, tried to bite him, but he just used his bloody magic to calm me down. _I would have gotten angry if it weren't for the fact that I was incapable of that emotion! _

"Merlin, what was that for?" I asked the second he let me go. _While I didn't sound angry, just curious; I knew that I should be angry. Damn magic! _Merlin put a finger to his lips.

"Not here," he said, nodding in the direction of his chambers.

"Fine," I said, following him without another word.

--

"Paige, don't let Arthur get to you," Merlin muttered as he opened his chamber door. "He's not himself," I rolled my eyes and stepped into the chaos that was Merlin's chambers.

"He was being an arse! Not only has he been getting angry at me for no reason, he's arranged to have me married to that William..." _His spell had worn off now that we were away from Arthur, and I could feel my rage returning._

"Arthur has been enchanted, the anger is a side effect. How I realised he wasn't himself. I mean no matter what I do, he never gets _that_ angry at me" Merlin said the second the door was closed. _Enchanted? By who, and why? What would be the point?_ "Its King Johnson," Merlin continued, answering my unsaid questions. "He's dying and he wants to secure his son's future, so he's enchanted Arthur with a spell that will make him agree to anything he says... and that means marrying you off to his son,"

"What benefit does that have for him?" I asked. _I could see no reason that would justify Johnson wanting me to marry his son._

"It's quite complicated, but basically, King Johnson is very old. He doesn't have too many years left in him, and he is desperate to secure his sons future. He thinks that joining his Kingdom with Arthurs will give William all the power and security he will need," Merlin said. _Wow I bet King Johnson thought that was a flawless plan. Well he didn't bet on the fact that Arthur was still a young man, and that he had named me as his heir! Or at least, he will do... at some point..._

"How will that give him power and security exactly? Arthur is still young, and even if he died in the next few years, wouldn't it be me that ruled?" I said, trying not to sound too pleased with myself for finding flaws in King Johnsons plans.

"Well not exactly no... you see if you marry William you will no longer be respected as a leader or as queen, you will just be expected to birth and raise heirs," _He was kidding right? Birth and raise heirs? Well why can't I do both? Why can't I have children and rule as queen? Surely having children will not affect my abilities' as a leader!_

"That's pathetic! Why should marriage change who I am?" I retorted rather loudly. _Why was almost everyone so insistent that women were lesser beings than men?_

"I know, I know! It's stupid and idiotic, but your opinions and views will not matter," Merlin agreed, raising his hands in defence. I gave myself a few seconds to calm down. _Merlin's views on women show that he believes them to be equal to men. At least that's what he says. Who knows what he might be thinking? Still, best to give him the benefit of the doubt!_

"Well it doesn't matter does it, I mean if Johnson doesn't have long to live then once he dies the enchantment will be broken and Arthur will come to his sense's," I said happily after a few seconds of silence. _Why hadn't Merlin seen this? If Johnson died, the spell would die with him! Arthur would never marry me off if he had his own free will._ But Merlin was shaking his head at me, a forlorn look on his face.

"If only it were that easy," he muttered. _Great, now what?_

"Huh?" I asked, looking and sounding totally bewildered.

"There is another enchantment on Arthur... this one will kill Arthur when Johnson dies," Merlin sighed as he ran his hands though his hair. My jaw dropped and I just stared at Merlin, unable to say anything. _I decided right then and there that I never wanted to get mixed up in magic's... it was all so complicated and downright evil. But then again, maybe that's life..._

"I... I... is that even possible?" I gasped after a considerable silence. Merlin gave me a weak, cheerless smile.

"Afraid so." He whispered his voice wobbling. I really looked at him then, looked into his eyes. He looked terrified._ He looked like he wanted to storm into the banquet hall and kill Johnson without a second thought._

"So Arthur will die with Johnson, and William and I will be left to rule" Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Well, William will be left to rule," I said as I rolled my eyes and huffed. _Argh how could such an arrogant, selfish pompous arse have such power over me?_

"Yes," Merlin said, a slight twinkle in his eyes._ He found my annoyance amusing I swear!_ _Before I could have a go at him for it, something came to mind. The prophecy! The prophecy said that I will rule once Arthur dies, so how can Johnsons plan work?_

"But what about the prophecy... it says that Arthur will name me as his heir and I will bring down the man that kills him... and that I'll be a skilled swordswoman," I cried, elated, a smile on my lips. A smile that soon fell the second I saw Merlin's reaction. He was frowning, shaking his hand at me. _Not good!_

"That is just one possible outcome I'm afraid. It was written about as it was the most likely, most prophesised outcome there was. The seer who wrote the prophecy noted there were many possible outcomes regarding your future," Merlin sighed.

"Why did no one tell me this before?" I cried, suddenly angry at Merlin. _Maybe if he'd mentioned this before, then we could have prevented this, we could have been warned of Johnson's plans! _

"I only just finished translating that bit... I mean I know not all prophecies are certain but I didn't ever think that yours could change," Merlin said guiltily, ducking his head in shame._ I wanted to stay mad at him, I really did, but I just couldn't. It wasn't his fault if he hadn't finished translating the prophecy, after all the last few days hadn't exactly been full of free time. _

"So what do we have to do the break the enchantment?" I asked. _I needed to break the spell, I couldn't let any of Johnson's plans go ahead. For a start there was no way I was going to marry his vulgar son, and there was no way I was going to let them kill Arthur! _

"I have no idea! I need your help to look through all these books... look for anything about controlling someone else or about death," Merlin said, handing me a huge pile of dusty looking books. _Oh joy..._

"How long do we have?" I asked, grabbing the first one with a sigh.

"Arthur and Johnson are due to sign paperwork finalising the marriage tomorrow at noon," Outside the sun was already setting, and with the amount of books before us, we didn't really have long.

--

It was way past midnight when Merlin made me go to bed, but the banquet was still going strong. I could hear laughter and chatter all the way down the corridor.

"I don't want to go to bed," I mumbled into Merlin's shoulder, which I was leaning against. _I was having a little trouble keeping my head up! But I'm sure that would pass... there was no need for me to stop helping Merlin._

"You fell asleep on a book," Merlin laughed supporting me as I stumbled sleepily. "Now come on, rest" I will get Galahad to help me, I promise... he has noticed that Arthur is not himself, he can be trusted..."

"But.... but what if... what if you don't find... cure...?" I mumbled. _I couldn't go to bed! I needed to help Merlin and discover how to lift the enchantment on Arthur!_

"I promise you, I will not rest until I have found out how to lift the enchantments... if I need you, I will come and get you, I promise," Merlin assured me. I nodded sleepily. _Maybe I could rest for just a little while... _

"But Arthur... what... will he be ok?" I asked. _I was terrified that maybe he might realised he'd been enchanted or maybe he might do something wrong that would result in Johnson hurting him! _

"Yes, he is doing as Johnson asks so no harm will come to him," Merlin said as he opened my door.

"Good," I mumbled, crawling between my sheets without another word. Merlin tucked the covers around me and took off my shoes. He went to leave, but then he spotted something.

"Hey... your hair..." he said, taking a strand of it between his fingers. _What about my hair? Why has everyone been questioning my hair today? I have done nothing to it I swear!_

"What about it?" I mumbled into my pillow.

"It's blond again... this afternoon you looked like Leon, now you look like Arthur," Merlin said, brushing my hair out of my face so that he could get a good look at me.

"Do I?" I asked.

"Yes. Hmmm that's interesting. The spell must be affected by what mood you are in with Arthur." Merlin pondered. I wasn't really paying attention by this point, I was pretty much asleep.

"Huh?"

"Well before, you were mad at him, so you looked like Leon, and now you are worried about him, and you look like him," I nodded into my pillow, could feel myself sleeping into a dreamless sleep.

"Hmmm..." I said, not sure if I was agreeing with him or what.

"Goodnight Paige," Merlin said, tucking the covers around me again.

"Hmmm..." I repeated. Merlin laughed and tiptoed out of my room.

I awoke just before sunrise. I went to Merlin's chambers, and the Library, but I couldn't find Merlin. I decided waiting in my room was probably the best plan. He'd come here to find me if he needed me. But until then I just have to sit and wait and pray that Merlin has found a way to lift the enchantment on Arthur!

Paige x

--

_**I am back! Thanks for all the comments while I was away, and the concerns for my well-being. **_

_**It turns out I had some tummy bug the same day that I came on! Craziness! I was just feeling so shit, but am all better now! (Thankfully... am going out tomorrow!) And hey, I even lost 2 lbs in the process! YAY FOR HITTING MY TARGET WEIGHT ON THE WII FIT WITHOUT TRYING!**_

_**Hope you enjoyed this chapter. Have been writing it in bits for a few days so I was worried it wouldn't slow like my chapters normally do, but I think it's alright. But hey, that's up to you guys to decide, right**_?


	21. Day 18 I love my father & he loves me

_**This one is for **__Tina__**, who apparently gets up at 3.30am to read this! Now I feel bad for missing a few days... still, hope the next ones make up for it!**_

_**And for all my regular reviewers - **__Luff-Chan__, __LadyFromPoland__, __Catindahat__, __Kironomi__, __Merthurtilidie__, Lalalala __**and new reader, **__Aurel__**, who read all current chapters in one go!**_

_**You guys rock, your comments really fuel the fire that helps me write, so keep it up! **_

_**--**_

Dear Diary

Merlin came rushing into my room almost as soon as I finished writing my last entry. He looked really excited about something.

"I've found a way to cure Arthur!" he cried, rushing into my room without knocking. I slammed this book shut with a grin. _Hey my diary is private_... _especially the bits where I gush over Merlin. He does not need to see that!_

"Really, what is it?" I asked, elated. _I had wound myself into such a state worrying about Arthur, especially since I couldn't find Merlin to help him find a cure._

"Well the spell plays off Arthurs negative emotions... fear, unhappiness and mainly angry, as you've seen in the last few days. We need to make him feel as positive as possible to counteract the effects of the spell. In other words we need to make him very happy," Merlin said.

"Well that seems simple enough," I said. _And it did. Plenty of things make Arthur happy. Merlin, eating, hunting, being a bully... take your pick, they all put a smile on his face!_

"Well yes, apart from the fact that we don't know what will make him completely happy" Merlin paused and got a weird grin on his lips, then giggled just a little. "Oh and before you even suggest it, we had sex last night, it's not that" _What the hell is sex? What's he getting at? And why is it so funny?_

"What's sex?" I questioned sounding genuinely bewildered. Merlin blushed quite considerable and shook his head.

"Never mind... ok, so think, what makes Arthur happy?" he scratched his head as he spoke, got a look of sheer concentration on his face. _It was quite funny actually; his tongue was sticking out of his lips just a bit... like cats do._

"Killing things," I said after a moment. _I was too busy trying not to laugh at Merlin's 'Concentration' face that I couldn't think of anything else._ Merlin jumped at the sound of my voice, bit down on his tongue and cried out at the pain. _I couldn't stop myself laughing this time._

"Yeah, I'll give you that one!" Merlin chuckled, but then he was serious. "But what else, think Paige, what makes Arthur happy?" _So I thought, and for ages it was silent because I couldn't think of anything. I mean sure there were things that made him happy, but nothing that made him completely happy._ _There was a long silence before I spotted my sword and shield in the corner of my room (I wouldn't put them in the armoury... I wanted them with me just in case... Arthur wasn't too pleased about that, but he relented when I said it made me feel safe,) and that's when it came to me! _

"When I was training with him, and he gave me the Pendragon family shield and sword... he said he'd never been happier," I cried. _And I personally had never seen him as happy as when I asked him to put his last name next to mine._

"Yes, so you're the key... you make him happy," Merlin said merrily, yet at the same time, his face feel. _He was the love of Arthur's life and he was not the person that made Arthur happiest. It must have been so crushing for him._

"You do as well," I insisted, placing a hand on his shoulder. He widened his smile and patted my hand.

"Yes but it's a different kind of happy with you, he's always been able to have me, no question's, but you... you were taken from him and he didn't think he'd ever get you back, and then he did and well... things got, complicated," I sighed in frustration. _That made sense. Of course getting something you could always have would make you happier than something that was readily available. But things wouldn't have had to been so complicated if he'd told me the truth from the start!_

"If he hadn't of lied to me, things wouldn't have been so complicated," I insisted, although not angrily. I was just making a point. _It seemed like Arthur just didn't want to be happy!_

"I know, I know!" Merlin promised, holding his hands up. "Look we only have a few hours left. We need to think... what could you do that would make Arthur completely happy?"_ I glanced out of the window as he spoke and noticed how high in the sky the sun was getting. I had to think, and think fast. Problem is as soon as I tried to think, my mind went blank. _

"I... I don't know," I admitted sadly. _I felt really bad admitting that I couldn't think of anything. In made me feel stupid and worthless. For once Arthur needed my help and I couldn't step up and give it to him._

"Argh this is so frustrating! Why can't curing this enchantment be as easy as the other one?" Merlin yelled after a considerable silence. _His anger was different to Arthurs, where Arthur slammed his fist into things and yelled, Merlin balled up his fists and rubbed his temple with his knuckles, like he had a headache or something. _

"The death one?"I questioned. _Did he have a cure for that? If so what was it? Had he given it to Arthur? Was Arthur going to live if Johnson died?_

"Yeah." Merlin said with a beam. _I knew that meant he had found a cure, but I was still desperate for reassurance._

"Did you find a cure for that?" I asked. Merlin nodded.

"Yeah it's simple enough. A few herbs and some blessed water... but I can't make him drink it until _this_ enchantment is lifted," _I knew at once what his words meant. We had to get back to working out what would make Arthur happiest!_

"So back to thinking then..." I said with a grimace. _All this thinking was making my head hurt!_

"Yeah..." Merlin said beaming at me. _That beam reminded me of something... a conversation we'd had about Arthur a few days before..._

"You said to me... the other day, that Arthur would be so pleased if I called him father," I cried joyfully. _Arthur has said time and time again, that all he's ever wanted is his family... me. But right now I was just his ward; I wasn't his daughter because I hadn't accepted him as my father. Just as Arthur. I can't be his 'little girl' while I call him Arthur..._

"You're right, he would be very pleased... ecstatic even," Merlin said, nodding at the thought of me telling Arthur that I thought of him as my father.

"It's worth a try," I said. Merlin jumped to his feet and headed to my door at once.

"Come on we have to find him," He said, tugging on the handle.

"We have hours!" I said, confused. _A look out of the window told me it was mid-morning. Why the urgency? We had until noon!_

"But what if it doesn't work?" Merlin cried. "Come one we have to find him!" I raced after Merlin without another thought.

--

"Paige you have to go in there by yourself, this has to be a private moment between you and Arthur," Merlin said. We were stood outside the banquet hall doors, where Arthur sat alone eating breakfast and going over a piece of paper. _The treaty about my 'marriage' I'd bet. I trembled slightly at Merlin's words. I didn't want to admit it but right now, Arthur scared me. So little set him off into an uncontrollable rage. What if I didn't make him happy? What if I just set him off again?_

"What if it doesn't work?" I whispered, hiding my real fears behind a fear that both Merlin and I shared. However Merlin was a little more observant that I'd realised, and he picked up on what was really making me scared to go and face Arthur.

"It'll be ok Paige I promise... this is what he wants. You, his daughter, as that and nothing else. Nothing else would matter to him if he just had you," he assured me. "And if not, I'll come and save you, okay?" _Damn why does Merlin have a way of talking me into doing things that I don't want to do?_

"Okay," I said with a sigh and a nod. "But only because I know you'll be able to jump in if Arthur gets too mad," Merlin beamed at me and pushed me towards the door. "Hey!" I cried, but I smiled. _I couldn't ever stay too mad at Merlin. Not when he flashed me that goofy grin of his. (Something I have gotten from Arthur I'm sure!)_

"I'm going, I'm going!" I insisted, pushing the door open as I did so. Arthur looked up at once, and when he caught sight of me, he let the paper in his hand drop.

"Morning Paige," he said solemnly, not anywhere near the usual cheery way he greeted me. _To be honest that unnerved me a little. As much as I hate to admit it, I liked it when he seemed so pleased to see me, despite seeing me the night, or indeed the hour, before. _

"Good morning Arthur," I said cheerily as I sat down and grabbed an apple. _I couldn't let on that I knew about the marriage thing, it would only end up in an argument._

"You're in a good mood," he said suspiciously. _What was I not allowed to be in a good mood now?_ "I'm guessing you are no longer mad at me," I beamed at him.

"Oh no, I was never really mad. Like Merlin said, he let me have some mead," I said with a roll of my eyes_. I hated lying, especially if it dropped Merlin in hot water, but right now we had more important things to worry about! _

"Hmmmm..." Arthur said, like he still didn't believe that I'd been at the mead. And then there was silence. _I knew what I had to say to break it, but I just couldn't find the strength to say the words. While I was now seeing Arthur as more of a father figure, I wondered if I was betraying the man who raised me in doing so. But when Arthur broke the silence, I knew what I had to do. _"I have to go and prepare for some things," he said as he rose from the table and headed towards the door. I panicked and leapt to my feet, called out after him.

"Arthur wait!" I cried desperately. Arthur stopped and turned round, a scowl on his face.

"What Paige? I'm running behind as it is," he grumbled, scowl still on his lips. _I gulped back all the fear, nervous and doubts I had about saying what had to be said, and just said it._

"I just wanted you to know... that... that I... I see you as my father... and that... that I love you," I spoke so quickly, with my words stumbling over one another, that I didn't think that Arthur heard me. It didn't help that he just stood there for a few seconds, totally still, scowl still on his face. "You're my father, and I love you," I repeated, slowly and carefully, making sure that Arthur heard every word. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the anger in Arthur's eyes melted away, as did the foul expression on his face. It was replaced by the meekest of smiles.

"You really think of me like that?" he asked, looking unsure. I smiled and nodded.

"Of course father," I whispered. And that's when Arthur ran at me. He pulled me into his arms and span me round and round until I started squealing and complaining that I felt sick. I clung to him and buried my face in the crook of his neck, and we just held each other for what felt like hours. Arthur whispered to me again and again that he loved me and that I was his little girl. I wanted to say something back, but I found that yet again my throat was closed up due to the sheer intensity of emotions that I felt.

--

"So I was enchanted," Arthur said. It was a little over half an hour later, and me and Merlin had been filling him in. _(His reaction to the explanation of the changes in my hair colour was 'Good, now I can tell when you're pissed off with me, and when you love me!" My hair darkened when he said that, which only made him laugh more!)_ "It makes sense... Johnsons Kingdom is falling. They have no money, little food, his people are dying," he said deep in thought. _That explained even more so, why Johnson would try and mess with Arthur. He must be pretty desperate. _

"What are you going to do?" Merlin asked. _What was he on about? Wasn't Arthur just going to kill him? There was no way he was just going to let him walk out of here, right?_

"Well, I'm not too sure, we could let him go in peace... his Kingdom has months left, if that. Or we could go to war. He has so very little, it will be an easy victory, but I want peace, not war," Arthur insisted. _He sounded so torn. I think that if he could have it his way, he would just kill Johnson and leave it at that, but he couldn't. It would risk so much._

"Yet you are still very annoyed with him over what he intended to do to Paige," Merlin questioned. Arthur gave him a slap round the back of the head.

"Yes! Merlin you idiot he was trying to marry off Paige to his despicable son!" He cried out.

"I think you should just let him leave. After all like you said, his Kingdom will fall in a matter of months. Let him go back to his Kingdom and watch it fall from the inside out. It is more than he deserves," I said. Merlin and Arthur stared at me for a few seconds, both of them seemed to be in a state of shock._ I wanted to giggle, but this was a serious matter. This was what I would do if I was Arthur._

"See, this is why she'll be a good queen..." Arthur said after a minute, a proud smile on his face.

I'm not 100% sure what happened between Arthur and Johnson at noon, all I know is he took Merlin with him and said a lot of angry loud words, threatened things and refused flat out to sign anything. Then he gave Johnson an option, he could leave in peace (and never be welcomed back to Camelot even if he was dying of starvation,) or he could stay and risk a war that he could not afford. He left, taking William with him. I watched from my window as they rode towards the gates of Camelot without a backward glance. _Pity, I wanted to give them a cheery wave as they departed! _They did not look happy!

--

Arthur came into my room after dinner, holding a wooden box, with a smile on his face.

"I haven't looked in here in almost 10 years," he said as he paced it on my bed. I jumped up and sat next to him, suddenly eager to see what was inside. "When you were a baby, I kept little things of yours... a blanket, your first dress... things like that," he said opening the box. _He looked nervous as he opened it, almost scared. It registered with me that the last time he must have looked in the box was after I was taken from him. He must be fearful that opening the box would drag up unwanted memories. _

"Why did you keep these things?" I asked as he pulled out the tiniest little white dress. He beamed at me.

"Because I wanted to remember every moment I ever had with you," he said. "Not sure this will fit you know," he teased as he held the little dress against me. "You've gotten a lot fatter since then," _The little dress in his hands was meant for a baby, not a teenager! And I am not fat! Well, not since I started looking like Arthur... it looks more like muscle than fat..._

"Hey" I protested, playfully swinging at him. Arthur chuckled and blocked the swings with ease. _Damn him! Next time I shall hit him harder!_

"Okay okay, I take it back!" he promised. I stopped at once and looked to the box once again.

"What else have you got in there?" I asked as he sifted through many little dresses and blankets. He pulled out a little wooden horse. It was a beautiful little thing, if simple. _I knew Arthur was not craftsman... he obviously either took months making this, or had help from Merlin. Most likely, both. _

"This," he said holding it up. "I made this for you for your 1st birthday... took me months' mind you, but I did it all by myself," I laughed at this, raised an eyebrow.

"Did Merlin help?" I asked. Arthur blushed.

"Only a little..." he admitted sheepishly. I laughed again and shook my head, then turned my attention to the box once again. Arthur pulled out a little glass vial of blond hairs.

"Oh and this, this is a lock of your hair from when you were a newborn," he said proudly, holding it up to the candle light so that it glowed gold like his did. _My hair really was blond when I was born!_

"Hey, it is blond..." I said, sounding way too surprised. Arthur pretended to look offended,

"Of course it is! You didn't look like Leon until you were almost three..." he went quite then, trailed off. _That was when Uther found out about me, when they had to change my appearance to try and throw Uther off. All in vain..._

"What are these?" I said, trying to distract Arthur from his painful memories. _In the bottom of the box I had found a stack of beautifully painted pictures. Portraits of Arthur holding a baby - me. As the pictures progressed, the baby grew and grew until suddenly... suddenly they stopped and it was just blank paper. _

"Oh those... portraits," he said, taking them from me to marvel at them. He stared at them intently, a smile firmly planted on his lips.

"Don't you have to sit very still for a very long time for portraits? There are portraits of you holding me when I was a baby.... I doubt I would have been very still." I questioned. _I had personally never sat for a portrait before, but Leon had once, and he used to tell me tales of falling asleep sitting up because it took so long! There was no way a baby would be still for so long, not even in sleep..._

"The advantages of having a sorcerer for your lover and best friend," Arthur smirked. Ah, of course, Merlin.

"Merlin did these?" I asked, quite impressed. _They were so detailed and well done, so realistic... he'd done a fantastic job. It's things like this that make me wish that I was born with magic's. _

"With magic yes, he took paper and paints with him, asked me to pose with you then... his mind just did all the work, in less than a minute." Arthur said, chuckling slightly at the memory. "I was so pleased with them..."

"Wow that's insane... I never knew he could do things like that," I said. _I knew he could do impressive things... make things collapse for no reason, raise up fire, make people invisible, but this... this was on a different scale. _Arthur however, wasn't listening. He was too drawn in looking at the portraits.

"This one here... Merlin did that one right after you were born," he said holding up one of him holding a very small, very pink baby that was quite obviously screaming. Yet despite all this, Arthurs eyes glowed with love and happiness, and the grin on his face almost disappeared into his hair.

"Is that why I'm pink and screaming," I said with a grimace. _Argh I looked so horrible as a baby! _

"Yeah," Arthur said, pride oozing from him. _Why just... why! Couldn't I have been cuter than that?_

"You look happy though," I commented, referring to Arthur in the picture. Arthur nodded and slipped an arm round my shoulder.

"I was very, very happy. The moment you were born... it is and always will be, the happiest moment of my life," he said. He left not long after that, taking his treasured box with him. The only thing he left was the little wooden horse, which I proudly put on my desk next to my ink well.

Paige xxxx


	22. Day 19 Dear Paige's Diary, Love Arthur

Dear Paige's Diary

This is Arthur, writing on behalf of Paige who is ill in bed. She said I have to write down what's happening, so here goes, I hope I get it right...

I went to wake her up, as it was past noon and she still wasn't out of bed, and found her huddled under her covers, shaking and sweating.

"I don't feel well... I'm so cold..." she whispered, pulling the covers tighter around her. I frowned at her; _she looked so warm_, and placed a hand on her forehead. _She was on fire._

"Here," I said, wrapping her in another blanket I'd pulled from her cupboard. "You stay right there, I'm going to get Gaius," Despite having _two_ blankets over her, Paige was still shivering, shaking and insisting that she was cold. I freaked out then, she must be really, _really_ ill if she was feeling cold, but was hot to the touch! I raced down to Gaius's chambers as fast as my legs would take me – I was convinced Paige was dying!

"What is it Sire?" Gaius asked as I crashed through his door, gasping and unable to breathe. I had to collapse in a chair and catch my breath before I answered.

"Paige... sick... hot but... says she's... cold..." I wheezed. I expected Gaius to jump up at once, to rush to my daughter's chambers and start treating her. Instead he stayed sat in his seat, and stayed examining some book.

"Ah, she has it too does she..." he said with a chuckle. (_Chuckle? As far as I was concerned Paige could be dying, why was he chuckling?)_ "It's just the flu sire, she'll be over it in a few days... give her this and make sure she drinks plenty of water and has plenty of rest," he said, handing me a glass bottle of some strange green liquid. It looked putrid, there was _no way_ Paige was going to drink that! _(That she gets from me... I won't put anything in my mouth if I don't like the taste! I'd rather go hungry/thirsty/stay sick...)_

"You know she won't drink this Gaius," I said, pocketing it. He chuckled again and rolled his eyes.

"Yes, it's a trait she gets from her father... " he said, eyes twinkling in my direction. "However if she wants to get better any time soon, she'll drink it. Tell her it's not as foul tasting as the tonic I give her for her stomach,"

"I still don't think she'll drink it, but I'll do what I can," I promised. _Although there was no point to that promise, there was no way in hell that I was going to get Paige to drink that tonic._ "Are you sure it's just the flu, you haven't even checked on her," _How could he just say that Paige had the flu when he hadn't even looked at her! What if she had some deadly disease that was like the flu? Would she just die? Would she be in pain? Would I be able to help her or would I just have to stand aside and let her perish?_

"Sire, I have been a physician longer than you have lived. I am certain she has the flu... everyone has it at the moment, even a few of your knights'. Paige will be fine," Gaius insisted. "If I thought that there was anything seriously wrong with Paige, I would attend to her, but I know it's just the flu! Now excuse me sire, I have a birth to attend to," Gaius pushed me out of his chambers in a hurried and frustrated fashion. _Me! His King! I would have gotten annoyed at him, would have relieved him of his duties even, had it not been for the fact that he really did have a birth to attend to. (Guinevere's handmaiden was due to drop any day now... Guinevere has been very upset by it all. I guess it must still be hurting her, knowing she can't conceive a child.)_

--

As suspected, Paige wouldn't even touch the bottle of green liquid.

"I'm not drinking that!" she cried, pushing it away before hiding under her covers. "That will make me feel worse!" I laughed at that._ It probably would make her feel worse, at least at first. But in the long run it would do her good, so I persisted. _

"Come on Paige, you'll feel better if you drink it... Gaius said you'll be ill for days if you don't," I begged, pulling the covers from over her head. _I really didn't like the idea of her being ill for days... a few hours was long enough. I think I might have a heart attack if she stayed ill for days!_

"I'll just have to be ill for days then!" she said, pulling the covers back over her head. _Why does she have to get her moody stubbornness from me? Out of every trait she could have inherited from me, she had to inherit that! _

"You'll miss training," I said, hoping to tempt her into drinking the green tonic. _Paige loves training and hates to miss it! I was sure that would be enough to bring her round. After all it was what my father used to say to me when I refused Gaius's potions. And it almost always worked._

"Don't care... I'm not drinking that," she persisted. She was adamant that she was not going to drink the tonic.

"Please Paige, for me?" I begged, pulling the covers from over her head yet again. She glared at me and pulled them straight back over her head. _Now that glare, the evil stare that goes straight through you, __**that**__ she gets from her mother! _

"No!" she said simply, her voice muffled by her pillow. _I was a little insulted by that! After all, if she wouldn't drink it for me, her father, then who would she drink it for? And then it came to me, the man she had a little crush on from the day she arrived in Camelot! Merlin! (Another thing she seemed to get from me...)_

"For Merlin?" I asked. She didn't answer straight away, she paused and considered it. _For a fleeting moment, I thought she might actually drink the tonic and ease all my worries about her well being. _

"...no..." she sounded unsure, I hoped that she might change her mind, but after another few seconds silence she repeated herself in a resolved and firm tone. "No!"_ Damn! I would have to think of another way to make her drink the tonic!_

"Ok how about a deal," I suggested. She perked up when I said then, appeared from under the covers. _Ah! A breakthrough! _

"Deal?" she questioned sceptically. I nodded.

"Yes you drink this for me, and I'll do something for you," I said, holding out the little bottle of green liquid once again. Paige raised an eyebrow and studied my face for a few seconds before replying in the same sceptical tone.

"Like what?" she questioned.

"Anything you want," I promised. _And she could have anything she wanted, as long as she put me out of my misery and drank the stupid tonic! I mean come on; she's 13 years old, what's the worst thing she could have wanted? (Oh boy, I should not have asked myself that!)_

"Will you tell me what sex is?" She asked, eyes wide and innocent. I grimaced. _Sex, she was asking me about sex? How did she even know about sex? ARGH! _I blushed and quickly dismissed her queries.

"Anything apart from that,"

"No deal!" she said, rolling her eyes and pulling the covers over her head again. _Damn! Back to square one._

"Who told you about sex?" I asked _I curious to know who'd put such dirty thoughts into her innocent little mind!_

"Merlin." She said simply, not bothering to reappear from under her covers. _Merlin, that little... Argh, if it wasn't for the fact that he was so darn cute I'd have him thrown in the stocks!_

"Little bugger," I said with a laugh. "Come on, there has to be something else you want," I was getting desperate. _I wanted her to drink the damned tonic! She looked so darn pale, and she was trembling... it was horrible to see!_

"I want to talk to Leon again," she said appearing from beneath her covers after a few moments thought. I frowned at her, a little taken aback by her words. _Why did she want to see Leon? I thought she saw me as her father now? Was she having doubts about that? Or was it all a lie to break the enchantment? Or maybe was she just worried about betraying his memory? _

"You father?" I asked, totally bewildered by her request. She rolled her eyes at me.

"No, that's you. I want to talk to Leon and my mother..." She trailed off slightly, sounded upset. For a few seconds there was just silence, but I could tell she was hurting. _I didn't know what to do. Should I intervene and comfort her? Or was her grief for her parents private, something she wanted to feel alone – like when she visited their graves. No one was allowed to go with her when she went there._ "Can Merlin do that?" She asked, breaking my train of thought. I jumped at the sound of her voice, but nodded, knowing that Merlin could.

"Yes... but only once, only for a few minutes..." _After Morgause brought back my mother, I was desperate to see her again and again, but Merlin informed me that it was something that could only be done once, and would only last a few minutes. I wished that weren't true, I wanted to talk to my mother again and tell her I was sorry for not believing her words, that I was sorry for attacking my father and that I was sorry for believing she was fake, because I thought Morgause's magic to be evil, when really, it wasn't. At least that part of her magic wasn't..._

"That's what I want," Paige insisted, stirring me from my memories. _I started at her for a good long minute, not wanting to agree, but knowing I had to. I had promised after all. It wasn't that I didn't want her to see her parent's... not really. It's just... Leon was the man who raised her... I could never compare to that! What if she realised it when she spoke to him again?_

"Ok," I promised with a nod of my head. "When you're better, we shall talk to Merlin about it," _Thankfully that satisfied her, and she agreed to drink the tonic._

"Give me that tonic then," she said with a sad sigh, holding out her hand for it. I uncorked the bottle, wrinkled my nose and the disgusting smell, and handed it to her. "Does it smell?" she asked, sniffing it. _Was she mad? I was far from it and the smell of it turned my stomach! What was she sniffing it for?_

"Yes, terribly," I admitted, waving a hand in front of my nose to ward away the smell.

"I must be ill," she said, sniffing it harder. "I can't smell a thing! Ok, here goes," she continued, downing the tonic in one. She gagged almost at once, shivered quite violently and spat out her tongue. "Argh that was nasty!" she admitted, grabbing a glass of water to take away the taste of it as I laughed at her. My laughter however, was short-lived, when she paled even more so (quite a feat when she was already looking like death) and brought her hand to her mouth as her cheeks bulged.

"Paige? You okay?" I asked, concern and worry taking me over once again. She shook her head, but did not move her hand or open her mouth. "Are you going to be sick?" I asked. She nodded, and at once I started looking frantically around for a bucket or bowl... anything that she could be sick in. In the end I emptied her wash bowl out the window and took it to her. She vomited in it almost at once. Well, vomited might be the wrong word... all she brought up was liquid. Lots of it. She didn't stop until the liquid went a really weird green colour. I took the bowl from her before she had to lie back down again, paler than ever before, sweating and shaking more than seemed right. "I'm going to find Gaius!" I cried, grabbing the half-filled bowl as I rushed out the door.

"I'm fine..." Paige groaned as I dashed out the door. I ignored her and barged into Gaius's chambers. Gaius was gone, but when he returned a few minutes later, he assured me that the vomit colour was normal.

"She has brought up everything in her stomach, so this is all that's left... the natural acids that are in everyone's stomachs," he insisted, pouring the sick away without giving it a second glance. _He seemed quite annoyed with me, but I was sure he was just tired._

"So she's going to be okay?"I asked. Gaius didn't look up.

"Yes Sire, now please, let me get back to work. It seems half the castle has the flu!" he said as he ushered me out of the room again.

Paige was asleep when I got back, so I simply collapsed into the chair at her side and watched her sleep.

--

When she awoke, I asked Paige why she wanted me to write in her diary for her. Apparently she is insisting that I write in here for her because she has never once missed writing a day in here. She also said I'm not allowed to read any of what's in it... as if I would! I mean I want to; I want to know what she has written about me, but I wouldn't.... Ok, maybe just a peak...

Well that was a mistake. She's only gone and gotten Merlin to protect the book. I tried to flick back a few pages and this pain just sort of shot up my fingers. Paige found that hilarious.

"Hahaha!" she screamed, holding onto her stomach because she was laughing so hard. I rolled my eyes and shook my head at her. _It wasn't funny for me that hurt!_

"You are an evil child," I insisted. Paige only laughed harder.

"You tried to read my diary!" she said, waving a finger at me as if I'd been a naughty child. "And besides, I'm sure I get that from you!"

I didn't want to write that bit down but Paige insisted that it be written down. Then she started coughing. At first it was just a little cough, and then she had to sit up and hold her chest it was so bad. I of course, panicked and ran for Gaius, scared that she might be dying or something. Gaius wasn't best pleased with me, he promised me that she was _fine_ and that it was just the flu. Yet he wouldn't even come up to her chambers to check on her! Paige finds my concern hilarious, well, she laughs every time I run to Gaius but I think she's secretly pleased about the whole thing. At least I hope she is. She's been asleep most of the day so I haven't been able to ask her.

--

Paige decided that she wanted something to eat when she woke up again.

"I don't think that's a good idea, you couldn't even hold down water a few hours ago," I insisted. _I really wasn't in the mood to see Paige vomit yet again... and I don't think Gaius would appreciate another visit._

"But I'm hungry!" she whined. _I had to admit she had a little more colour in her cheeks, but she still looked like death. _

"But you aren't well!" I whined back in the same voice. Paige pouted and threw her pillow at me.

"Please Arthur, please!" she begged. _Arthur? Arthur.... what happened to father?_

"Oh, I'm Arthur now am I?" I teased. _I wasn't really that bothered, I knew it would take her time to fully come round to calling me father all the time. After all she'd called Leon father for 13 years. _

"Please father," she begged, fluttering her eyelashes. _Another thing she'd inherited from her mother.... err father...._

"Ok, ok... but just a bit of chicken, nothing fancy," I said._ Anything too rich would probably come straight back up again. Paige beamed at me and nodded frantically. _

"Ok," she said, seemingly pleased. I went to the kitchen and returned with a small piece of plain chicken. Paige ate it like she hadn't eaten in days, but I wouldn't let her eat any more. She protested, insisted she was still ravenous... then threw up once again. Lovely. _I didn't panic so much this time, I knew it was coming. It's not that I didn't panic... I just didn't go rushing to Gaius. I'm sure he was thankful._

--

It's very late now, and Paige is sleeping. She seems shattered, despite the fact that that she has slept most of the day. I guess that's part of the illness. I was lying with her for a while, she was cuddled up to me, but it was so hot in the room (she's got about three blankets on the bed and the fire lit! Yet still she says she's cold!) that I had to get up. Paige doesn't want me to leave so I'm stuck in her until she wakes up again. Not that I mind, it's just that it is very hot in here. I've had to open the window a little and lean out of it.

I've just realised the sort of things that I've written in here... maybe I should rip these pages out and re-write them or something. I kind of got carried away and wrote without thinking.

Okay so I tried so rip out the pages, and I tried to cross out what I'd written but the book wouldn't let me. Damn Merlin... So I'm giving up and am going to try and sleep. I am shattered! Looking after sick people is tiring... poor Gaius, how does he do it at his age?

Night night.

Love Arthur xxx

P.S. PAIGE PLEASE JUST DISREGARD THIS ENTIRE ENTRY!!!!


End file.
